Hi flower,

This is a textbook toxic relationship. Inconsistent behavior, love bombing, hot and cold, actions don't align with words, the list goes on. Another big reason such relationships are so damaging is because they mess up your brain chemistry. You literally become chemically addicted to the rollercoaster of it, and are not actually thinking clearly. When it's bad, the adrenaline and stress hormones flood you, but when it gets good again, the relief and happy chemicals flood your brain and you're addicted to getting that next fix. It's a constant loop. That's also why no contact is important, to break the loop.

That being said, it's normal that you're in shambles right now. Your nervous system is dysregulated. Your mind and body is a mess, your confidence is affected, and it's okay.

In my opinion, you should absolutely not be dating right now. You're in no mental or physical state to date around. You're not in a balanced, secure state, and as such you'll inevitably make decisions coming from vulnerability, from survival mode, from a desperate need-based mindset, and a dysregulated nervous system which is just looking for relief anywhere it gets. It's grounds to get exploited by the wrong people and a whole load of other messy situations that do not benefit you.

Sit yourself down and just focus on yourself. Breathe. Meditate. Journal and pray. Go to the gym, go for a run. Remember the things that bring you joy and peace, and focus on them. Slowly, you'll return back to yourself. And when your nervous sytem feels calm again, and you're paying attention to the glimmers around you, life feels lighter and you breathe in ease again, then, you might be ready to date again.

PS: For all the ladies out there, please listen to me when I say situationships are a scam. Unless you're the kind of person who can stay 100% detached with multiple partners for a long term, stay far away as possible from them. Men reap all the benefits, meanwhile you reap none (or a very shallow, temporary one) yet take all the risks. You're doing yourself a disservice and it's only in the detriment of your mental & emotional wellbeing, not to mention spiritual. All those people you give access to your energy and viceversa.... so if you play around with a lot of lazy, directionless, depressed people, you're literally absorbing all that energy into your own.

Be more discerning and selective, your feminine energy is so incredibly powerful and sacred, and should be treated as such.

Much love,

Darling,

You don't ask people to respect your boundaries.

You assert your boundaries.

I would add that a significant other doesn't bully you. They might tease once, but when you bring up the issue, they fix their behaviour because surprise, they actually care about you. You don't bully people you love.

Hope this helps,

Hi darling,

Here's a secret, there's two kinds of men.

It seems like your ex is the former. If he had serious intentions, he'd be demonstrating his true feelings through action and commitment (apologizing, asking you out on a date, sending you flowers and gifts). He's not. Instead, he's just stalking your page and popping in and out of your life just enough so that you're unable to heal or move on from him. A lot of guys do this because they feel validated when you respond - their ego is flattered, but it's all about them and you're just a pretty wallflower in this scenario.

Please do yourself a favor and leave these men on seen. Block if necessary. Nothing bothers such men more than a classy woman that is unbothered and unaffected and completely ignoring their cheap tricks. And mind you, this applies regardless of gender. I know of women as well that exhibit toxic behaviour like this and classy men that know how to set boundaries and not fall for this nonsense.

I will always encourage women to go no contact with all exes. Leaving a door open, no matter how little, always leads to nostalgia, lingering feelings, blocking your healing and so on.

Hi dear,

This sounds very much like a classic toxic relationship trauma-bonding. When we're used to bad treatment and toxic relationships for a long while, it becomes our norm, it is what we're familiar with. And here's the thing about our brains, it interprets anything familiar = safe. So just because those situations are familiar to you, it's what feels safe to you. It was an act of self-protection to go running back to what's familiar to you, so forgive yourself for that.

Meanwhile, the healthy, secure relationship is the unfamiliar one. Even if it's rationally, realistically what you should feel safest in, it scares you and throws your nervous system off because...you literally have not been in this situation before. It's unknown, it's scary! So you ran away from it.

However... there comes a time when you need to break these patterns because they're no longer serving or protecting you. If anything, it's keeping you stuck in those toxic cycles where people treat you wrong, and you reject those that wanna treat you right.

The fact of the matter is, you messed up. Yes, big sis Lumen doesn't sugarcoat things and says it like it is. You probably broke the sweet guy's heart and at this point, what's done is done. Don't pick at old wounds that are likely still healing. Let him go, move on, and learn your lessons from these experiences so you make better choices in the future.

The conclusion? It's our trauma that finds "bad boys" magnetic. Trust me, I get it. But when we're healed and secure, we just want the secure, calm men that emanate husband energy... that's when you know you're ready for the right one.

Best wishes,

Hi flower,

You can understand someone without allowing them access back into your life. You can forgive someone without tolerating any further mistreatment. The two things are not tied together.

Just because you understand that another person is human and they went through a lot of trauma and challenges, doesn't change or excuse their behaviour, nor does it mean you have to swallow it! We are all accountable for our actions and words, regardless of our past.

