something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Very short, very sad, little CjIzzy one-shot
Very short, very sad, little CjIzzy one-shot
he looks like a car salesman in an 80s porno
Anyway! Have some rambling about an AU I thought of in my discord server a while back (mostly just gonna copy/paste it lmao):
Ed's super into paranormal shit, runs one of those youtube channels that reads stories/shows videos of hauntings/etc. He desperately wishes for something paranormal to happen to him. His best friend/fwb/'whatever they got going on', Izzy, is a skeptic.
Ed's new boyfriend, Stede, insists that he's a medium and that there's something haunting Izzy's house. Izzy always has an explanation though. (The lights are flickering because the place is old as shit and the electricity is shot. There are cold spots because the windows are drafty and the house isn't well insulated The creaks and thumps are the house settling or animals in the crawl-space. Etc.)
Ed calls him a buzz-kill but ultimately lets him be with his explanations until something happens that could have legit hurt Izzy (Honestly not sure what yet, maybe something falls that shouldn't have been able to or he gets locked in the basement all night in the middle of winter? Something like that.) and Ed is worried so he asks his other friend, Jack (who has his own youtube channel, where he does paranormal investigations as a medium), to come over and have a look to see if he can help.
Izzy thinks they're all full of shit but Jack agrees to not record it for his channel so Izzy lets Ed have this because 'I care about you Iz. I know you don't believe in all this shit but I'm worried and it would just make me feel better, letting you keep staying in this place, if someone came and looked at it.' and Izzy can't say no to that.
Izzy's surprised Jack isn't more like Ed (who's got the whole goth aesthetic) or Stede (who's got the whole 'white gay appropriating other people's cultural myths for clout' vibe) but just a normal (if a little frat-like) dude.
Jack's understanding of him being a skeptic and doesn't try to convince him, just talks about what he is thinking and feeling. He even commends him for checking the practical possibilities first (had the place tested for black mold/replaced the co detectors/etc) and he keeps getting little digs in at Stede so he lets them keep doing their thing without much fuss.
So he's not as dickish as he could be when he's told 'Yeah I mean, Steve's picking up on something, but man he's just barely dipping his pinky-toe in it to be honest? My heebies are fully jeebied!'
Stede starts to object about the name but Ed jumps in with a 'So the house is haunted?'
And Jack's like 'No. Whatever's here, it's not here for the house. It's here for Izzy.'
(I don't have much of the in between, because I like concepts but am notoriously bad at following through, but the gist is: Izzy gets full on possessed at some point, they all manage to save him, and afterwards Jack takes him out on a date to Waffle House.)
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
In 'not related to s2' 'news' I'm thinking about Cjizzy again.
Also been listening to The Great Comet soundtrack.
Now I've got a CJ in my head telling Izzy 'If. . . If I were not myself. . . but the brightest, handsomest, best man on earth. . . and if you were free, I would get down on my knees this minute and ask you for your hand. . . and for your love.'
So now you all get to think about that with me.
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
If Ed were Orpheus he would turn around for Stede but not for Izzy, both of these are a tragedy.
If Stede were Orpheus he would turn around for Ed but not for Izzy, one of these is a tragedy.
If Izzy were Orpheus he would turn around for Ed and Stede, one of these is a tragedy (the other is a comedy).
Aaaaaaaand because I can’t get on without rubbing my Cjizzy hands all over everything:
Neither Izzy or Jack would turn around for each other, this is the only happy ending.
#the dork is being a dork#izzy hands#edward teach#calico jack#stede bonnet#steddyhands#edizzy#cjizzy#stizzy#edstede#to expand a bit:#ed turns for stede because he doesn't fully KNOW him to trust that he will be there#he doesn't turn for izzy because he takes for granted that izzy will always be there#he might not be there if he did turn around (of his own volition or otherwise)#stede turns for ed because he doesn't trust that HE is worth following#he doesn't turn for izzy because he recognizes izzy is loyal and if he's chosen to follow him he won't run from that#(may seem like a contradiction but basically he considers himself unworthy of ed but not izzy)#izzy turns for ed because he doesn't want to hold ed to him if he doesn't want to be#(he does want to be. izzy just has the same habit as stede of thinking he knows what's best for the person/people he loves)#he turns for stede because he won't shut the fuck up#izzy and jack both WANT to turn for each other because they're scared they won't be there but they trust each other#and they trust that if there is some fucky tricks going on that the other will kick up enough of a fuss to get out of it#both are 100% willing to punch a god in the face/dick for each other#thank you for coming to my ted talk
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Was gonna make a joke about trans Izzy having to rawdog period cramps on account of ibuprofen not being invented yet but then I remembered mfers in the 1700s were using fuckin opium for pain relief and now I’m a little jealous ngl.
