First time smut writer: Um. Hope this is OK? It's only a bit of smut at the very end of the epilogue and you can skip it, it's ok. So sorry, um. Oh dear me. Please don't judge me. Nobody read this omg what have I done 😳

Seasoned smut writer: *ringing bell* Come get uR PORNOGRAPHY! 10k pwp, it's KINKY AS HECK so share it with all your friends!!! If you've got any suggestions for my Kinktober just drop it in the comments, I will write whatever wet, messy & DOWNRIGHT FILTHY fic about these two idiots 👏

First time smut beta: In the, uh ... oral scene ... Dan has 3 hands. He's got one, uh, on the -- look, just count them.

Seasoned smut beta: Somebody jizzed and I don't know where it ended up but canonically he spent a ton of money on that couch.

Fanfiction author writing about a guy having his first gay experience

This was nothing like his affairs with women. Women, with their soft curves, their wet heat, their velvet skin. Joe was all harsh angles in comparison. his XY chromosomes turned his skin to steel. every part of his body was made out of geometric shapes. gripping his hips was nothing like gripping the soft, petite, feminine, plush hips of a woman. joe’s lips were rough and chapped, unlike his ex-girlfriends lips, which were made out of chapstick. his cock was an actual tree trunk with bark and lichen and all

I hate it when people defend fic by insisting that it is, or can be, better than published fiction. Fic can be very good, but it is a whole different genre, and really good fic never tries to be like published, or even publishable fiction.

Case in point, I recently read a story that absolutely floored me with the strength of its characterisation, dialogue, and sheer vision. It was a deliberate riff on the concept of Omelas, fitting a new narrative into the imagery of darkness and light, of solitary suffering under a joyful city. It engaged with the problem of evil and the difficulty of not only building a just society, but also ensuring it actually remained just in the face of serious pressure over time. It made me feel things I haven’t felt since I was eighteen and heavily overidentified with Alyosha Karamazov.

But I can’t share this brilliant gem of a story with anyone I know irl because it also has three scenes of Optimus Prime getting vigorously dicked in the dorsal access port, whatever that is.

who tf is kim kitsuragi

…okay, I guess we’re doing this. sorry for the long post. get ready for:

the tardis wiki penis saga

so I’ve recently seen this screenshot being circulated a lot as an example of awful wikis:

but the thing is, I—along with jenna @jagoandlitefoot​—am responsible for this page.

let me explain. TARDIS wiki is really bad. infamously bad. “has a list of nonhuman lighthouse keepers but deleted the list of gay characters for being not relevant” bad. “used to have a page that was just every instance of the n-word in dr who” bad.

you see, there are some really, really awful parts of the dr. who expanded universe. and of course, i’m intimately familiar with them—i’ve liveblogged some of the more awful ones on occasion.

so we hatched a plan: could we slide a page on penes into the fan wiki for 1960s BBC scifi show Dr. Who?

(incidentally—and because this is annoying to me when people make fun of it—the fact that it’s in past tense is to maintain stylistic consistency across the wiki. If a character dies you don’t want to have to edit every mention of them on the wiki to be in past tense. It’s just a way of futureproofing it, and the site should be stylistically consistent.)

anyway, there had actually previously been a few “Penis” articles on the wiki, but they were all made as vandalism. we wanted to do something worse. we wanted malicious compliance. so we made the page and populated it with every mention of dicks we could think of in Dr Who. and to our delight, other people got the joke(?) and started adding in other references!

but we wanted to go further. you see, as I’ve already eluded to, the Dr. Who EU is weird. there’s a fourth-wall-aware old lady who lives in a bus with a talking stuffed panda bear. there’s 7 different sherlock holmeses. there’s random spinoffs based on one-off characters from the 60s.

