My name is Billy Kaplan

 “It is alright. It never was your fault. You are going to be okay and I love you, so much. No matter what, okay?” he whispered instantly as he heard the request, and he carefully leaned close, pulled Robbie in and had him cradle against his chest, offering a shoulder to lean on, cry on if need be. The kiss made it easier to breathe, and yes, it meant the world that Robbie finally told him what was truly there all along. Now, it was his turn to do his part. 

 So, he smiled at the suggestion and nodded,d liking the small smile he saw returned on Robbie’s face. He wanted to kiss it sealed there, but for now, he just reached up to cup his cheek and stroke his thumb over the slightly unshaven cheek. “… Yeah, that sounds like a deal to me. I won’t ask much from you, but yeah, saying that I like you all muscular like this is an understatement. You look incredible, babe,” he added with a chuckle and then dared to lean in and kiss the corner of Robbie’s lips, steal the touch for that one moment before pulling back and grinning. Within a moment and a flash of blue, everything they needed appeared on the table before them - the small bag where they kept their necessities, a bag of tortilla chips with Robbie’s favorite dip, and an ashtray. “… Here. All set. No way I’m moving from this couch, to be honest…”

Robbie took two of the cigarettes out, handing one to Billy and keeping the other for himself. At least the facility didn’t test him for drugs, given his prescription and that he wasn’t there for any type of abuse. They just watched his bank account and called Billy if there were any withdrawals over fifty dollars. Snapping his fingers, Robbie lit the end of Billy’s cigarette, then his own, inhaling the smoke and trying to keep it in before coughing.

“Maybe you can help me with some stamina exercises… or stretching ones.” He gave Billy a grin, before catching his lips in a kiss. “I wouldn’t mind our sex life being resurrected.”

 He took the slim joint between his fingers, the sensation still foreign to him. He didn’t mind it, had never really smoked before Robbie, but it did relax them both and that was what his fiance needed above all. That and they always got so cuddly and loving with each other when high...   He missed that. He missed it so much that after his first inhale and a few coughs at exhale, at the first tinge of warmth inside him, he curled against Robbie and blushed like a teenager when he heard those words, his eyes shining as the smoke slowly swirled towards the ceiling. “... I wouldn’t mind that, at all,” he hummed in response and then kissed him back, chasing after the contact and letting his lips press against other’s jaw and neck, too, lingering only a moment before he leaned back and took another drag. “... Our sex life is going to be spectacular again soon enough, just you wait and see.” Just get well first. “You look so good you’ll probably need to keep me in cuffs so I don’t jump your bones every second of every day.” 

“Can you tell me it’s alright and that it’s not my fault?” There was something so comforting about being held like this. Billy was safe. Billy was home. Even when they lived across the damn country, nothing changed because Billy was always there as someone to hold him solid, like Gabe, but in a different way. He gently kissed Billy’s shoulder, resting against him.

“That sounds like a good idea. Pot, snack, nap?” he looked up at Billy and smiled. “Depending on how I feel, sex isn’t off the table. You said you liked me all muscular like this.”

 “It is alright. It never was your fault. You are going to be okay and I love you, so much. No matter what, okay?” he whispered instantly as he heard the request, and he carefully leaned close, pulled Robbie in and had him cradle against his chest, offering a shoulder to lean on, cry on if need be. The kiss made it easier to breathe, and yes, it meant the world that Robbie finally told him what was truly there all along. Now, it was his turn to do his part. 

 So, he smiled at the suggestion and nodded,d liking the small smile he saw returned on Robbie’s face. He wanted to kiss it sealed there, but for now, he just reached up to cup his cheek and stroke his thumb over the slightly unshaven cheek. “... Yeah, that sounds like a deal to me. I won’t ask much from you, but yeah, saying that I like you all muscular like this is an understatement. You look incredible, babe,” he added with a chuckle and then dared to lean in and kiss the corner of Robbie’s lips, steal the touch for that one moment before pulling back and grinning. Within a moment and a flash of blue, everything they needed appeared on the table before them - the small bag where they kept their necessities, a bag of tortilla chips with Robbie’s favorite dip, and an ashtray. “... Here. All set. No way I'm moving from this couch, to be honest...”

Robbie melted into the contact. “Just hold me.” He usually didn’t like to be held, found it claustrophobic, but now he just needed his fiance’s arms around him, comforting him, telling him it’d be okay, even though they both knew that wasn’t quite true. Strange, Billy used to be the one who needed comfort, but after the accident, it was Robbie. And he hated himself for it.