Course Izzy strikes me as the ‘never take anything for pain, just work thru it’ type so maybe he WAS still rawdogging it? 😔
Real and True, @harryduboisfathog.
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Content Label: Mature: Sexual Themes
Anonymous asked:
Do you think calico jack's crew mutinied because he requested too many butt clitties from the crew?
I do wanna preface this, Anon, by saying that, while I don't particularly mind getting asks like this, you really shouldn't be mass sending these to complete strangers. Not everyone is gonna be comfortable getting asks with sexual topics, especially from an anon.
That said, I personally think CJ's ass is reservation only, with a standing reservation for one Izzy Hands (and maybe later the occasional Stede 'Horse Cock' Bonnet, not Ed tho cause he's too much of a pillow princess), so no not really. Most likely reason is the excessive whippies or the yardies or whatever he was calling the thing with the cannons (blowies, probably).
But then I also don't think he actually got mutinied, since his whole deal was manipulating Ed and Stede, so.
Content Label: Mature
Sexual themes
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Content Label: Mature: Sexual Themes
Anonymous asked:
But I don't think cj knows enough about clits. He'd definitely call it his butt clit (and maybe also coin the term bussy?)
Oh. No, Anon, that is a man who Eats Pussy. That man is WELL acquainted with pussy; She/her pussy, he/him pussy, the ever mystifying they/them pussy that man has gotten sloppy with them all. Calico Jack coined the term 'mustache-rides'. He's even got his red wings and everything.
Anyway this got away from me a bit; Point is, he knows plenty about clits. I do think you're on to something with him coining 'bussy' tho.
Content Label: Mature
Sexual themes
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Content Label: Mature: Sexual Themes
Anonymous asked:
Do you think that calico jack calls his prostate his butt clit?
I. . . fkjsfkf ok.
No, but I do think he calls it his g-spot. The clit is (for the sake of simplification) external, so he'd compare it to the other internal. Uh. Erogenous zone? Pleasure spot? Whatever that technical term is?
He would call his dick a clit tho, if he wanted to feminize himself (horny or gender reasons tbh, both, even).
Content Label: Mature
Sexual themes
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
I want some happy in the Izzy tag so.
Jack is gonna propose to Izzy, he wants to do a whole big thing about it, practically planning a flash mob, but he doesn’t cause he knows Izzy would hate it with all the attention on him.
So he plans quieter, take him to his favorite vegan restaurant, slip the ring in his food or his drink, but then, he can’t go with that either because Izzy is so particular about his food since he’s got all those stomach issues and Jack doesn’t want to send him into an anxiety spiral about where his food’s been.
So he plans gentler, movie marathon night at home, bunch of those sappy romantic movies they both pretend they hate, he’ll tell him ‘hey I got you something extra special with all the snacks’ and pull out the ring box. Yeah. He’ll go with that one. He puts in a request for the day off, pulls out all their super comfy blankets and washes them to make sure they’re extra fresh. Plans a little menu and goes shopping, so excited he’s dancing in the aisles.
The morning before and Jack wakes up to Izzy making breakfast, all the stuff he can’t eat but he knows Jack likes, god he loves him. He gets up, heads to the kitchen presses a big, lip-smacking, kiss to Izzy’s temple and fixes Izzy’s coffee before sitting down to the plate Izzy’s already prepared for him. He’s got the fork halfway to his mouth when Izzy slaps something down on the table.
Jack blinks. Blinks again.
Fuck.
Its the ring box. How did Izzy find it? Jack was keeping it in his truck! Izzy never went in his truck without him, he didn’t even drive! Shit! Could he still save this? Maybe he could-
Wait.