And there’s a fully licensed tentacle porno featuring shapeshifting squid aliens.

so we decided to take the penis page to the next level. we decided to illustrate it. with an image from canon. 

click at your own peril. i cannot stress enough that there is mandick in this link so be warned.

but was this legal? surely there’d be something in the rules forbidding this. we pored over the TARDIS wiki editing rules.

there was nothing against it. in fact, the wiki’s rules specified that the wiki was not G-rated and was meant to cover all of Dr. Who. the dick was legal.

so we uploaded it.

within two minutes the edit had been reverted. the stated reason for the reversion was very succinct:

but we knew our rights. we stood our ground, we fought the good fight, and we put the image back up. this time, the image stayed up for almost an hour! but then it was sadly removed. unfortunately, we had actually violated the TARDIS wiki rules.

how so?

we used the wrong image format. that was the only reason.

so we changed the image format. and reuploaded it.

mr. “AH JESUS” wasn’t having it, and deleted it again. so we took to the talk page. this sparked off an intense argument on the talk page over whether the dick pic was allowed. now this was SO much bigger than our humble discord server. people were getting HEATED: 

eventually the admin of the entire tardis wiki stepped in. his judgement passed. the verdict?

THE DICK WAS LEGAL.

the dick would stay.

sadly nothing can last forever, and it was not TARDIS wiki’s rules that prevented the dick pic, but rather fandom wiki’s overall terms of use. tragically the dick was removed—but it will live on in our hearts forever.

don’t worry everyone the doctor who wiki has everything under control

funny thing about that! it’s written from a perspective of being at the literal end of time so everything is in past tense. this is also why they won’t include categories on LGBT characters:

(We write articles in the past tense from an ‘end of the universe’ POV. The Category:LGBT individuals, makes no sense for me as it’s a very 20th to early 21st century view point. Beyond the 20th and before the 20th it’s never really made an issue of, DW universe wise. By Benny’s time (26th century) it’s not even a thing, Jason Kane (who was from the 1980s) has shagged everything male, female and alien. In Chris Cwej and Roz Forrester’s time (30th century) again not a thing, and the fast forward to the 51st century and we’ve got Captain-shag anything-Jack. If the concept of LGBT existed in the DW universe we’d have a page for it, and we don’t, cause it’s really not something that’s given a lot of thought as a defined concept.)

every so often i remember how we conspired on discord to create this page specifically to combat the extremely pedantic rules and mods on the tardis wiki to see if it would get deleted. clearly, it is still here, and has in fact been substantially added to, although the image we tried to include got deleted for being inappropriate. though the simple AH JESUS of this person deleting it will live with me forever

IT’S ON SOUNDCLOUD

i started listening to the mechanisms, and i am sorry actual human person jonny simms, but after 60 or whatever hours of the magnus archives, all i can hear is jon archivist which makes it all VERY funny

anyway turns out the mechanisms are very much my shit, even if i can’t stop laughing at the image of jon archivist being the one singing

also there are TWO separate songs with people who fuck their spaceships. love that for them

anyway maybe give them a listen if you’re into space pirates/steampunk/folk music type stuff, very tragic gay love stories, space fairy tales, wild west camelot, cyberpunk mount olympus, or norse mythology vs eldritch horror on a train. or people fucking their spaceships!

i started listening to the mechanisms, and i am sorry actual human person jonny simms, but after 60 or whatever hours of the magnus archives, all i can hear is jon archivist which makes it all VERY funny

anyway turns out the mechanisms are very much my shit, even if i can’t stop laughing at the image of jon archivist being the one singing

also there are TWO separate songs with people who fuck their spaceships. love that for them

The thing that Crowley loves most about Aziraphale is that he’s noisy. 

Crowley has spent his life living in quiet. Sometimes, it’s the peaceful kind; the kind of silence that’s looking out of the window, drinking a cup of coffee and watching the glass steam up whilst catching up with your thoughts. But most of the time, it’s a lonely kind of silence. It’s a silence that he feels an urge to fill with Queen, or Mozart, or reprimanding his plants. It’s the sort of silence that leads him to staring out of the window, less with content introspection, more through some need to remind himself of the people down below. A silence that makes his dark, minimalist apartment feel like a cell. 

But Aziraphale fills the silence. And Crowley has often found that people will fill the space they occupy, fill the space they’re provided with things and trinkets and love and noise. Aziraphale is no different. Aziraphale has seen the cavernous gap in Crowley’s heart and filled it, whether he knows it or not. 