“Maybe you’d like to indulge in my anxiety meds with me?” He asked hopefully. “I’m not allowed them at the facility, even if they’re not addicting to me.”

 He didn’t need to be asked twice for that, because as soon as Robbie requested it, Billy was leaning back against the couch and pulling the other close. It was a bit awkward and a bit funny, but they managed, with Billy having Robbie’s long legs thrown over his lap and his arms wrapped around the wide back, palms flat against it and rubbing gently. They curled up together and his lips found the middle of Robbie’s forehead, and he kissed there, let himself breathe in his scent, and then nuzzled against his hair. It had grown out since the accident... 

 “... You want to do it now?” he asked, and there was a tinge of light mischief there, too. It’s been so long since they’d done that together... The thought alone made him cheer up a tad bit, even though the anger remained. “We can, if you want to. Want me to get it?” he asked then, wiggling hues of blue between his fingers because there was no way he was moving from the couch now that he had Robbie wrapped up around him. 

“I didn’t mean to tell you like this… I wanted to wait for a day I wasn’t angry anymore. Rebecca said it was best if I told you only when I didn’t blame myself anymore… when I never felt him touch me when you’re the one doing it. I know I shouldn’t have told her first, but you know how she gets when she’s in therapist mode. And it was just after I woke up and started remembering.”

He took a deep breath. “And there’s something else you should know. When we would make out and I’d say my meds suddenly ran out or my hand was hurting… some of those times it felt like it was him. And it’s not your fault, it’s really not. I just… I felt disgusting for kissing another man. Sometimes it feels wrong to me still. I’m trying to be better, though.” Robbie kissed Billy’s cheek. “I hope you understand.”

 He bit his lip harsh and then nodded when he heard the truth behind it all, understood it too. Robbie looked fractured, broken into pieces, and Billy knew how it was to feel all of that. He never wanted to show his own ugly, scarred sides to others, not even his loved ones. But here Robbie was, making the hard decision and letting him in, and god, he truly loved him. 

 “I understand. Regardless... Regardless of all, I understand and I’m happy you told me. I think telling mom was good and I think she advised you well but I am glad you told me right here and now, regardless,” he said soft, at first, barely more than a whisper. His voice grew stronger, too, as his lover moved in closer and he felt his comforting warmth, smelled that tinge of sandalwood. The last bit of truth hit him in the middle of his chest, but he endured it. “... And I understand that, too. I c-can’t say I don’t blame myself, a bit, because I should have -... But it’s okay.” His hand raised up, the healthy one, and he carefully, so slowly placed it on Robbie’s cheek to cup it after the other kissed his cheek in return, because he wanted to keep him close now. 

 “Tell me what you want me to do. I will give you anything in this world, I promise. If you need space, I will give you space. And if you need me to murder, to protect, to kiss... Whatever you need. I promise you.” His voice was strained, heavy. I don’t get to cry this time. “Please. Let me help you.”

Robbie shook his head, now sobbing uncontrollably. It was a miracle Robbie had kept himself together like he had. “They never… they never believed me, Bee… I tried-tried to sue, but I was too old. He ruined me. For a year and a half, he ruined me. And he got away with it.” He finally looked at Billy, gaze falling to his hand. “You’re hurt.”

Immediately, he wiped his eyes and took Billy’s bleeding hand. “I’m sorry.”

 Seeing Robbie sobbing like that, so open and raw, and not knowing what to do, not being allowed to... It was one of the hardest things Billy had to endure. He obeyed what Robbie had told him, not to touch him, scared he would trigger a bad response in him, but fuck, seeing his fiance sob like that...

 It had him barely holding back, vibrating with energy and tension lacing every fiber of his body. He was enraged, angry beyond belief for what was done to Robbie, and also... sad. So utterly sad that it was Robbie this had happened to, that it fucked him up so much, nearly beyond repair, and that he had suffered because of that sick bastard, for so long... 

 He didn’t even notice the blood drops dripping down his wrist slowly until the other saw it and pointed it out, but as he did, Billy blinked from the trans and looked at the other, almost broken, with pressure behind his eyelids. “:.. It’s nothing, leave it...” he whispered, just as his hand was taken in between Robbie’s, and instead he carefully reached to cover them with his good hand. He cupped the calloused knuckles and then took a slow, shaky breath, to steady himself so he could speak. “I... I can’t tell you how much I wish I could just... go back, make that never happen to you. But... But right now, all I wish is that he pays. He -... He had no right. He needs to be punished for what he did to you.” His hold on Robbie’s hands tensed before loosening again, because he had to keep himself under control, already on the verge of breaking. 