That’s not his ring box. The one he’d bought was a nice, dark green, velvet. This one is a sleek, tan leather. He looks up at Izzy, who is leaning back against the counter, arms crossed tight against his chest, pointedly avoiding eye contact.
‘Well?’ He, honestly, kinda demands in that snappy tone of voice he gets when he’s trying to pretend like he’s not more nervous than a balloon in a needle factory. ‘Are you gonna fuckin’ say “yes” or not?’
A grin splits Jack’s face. He feels about fit to burst himself, how happy he is.
‘Lemme run to my truck real quick.’
#the dork is being a dork#izzy hands#calico jack#cjizzy#their friends all knew and they thought it was too hilarious and sweet to let them in on it#jackie calls the next day asking 'so who am i congratulating?'#anne and mary/mark are demanding pictures of the rings cause they both helped pick them to match#they call ed and go 'bad news man' and ed (and stede) are like 'WHAT' and they're like 'yeah we don't know who's best man to make you'#and ed is like 'DON'T FUCKIN DO THAT TO ME YOU DICK'
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
i'm going to be pondering morticia and gomez-flavored cjizzy for days now, thank you for this
FDSLKFJDSG You're welcome! Important question: When they dress up as them for halloween, who's who? Cause you'd think Izzy-Gomez since they're both short yeah? But like. Izzy-Morticia is just. Hhhhh. And CJ could absolutely pull off Gomez levels of simpery. Tho it is REALLY funny to think of him in Morticia's dress and trying for 'stoic' lmfao.
i think they should flip-flop every halloween, it suits izzy's gothy taste either way and cj is happy to either wear a dress or see izzy in a dress
Izzy: You were unhinged last night. Do it again.
Jack: You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.
*Ed voice* Brilliant, love that.
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
More modern au CJ (and people related to him) headcanons cause I should be asleep rn but I’m not:
This is a lot of rambling so under a read-more it goes lmao
#the dork is being a dork#calico jack#izzy hands#cjizzy#i'm aware this makes ed look like a really shitty person#to be fair to stede he doesn't know they're together when he gets with ed#ed DOES care about izzy he's just. really self centered?#stede is too cause he doesn't exactly break things off with ed once he finds out about izzy#anyway they're not THE villains here and they do want to/try to help when things get underway#kinda#in their own ways lmao#i should revisit some of these tbh
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Jack, upon running into Izzy in the Republic of Pirates: Izzy Hands! As I live and breed!
Izzy, exhausted, in need of a favor: ‘Breathe’
Jack, horny opportunist: Right right. So I guess that means oral’s out?
#the dork is being a dork#calico jack#izzy hands#cjizzy#look cj may be number one izzy respecter but he's also - well - a horny opportunist lmfao#izzy knows what he's getting from jack and jack doesn't ask if he thinks izzy won't want it#(and he understands that 'no' is a complete sentence)#this is dumb i know lmfao#the phrase 'as i live and breed' came to me while i was working and i thought it was funny and something cj would say lol
something-about-sunflowers reblogged
Apropos of nothing I think a modern CJ would be a fireman.
He either got the burn on his arm on the job OR he got it before, doing some dumb drunk shit, and the hot firefighter who saved his ass made him want to join up.
… The more I think about it the more I like the second option lmao.
It wouldn’t be an immediate thing, I don’t think, he’d be recovering for a while, wind up developing some worse habits than the drinking (lotta pain meds for burns that bad, he’s already an alcoholic so what’s one more addiction?). Does some other dumb shit and puts someone ELSE’s life in danger because of it (maybe Anne and/or their kid? or Mary/Mark?) that kinda wakes him up. He goes to rehab, gets better, runs into the firefighter who saved him by chance at like, the grocery store or smth, asks them to help him join up.
Still gets to be a bit of a dumb frat boy (minus the drinking), lives for their yearly sexy firefighter calendar (sends one to all his friends two for Izzy), his team are all 100% acab and back him up whenever he has run-ins with some of the cops who’ve arrested him in the past. He dresses up as a sexy firefighter (almost) every halloween (almost because he does couples costumes with Izzy once they get together).
