A Fool, I. A curse, You. And Together : a Satire

Free drinks.

Free drinks.

Free –

“Fuck, I think I’m going to vomit."

“Disgusting! Make sure you get as far away from us as you possibly can!” spat a loud minstrel, was that Jaskier?

“Not here,” grunted another – clearly Geralt.

“For fuck’s sake, Dandelion.” A tone of utter disappointment laced that last one. It could only be the White Wolf.

From all three statements, Dandelion understood that the rant about his physical intoxication – and all implications tied to it – was unwanted in anyone’s vicinity.

Their reaction was completely self-explanatory. The moment the sun had set and the village lit up the bonfire to start serving food and liquor for all people to feast upon, Dandelion was doomed – in the most delightful way possible. He had drunk more in the past hours than he had in the past two months combined.

“Fine, fine, I’m going!” he grunted, wobbling upwards to make way out of the group amassed in a circle.

Was it just him or was everyone rocking back and forth?

He chuckled. Their faces looked funny.

“Careful. And don’t get yourself killed.”

He was given a helpful push from the back to regain his posture – or at least try not to fall off on his face. He guessed it was the White Wolf’s doing, who was as spent as the rest of them after sharing his not-suspicious-at-all vials. Dandelion had a sip – one! – and he was knocked out instantaneously.

It was a fun experience, nevertheless. Well, minus the aftermath which had Dandelion’s stomach turn upside down the second he settled on his two feet.

“Oh, fuuuck!”

The curse stretched for as long as he sprinted – or rather staggered – to the closest alleyway. The content of the past two hours’ worth of drinking was spilled on the corner of the closest wall, and thank the gods, emptying his stomach helped knock some sense back into his disoriented mind.

The world was still rocking on a boat eyesight-wise, so he rested his back against the wall to regain his breath. It was a fun night, surely, but the hangover promised to be anything but. Good thing he had left Salmon by Geralt’s side earlier, else he would have hated her witnessing so humiliating a side of his – he was a responsible parent, alright!

“Come on, let’s do it!”

“Here?”

“Yes here!”

The whispered exchange was accompanied by a series of giggles. Dandelion turned his head to the other end of the alleyway to identify, with squinted eyes, the shape of two moon-kissed individuals humping each other in the open.

“Disgraceful,” he mumbled to himself, then kept watching.

They kissed deeply – no, Dandelion corrected himself, disgustingly deep – then the woman’s dress was swayed up and her legs followed. Her moans broke out in the open like an impaled pigeon’s cries, god was she loud, and the man buried his face into her bosom, god was he indecent, and the two rose and fell until nothing else but their lascivious sounds were heard in the circumference.

God was this… tempting.

The encounter lasted faster than it started, shameful, and soon Dandelion’s presence was noticed and with a loud gasp and a few shouted curses, the two lovebirds scampered off elsewhere.

He was left alone with his thoughts – and hard-on.

“Curse my luck.”

He peeled his back off the wall and made back to his group. Upon his return, he noticed that Geralt and Jaskier went missing and the White Wolf was now sitting alone nestling a tankard of ale recently refilled.

“Terrible coping mechanism,” announced Dandelion upon approach, “Would strongly advise against it.”

The White Wolf scoffed, then took a swig, “Wise words from the man who chugged a dozen.”

“I’m feeling refreshed now, mind you,” he shrugged, crossing his arms. He did, though the lingering drowsiness was still strongly present, occasionally slurring his speech. “Where did those imbeciles go to now?”

The White Wolf opened his mouth but Dandelion was already raising a hand to stop him.

“Save it. I say good riddance to both. That aside…” He stumbled over a few legs and apologized to whomever they belonged, then leaned down to the White Wolf’s vicinity. “I have a grand idea as to where we could spend the rest of our evening, my dear friend.”

He received nothing further than a quirked eyebrow. Dandelion took that as the White Wolf’s way of showing complete interest. He was quick to flash a grin and tip his head towards town.

“Brothels and sweet company, Little Wolf, need I say more?”