I don't know your age or the deeper context of your situation, but assuming you're over 18 (I don't feel comfortable giving advice to minors so I choose not to) and have the freedom to do so, I would always advise to prioritize your wellbeing and mental health. That's the beauty of awakening to your true power - realizing you can actually choose what you want (or don't want) in your life anymore.

It's normal to feel confused. But don't let anyone guilt-trip you into keeping toxic people or connections in your life! It doesn't matter if it's friends or family, a spouse you're married to or anyone else. Blood ties shouldn't absolve anyone of good manners or a good heart. And with some people, you have no choice but set boundaries or cut them out of your life completely, otherwise they will keep hurting or taking advantage of you.

Listen to your intuition - it wants distance from this person for a valid reason. It's okay to protect your peace. 🕊 Having boundaries is not only very empowering, but very healthy too.

Best wishes,

Hi darling, This is a truth that you're yet young to believe, but experience proves it to be a fact with time: when a person shows you, even better, tells you, that he doesn't want to be with you... believe him! And stop trying to "fix" him! He's literally telling you his priorities and feelings. He's not interested. If he wanted to, he would. It's that simple. It's not your job to psychoanalyze him and create a strategy to "win his heart" back.

As women, we don't chase, and we don't take sloppy seconds, and we're not in beggar or mother theresa energy. We are in receiving energy, knowing that what's meant for us will find us. The right, healthy relationship won't require you to sacrifice yourself, or bend over backwards in order to be chosen. I know it's tempting to do anything to be "chosen", but that's operating on scarcity mindset, and from a survival mode.

I promise you, a real man that cares about you will show and tell you that he wants you and he will actively fight for you and your relationship.

For heaven's sake, don't waste your most precious years fretting and chasing unavailable people! That's one advice I would've loved to receive when I was in your position. Instead, decide what you want, maintain high standards, and in the meanwhile focus on your self improvement (develop hobbies, follow your passions, educate yourself, read books, try new sports, etc). The right one will come along at the right time.

But chasing unavailable people will only keep you in a pattern of your love interest running away from you (energetically, that's the dynamic you're volunteering for - you can't chase unless the other is running), and validating your toxic belief that you're not worthy of love or being chosen. Get off the hamsterwheel altogether. You can either do it in your 20s, or you can waste another 10, 20+ years on toxic dating until you're fed up and decide you deserve better - your choice.

Hope this helps. 🕊

Much love,

Babygirl I know red is your favorite color, but stop chasing the red flags. Waving your own flag of low self-worth like that? It's not cute anymore, do better.

Auntie Lumen pulling out the tough love card and calling you out, but in all seriousness, if I don’t do it the universe will. And when the universe does it? It will hit you with a painful & harsh lesson that’ll leave you curled up on the bathroom floor crying your heart out and wishing you’d never met them and wishing the heartache would stop because you can’t take it anymore.

So do yourself a favor and look the other way, and focus on the green flags for a change.

You. Deserve. Better.

Dear anon,

I don't normally reply to asks involving this much drama, but it needs to be said.

A high value woman would never tolerate this level of behaviour from any man. Read that again. Both of you ladies are fighting for the scraps of this man who's playing both of you. At some point you have to take a step back and admit you are also part of the problem. Please stop fighting for people who actively and consistently mistreat you.

When you know your worth and have high standards, you will learn the art of blocking/detaching from any person not worth your energy. This took me a while to learn, but once I did it changed my life. When any boys (not gentlemen) try their luck with me now, I read them like an open book and put them in their place like any classy woman should (if you need tips/advice on that let me know).

Hi lovely anon,

I'm so proud of you for being strong and brave enough to walk away! 👏👏👏 You've already made the hardest step which is the first one.

I know it's really hard right now, but I promise it gets better. Maybe not overnight, every day little by little the pain will ease and you will be able to enjoy the small beautiful things again, life will regain its depth and colors and it won't feel this bleak for long. Right now you're tired because your body is exhausted from being in survival/fight or flight mode so long.

Here are some guides/articles on how to move on from a breakup. I think in the confusion and scary unknown of the grieving process, it does help a lot to have a roadmap on what to expect, how to heal & move forward. You heal best when you honor each healing stage and process/feel things accordingly.

And don't apologize for venting, your feelings are valid. I'm always here if you need advice or just someone to listen. My blog is a safe space, we're here to glow up and above all to lift each other up. 🤍

Best wishes,

Darling,

You're not overreacting. Honor and respect your intuition, as well as your wellbeing, when you feel your needs aren't met. You deserve to feel supported and fulfilled!

It sounds like your partner is in a dark place, and that darkness is spilling out on you, moreso since he is actively choosing not to heal or do something about it. The issue isn't he's depressed, or even that he's at a stage where he doesn't yet feel strong enough to overcome it. Depression is valid and not something to joke about. The issue is he's hurting you meanwhile.