It’s in the way he sings when he’s forgotten that Crowley is next door, when he thinks no one can hear him bum-di-pum-pum-ing through some Mozart requiem. The little noises of contentment when he’s eating. The way he makes comments all the way through movies- ‘Oh, I like his outfit’. ‘That wasn’t a very nice thing to say, I don’t like this character all too much, dear boy.’ ‘Oh! I didn’t see that coming!’- that drives Crowley mad. Or, the way he makes keening noises in his ear when they’re tangled up together beneath the sheets- that drives Crowley mad. It’s in the way that Aziraphale calls him when they’re apart, voice distorted down the phone but no less comforting. 

It’s in the gentle sound of him turning the pages of his book in Crowley’s apartment. 

It’s in the way that he hears Aziraphale’s voice in his head when they’re apart. The way that Crowley’s mind supplies conversation with him, when his angel is absent. And it’s in the way that something in him sings, knowing that Aziraphale exists.

just know that i am always far closer to making more horny posts about dagon’s teeth than you will ever see

@kat-kuhl​ said: *chinhands*

alright, alright, kat, for you.

once, long ago, dagon had teeth as white and straight as any angel. (not, strictly speaking, that they truly need or, indeed, have teeth, or any other body part for that matter. but it’s a convenience, a shorthand, and metaphysically they all have perfect teeth. a bit too perfect, really.)

and then she fell.

she was always bookish, for an angel, whatever went for bookishness before there were books. studious and detail oriented, more fond of organizing paperwork than anyone had any right to be. (and perhaps that’s why she fell: bound to be something evil in that.)

but anyway. that is all beside the point. the point here is teeth.

angels and demons can all choose whatever form they want. perhaps some of it is involuntary, or else long habit that becomes ingrained, but perhaps they all have weird preferences, who can say. angels are far too concerned with appearances. demons, however, are just here to have fun. and if you want shiny pointy teeth, who’s going to stop you?

(perhaps it was once angel gold, burnt and reforged in the fall. turning old material to new, forming new shapes, new rebellion, taking what once was a sign of the divine and making it their own. mouth filled with the very symbol of angelic being, now turned ruthless and hard and flashing cruelly with every word, every smile. not that angels aren’t ruthless and hard, as well. they’re beings of war, waiting for any excuse to bring back flaming sword and shield. but they hide it, at least on the surface, trying to look elegant and poised. demons are more honest about the violence they’re ready to inflict.)

teeth can rend and bite, but they also have other uses. dagon’s mouth against beelzebub’s neck, dragging along their skin, leaving sharp red lines as they pass before soothing with a quick lap of tongue. beelzebub’s nails dig into dagon’s shoulders, and they let out a sound between a hiss and a buzz.

or perhaps with an angel, perhaps uriel. consorting with a demon is forbidden, of course. officially. but as long as you’re discreet and don’t let it get in the way, well. just don’t be obvious about it. just don’t let it sway you, ever, from your side. you have a duty. but if you take small breaks from that duty...

they meet up in shadowy rooms, the glint of light filtering through a window long past due for a cleaning just barely enough to see by, though the room itself is miraculously clean. the subtle light reflects off shiny scales, shiny teeth, gold and silver metallic accents complementing and reflecting each other. and teeth, long and spiky, so easily used for violence but now brought to other purposes, secret and gentle, points of pleasure rather than pain.

hadestown is not actually very good omens adjacent, but i spent pretty much all of last month listening to it on repeat, and there are a few lines that really get me in the a/c feelings. like the “where are you” bit in doubt comes in. or wait for me. in context neither of these are actually a/c songs at ALL but. still.

honestly more than anything i think it’s crowley’s ”wherever you are, i’ll come to you” vs wait for me’s “wherever she is, is where i’ll go” that gets me. just little the person you love is kinda dead things!

#aziraphale after the bandstand#'i recall there was a time we were happy you and i#in the garden where we met. nothing was between us yet'#the garden metaphors are tight (via @quasarkisses​)

okay hades and persephone are even less a/c than orpheus and euridice since, to reiterate, hades is a complete fuckhead, but also all the stuff about love at first sight in a garden...yes. also NOW that you’ve brought this up we have to confront this bit in chant ii:

Love was when he came to me Begging on his bended knees To please have pity on his heart And let him lay me in the dirt...

I felt his arms around me then We didn’t need a wedding bed Dark seeds scattered on the ground The wild birds were flying around