“It started small. He said he’d help me practice kissing him. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, because why would I? He was one of the few people I could trust. But he’d start asking more of me every meeting. Hugging, kissing, touching…” He swallowed down the bile that he felt rising in his throat. “What happens after touching…”

A sob tore its way from his throat. “It went on for a while before I told the couple because I realized that it felt wrong… they didn’t believe me. Said I was unstable and I was just looking for attention.”

  There was a pause that Billy wished would go on forever and yet hated it from the bottom of his heart, and then, Robbie was finally telling him all that Billy already knew. He was telling him what he had feared and, fuck, the pressure now increased and bile rose up his throat. He worked it down, swallowed, tried to hold it together.   His eyes probably showed every bit of horror and yet he remained still, staring at his knees, lifting his gaze only at the very end. Imagining what Robbie felt and coming up short because he just couldn’t understand.   He couldn’t speak, not right now. He felt like he was about to explode, so he kept his lips pressed together as he breathed and as the silence stretched out after Robbie had finished. He didn’t realize just how much he had been clenching his fists to stop himself from reaching for Robbie, not until he felt one of his nails sink deep enough to break skin on his palm.   “Did you -... Did he get punished?” he asked, finally, voice weighted with fragile self-control, a hint of blue radiating around him with sheer struggle of keeping still. 

“The couple were great. And the talks went great to start with, too. Father Daniel told me it wasn’t my fault that Gabe had his disability, that my parents didn’t leave me because they hated me, that my uncle probably did something to deserve being killed by the cops like that… I started trusting him. And then…” Robbie shifted a little further away from Billy. 

“I started telling him that I had feelings about a boy at school. Usually religious people like that would call me sinful, a monster. But he didn’t. He said it was okay. First, he said he’d…” Robbie wiped a tear from his eye, biting his lower lip. “Sorry.”

 He watched, silent. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but the dread that slowly started crawling up his back, over his shoulders and neck, it came quiet and with Robbie talking. He could heard the voice tremble and he saw how far Robbie had been sitting now, but he still didn’t understand -...

 Not until he heard that last part, not until he saw Robbie wipe his eye. The dread was now sitting heavy on his shoulders, all of a sudden, and Billy was pinned to the spot for realization to hit with every ounce of a sledgehammer.   “... R-Robbie,” he whispered, already knowing by now, but hoping, wishing he was wrong. “... It’s okay. Go on...”

Robbie jerked his knee away from Billy’s hand in an automatic response. “If I’m going to tell you this… don’t touch me for a while, okay? Not in… ways like that.” He told Rebecca about it when she’d visit him in the hospital to make sure his mind was recovering, and she’d always say to tell Billy when he was ready, but that plan was ending up telling Billy sooner than he wanted.

“When I was nine, I was in this foster home. Nice, upper-class couple, took care of Gabe like their own, even treated me with respect instead of Gabe’s accessory. They were pretty strict Catholics, and really liked that I still went to church. They also wanted me to go to a priest to talk about my ‘family issues’. You know. My parents leaving then my uncle dying within a couple months of each other.”

 His hand snapped back as soon as Robbie shifted away, and the response hurt, made him confused, with his stomach shrinking and his breath hitching. He watched how Robbie couldn’t look him in the eye, but he didn’t force him to, either. Instead, he just nodded shakily, breathed in and then slowly sat up on the couch, keeping a good distance between them for safety.   And then, Robbie started, and Billy listened.   “Okay...” he murmured, lacing his fingers together so he could have something to hold onto for whatever was to come. Child abuse? Beatings? His mind was racing. “... Were they good to you..? Did the talks help?” 

 Billy never knew he was to push Robbie into doing something he didn’t want to do, but it seemed that recently, all he did was just that. It hurt, too, seeing how against everything his fiance was lately, but god if it meant he was backing down. No way. This was something they had to get through. Together. 

 So, when he heard that he was to take Robbie to a mass. Not one to attend Christian services himself, he was surprised, but the lead psychologist assured him it was necessary. So, he was standing there in a white button-down and jeans, arms crossed, eyebrows frowned. 

 “Can you at least tell me why? It’s just a service, it lasts barely half an hour…” he said, and his voice was that soft, yet demanding tone he had heard his mother use all too much. It seemed he has been using it too much, too. 

