Cecil Baldwin talks openly about HIV for the first time. I love him, and I’m so incredibly proud of him. Honored to call him a friend, my fictional podcast boyfriend, and a stigma-ending badass.
Here’s my transcript:
Dylan Marron: Hey, I’m Dylan Marron, and I am here with actor and voice of the international hit podcast Welcome to Night Vale, Cecil Baldwin! Hi, Cecil.
Cecil Baldwin: Hi, Dylan. How’s it going?
DM: It’s good, how are you?
CB: I’m doing well.
DM: Um, so we play a kuh- notable* fictional queer couple on a podcast, and we’re friends in real life! [laughs] *[I can’t tell if Dylan is using some word I don’t get, or if he starts saying a word that starts with a kuh sound, like couple, and then changes into just saying “notable”]
CB: That’s true!
DM: How do you navigate that balance between the two?
CB: Um, I - I *love* the fact that I get to perform with you, and are friends. Uh, I mean it is kinda funny, uh, playing your boyfriend on the show. When - especially when I know, y'know, you so well, and I know your husband so well.
DM: [laughs] It feels adulterous!
CB: It’s a little bit. [makes “little” gesture with fingers]
DM: So Cecil, um, you have never talked so publicly, on video, about your HIV status. What do you think the hesitation was about?
CB: Uh, I think ultimately the reason I wanted to talk to you about being HIV positive today, is that I find that we’re at this age, in 2016, where so many people in America and worldwide have HIV and are living with it, and are surviving it, and are - are making their lives work. I think that it’s important for, uh, people who are HIV positive, in the position to create a sounding-board, to let those other people know that we’re out there, and we’re a part of everyday life.
DM: When you first got diagnosed with HIV, what were you feeling? What did that feel like?
CB: I had *just* moved to New York, two months prior. And I was going in for my quarterly, you know, STD, uh, check-up, you know, just to kinda check in on my health. And I’d found out I was HIV positive. And it was - a surprise, a shock. Uh, and it was sadness, and it was, uh - there was a part of me that went into mourning. Because I didn’t know a lot about the disease. I didn’t know a lot about the treatments for the disease at the time. Um, I ended up writing letters to my parents, to a couple of close friends. Uh, and I went to a friend’s house, and, uh, we ate chocolate crepes, because chocolate always makes you feel better. And had a couple glasses of wine. And I remember talking to my friend, about - all I wanted to do was go home, and crawl under a blanket, and have my parents take care of me, because my life was over. And my friend kind of injected some real-life wisdom into that scenario, and said “You need to stay exactly where you are. You just moved to New York, you are in one of the *best* places in the world, with the *biggest* community of HIV positive people. You need to find your way into that community, because they’re there for you.”
DM: So, was there any particular moment, where a friend, a stranger - just kinda broke down the stigma, and made you feel very comfortable?
CB: Uh, I went to get a tattoo, here in New York, uh, from a friend of mine. And I’m filling out the questionnaire, um, and one of the questions is “are you HIV positive, AIDS,” you know, and you kinda have kinda to check yes/no. And it was the first time that my HIV status had been brought up in an everyday situation outside of the doctor’s office, outside of a conversation with friends or family. Um, and I got very nervous, and I got very anxious about it, because - I didn’t know how to react. Um, and so I called my friend over, the tattoo artist. And I said “Hey, uh - so I’m HIV positive, is that - a problem?” and I kinda lowered my voice so nobody else in the tattoo shop could hear me, cuz I was so nervous about it. And he just looked at me and said “my sister has it, it’s not a big deal.” And then walked away.
DM: Do you think there is still a stigma against HIV?
CB: Absolutely. You know, I feel this when I, have to say, go get a refill on my HIV medication and I’m outside of New York. And I go into a - a pharmacy somewhere in America, and the thought creeps up on me, of - is the person behind the desk judging me, is the person behind me judging me. We’ve cut through a lot of uh, the, you know, the sort of *big* myths. You can share a toilet with somebody [both laugh] and you won’t get AIDS. You can swim in a swimming pool, and you won’t get AIDS. Like, we’ve moved past that and now the stigma’s a little more insidious, and a little more underground. Which is part of the reason why visibility is so important.
DM: A lot of queer kids, growing up right now, did not live through the AIDS crisis. Do you think that understanding the history of the AIDS crisis is important to queer history?
CB: Uh, I think the best thing that young queer people can do, is to go back, and look at history. And look at the people who have forged that path, who have fought these battles, in the day when the battle really *needed* to be fought. Um, and not just see it as history, but see it as living history. Um, to recognize that a movement is just made out of individuals. And look for the individuals in that movement, and you’ll understand the movement.
DM: When you first get that diagnosis, that you are HIV positive, it can feel um - deafening, and it can feel terrifying. What are the kind of resources that really helped you?
CB: Uh, I - two very good friends of mine, who are both HIV positive, sent me to a community health center here in New York called Callen-Lorde [http://callen-lorde.org] And this was - eye-opening, for me. Here was a health center entirely devoted to uh, the care, and the, uh empowering of - not just queer people, but everyone in the community. But it was through Callen-Lorde that I found myself with a doctor, with a dentist, with a pharmacy, with - uh, a therapist, who was willing to help me make this - transition in life. Um, and not only that, but because I was making very little money, they were able to provide me with all of that care, and figure out a way to make it manageable. These communities are out there, all over America. You just have to find them.
DM: Cool! Um, you just talked about HIV publicly for the first time!
CB: Yeah!
DM: How do you feel?
CB: Uh, I feel good! I feel good.
DM: Thanks Cecil. I’m really proud of you.
CB: Thank you, Dylan.