Cheers M'Dears!

told them i’m into overstim and they confiscated my noise canceling headphones and took me to the grocery store

NOT WHAT I MEANT NOT WHAT I MEANT NOT WHAT I MEANT NOT WHAT I MEANT

My douchey new coworker has interrupted me more times than I can count and speaks on every topic like he’s the world authority on Everything. I am trying to reign my feelings in at merely disliking him rather than full on loathing but it’s a struggle.

One of the ways I’m doing this is by venting small conversational potshots at him. On the topic of coffee he was saying someone make a joke about him having an elaborate order. I quipped, “Yeah, I can see it. You have the mannerisms of someone with a fussy coffee order.”

He stiffly informed me he drinks black coffee.

Later he told me and another lady who he was only speaking to because there was no other guys on shift yet, “Yeah I drink two energy drinks a day.” This was delivered in the cadence of a brag which baffled both of us.

She said, “Your poor liver.”

He shrugged and said, “I just have a higher tolerance than most people.”

“I think that’s what alcoholics say,” I snipped and his mouth went flat. He would go on to inform us he once spent $2000 on dinner and we were both wildly unimpressed to his vexation.

Need everyone to know that after I complained about how much better the mens flip flops I bought were than womens this man told me that mens flip flops were better padded with foam because “Men’s feet are more sensitive.”

scream.

“Did I do it right?”

(with hearts in my eyes) i hate him. he sucks so bad

researching parrying daggers as a fun little treat and i'm delighted by how much every single one of these things looks like it's designed to be as annoying as possible

this one is my favourite. it's called a swordbreaker. it looks like a weaponised version of snagging your clothes on a door handle. if you caught my blade in one of these things there isn't a force on earth that could deliver you from my fury.

deliver your fury with what? your sword?

oof

I want a relationship like this

The himbo energy here is impeccable

[Transcription: A well-dressed fancy lady and man stand facing each other in an old-fashioned movie*

Woman: “And now you want me to teach you jiu jitsu.”

Man: “If you don’t mind, Miss Plum.”

Plum, loud and excitedly: “IT’LL BE A PLEASURE.”

*She rips his tuxedo jacket off his shoulders, grips him aggressively, and yeets him over her shoulder in a jiu jitsu martial arts fashion*

Man: *Clasping her arms a few seconds later while she looks coyly at him* “Now, let me see. Um. Let me do it to you.”

*He appears very concentrated, the camera shifts to her soft smile and romantic music begins to play, accentuating a mood that he is NOT picking up on*

“Now, let me see first of all I, um,- I pull this down.” *He pulls her cardigan off her shoulders, her collarbone now exposed and she likes it that way, she looks very obviously at his lips, like this lady has absolutely zero chill*

“Now I do this!” *He jilts her shoulders into them so their faces are centimeters away, she looks like she would like to eat his face and he is still very concentrated but in a giddy boy way*

Him: “Then I hold you close!”

Plum: “Closer.”

Him, confuzzled: “I beg your pardon?”

Plum: “Closer!! Close as you can!” *She is mentally having sex already*

Him: “Oh, yes.” *He searches her eyes for direction*

Him: “Now what do I do?”

*Miss Plum is absolutely beaming*

Plum: “Don’t you know?”

*She wants him to do things to her and he stands there mouth agape. You can see his one braincell struggling visibly in his hollow brain as realization of the century is dangling in front of him. He’s about to realize and then*

Him: “Of course! Now I apply the leverage!” *And he yeets her on to the floor*

*The music swells and fades, telling the audience that this man’s one braincell has failed him. Himbo of the century.*

END.]

Reblogging for the trasncript.

yeah she "pegged me", and by "pegged" haha well. let's just say...,sword through my chest

ill kiss u so hard man dont fuck w me

*puts my cigarettes out on you*

*wuickly smokes it all before you can reach me*

oh a wise guy huh? *rolls up my sleeves* why I oughta…

*wuickly rolls your sleeves back down before you can hit me*

sorry i tried to kill u can we still fuck