“I don’t want to talk about it, Bee.” Robbie was sitting stubbornly on their couch, arms wrapped around himself. “You know I have this… this thing where I always forget really bad things that happened to me? Well, one of them surfaced after I woke up from the coma. That’s all you need to know.”

This was exactly why he didn’t want to do the 12-step. He knew that it was a Christian thing. With going to church part of it. But it was just a matter of course for this clinic.

“... A thing? A really bad thing?” he repeated, still standing, but with his posture falling and his eyes turning from firm into heavier, worried. Thoughs filled his head, memories of snapping and tears and yells. The one missing link to it all and Robbie had revealed it now. He watched the other for few long moments, still in what seemed to be worry, and there wasn’t much he would say, not until...   “I need to know more than that. I won’t have you just drop something like that on me and back out as you usually do. No way.” He stepped closer then, walked over to kneel before Robbie, place his left, shaky hand on his knee. “Please. I can see it there. Let me -... Let me help...”

Robbie didn’t even look at Billy. He was disgusted enough with himself without his fiance adding to it, with big, sad eyes that let him know it was all his fault. That he was the one tearing the previously happy couple apart. And he knew it was. It was all he could do to get out of bed in the morning, go to work now that he couldn’t even take care of his own brother.

He felt trapped in this brutal cycle of mundane daily tasks, barely registering anything from the outside world. Good morning kiss, have a good day kiss, welcome home kiss, good night kiss. Half the time he forgot to eat because he just didn’t feel like it, hunger be damned. He just ignored the weight loss, though Billy didn’t. 

“Billy, please…” Please what? He was going above and beyond. Anybody else would have left Robbie by now. “I want to be better, I really do. I love you both so much. I just… feel sick and useless when I don’t and I can’t live like that.”

 Seeing him like this, day after day. Just going through notions, pale and losing weight and, fuck, dead inside it seemed. Billy had watched Robbie slowly wither away, one fraction at a time, and he did try. He tried his best. Tried to get him into playing games with them, to go on road trips, maybe join workshops and classes and -... He tried. 

 Robbie kept slipping through his fingers, and now, here they were. The end game of lies and distance. 

 And now, Robbie begged. He pleaded him and there were pangs of guilt piercing through Billy, prompting him to maybe reach out, to pull Robbie close, forgive him and tell him it will all be okay. Luring him into their old life with a faint promise of better times, even though he knew something had to change for it. 

 So, he somehow stood his ground and kept his hands at his sides. “... I know... I love you too, and I want so much for you. You need help...” he added then, finally. “And I can’t help you in that way. You... You are too far for me to bring back. But no matter what, I will be there by your side through thick and thin... Okay?” he said then, drew in a small breath, lowered his gaze down between them as his hand slid out to take Robbie’s in his. “... What are you willing to do to fix this?”

Robbie scowled even more. “That’s all you’re going to say? You lied to me! And you didn’t even bring Gabe!” He pounded the table with his fist. “I go on a few races and you lock me up like I committed Grand Theft Auto?! Fuck, Billy, what about my job?!”

 Fine, let him be pissed. Let him scream and shout and point fingers. Let him shove at Billy and cut at him, break him down. He had already been pushed so far he barely cared anymore. It bled and it hurt, but he could take it, because he had nothing else to lose. 

 So, he licked his dry lips and twitched, he scratched at his knuckles until they were red. “... I didn’t lie. I told you how things work here. I told you that if the doctors decide so, they will keep you here. And I told you -... I told you I will visit whenever I can. But Gabe doesn’t deserve to see you like this. He doesn’t deserve having you scream at him. You are pissed and angry and you’re going through withdrawals, and I won’t let him see you like this,” he repeated, his voice soft, his nails now biting into the skin over his knuckles, leaving red scratches behind. “You are addicted, you know that. Your job will wait, I talked to your boss way before you had been administrated to stay here. Your life will wait. I will, too. Just... remember what you’ve promised me.”

Keep reading

Robbie let out a low moan as Billy finished inside him, feeling too boneless to do anything else. 

Sex nowadays felt special, and Robbie certainly felt special with how good Billy was to him, and as Billy pulled out and laid on top of him, the weight more comforting than suffocating, which was strange because he’d developed claustrophobia after he woke up from the coma. Robbie, still coming down from his orgasm, peppered kisses along Billy’s jaw and neck, holding him tight. “I love you so much.” And for now, there was no aching in his hand, no urge to race down a mountainside, just to be there, with the man he loved.

“I owe you a massage,” he mumbled with a small smile.

~END~

~ The End ~