You have two choices here.

I've been in a similar situation, and I will tell you all those years invested earned me nothing but regrets and trauma. Understand you're not his saviour, you're not his healer or therapist, you're not his project manager or mother. A man should come to you straight, working on himself and doing his best already (and we should do the same).

Much love,

Dear anon,

So many red flags in just one paragraph. Ladies, please start being honest with yourselves and realize how supbar these men treat you.

With men, actions > words. He can say anything under the sky, but his actions will show the truth.

He promised you marriage and the moon, but his actions show the opposite: he puts in the bare minimum, refuses to invest in you $$, belittles you and insults you. Conclusion? He considers you a fun option for the moment and he's keeping you around until he "finds better".

My advice? End it, read some quality self-help books, establish some healthy boundaries and higher standards, and stop settling.

Hi flower,

I'm proud of you for getting this far and being on the right track! ❤️‍🩹 🙌

From what you're saying, it sounds like you're still in the first stage of the post-break up process: the grieving stage (focus is on basic needs as per the Maslow pyramid). And trying to push yourself to act as if you're in the last one (thriving & blooming).

Take it easy, love. Right now you should just listen to your body and your intuition, the answer is right there. Your mind, nervous system & body is exhausted and needs rest... in all its forms. Whether that is just binge watching shows, lying in silence in your room daydreaming or spacing out. These are actually forms of passive/active rest as well, and surprisingly enough, are essential too!

During this time, your mind & body is unconsciously processing things even if it doesn't seem like it. I know this is the hardest part, but it gets easier with time. Try to focus on one thing that brings you joy each day; cook your comfort meals or order in, or try 3-minute ramen recipes that are wholesome and filling. Anything that makes things easier for you at this time.

Honor this stage where your body & heart is asking you to give it a break and just let yourself grieve and heal at your own pace.

Just make sure you don't get stuck in one stage. Soon enough, whether it is days, weeks or months, you will reach the stage where you're once again thriving and blooming like the radiant soul you are. 🌸

I know from experience, as I've journaled my own healing journey from past breakups in order to better navigate it in the future, and it has actually helped a lot. I have an article on my blog on how to get over a breakup, but in my journal I actually broke it down even further step by step guiding myself through every stage, what are the common scenarios, what the focus should be, and what are things that help, etc. I can post that too if it helps anyone. In my case, I've found that first completely feeling the emotions, and only then rationalizing them, helps process them & move forward. Shine a light on any shadow, and you'll see the darkness vanishes away.

Much love,

Hi angel,

I congratulate you for removing any situationships from your life. It's not easy to go against the grain and decide you deserve better. But I will say, no woman that is confident, has high self-worth and good mental health will entertain a situationship. I said what I said.

Now, it's normal and human to crave connection, regardless of its form, so don't be hard on yourself for this! Start with deciding what high value partner you want, write a list of their qualities, and then say no to anything less. Make a vow to yourself if you have to.

In the meantime... focus on dating yourself, giving yourself anything and everything you'd crave from a partner. Literally. Validation, words of affirmation? Write "I am" positive affirmations and read them over and over until confidence bubbles up in your chest, or just call up a friend and open up about your needs. Want to feel safe? Tell yourself "I am safe, I am held" or similar affirmations, and ask yourself what actions from a man would make you feel safe, then give yourself that. Intimacy, connection? Reach out to friends or family and do some uplifting, rewarding activities like go for brunch, go shopping, do a yoga class or a roadtrip, watch a movie and have some laughs, go clubbing and dance it out, etc. Physical touch, pleasure? Get yourself some tools that will be there for you 24/7 so long as you recharge the batteries. Make yourself whole, then approach dating from a place of power and wholeness - it's the only way to win the game.

But the most important tip is this: build your foundation, your community of friends. Create meaningful connections and friendships. Meet new people. Network. I can't emphasize this enough.

Most of the time it's not even a partner/bf we want, it's just the feeling of being seen, known, appreciated, of being part of something meaningful or feeling alive! Society brainwashes women from the earliest age that a relationship/man/marriage is the end-all-be-all for happiness. Teaching us that we should view them as the one stop for all of our needs. The truth is, it's not. And no relationship can fulfill all of your needs, because that turns codependent and unhealthy very fast.

Friendships, I would argue, are the very foundation of everything. When you don't have friends, you jump from relationship to relationship because you're lonely and anxious and empty without one, because you lack a basic community to lean on. When you don't have friends, you cling to toxic men because you think "it's better than nothing". Do you see where this is going? Meanwhile, when you have a supportive community, you're more brave in walking away from anything subpar, you feel supported and held and safe in making any difficult choices. Speaking from experience, it makes a world of difference knowing you're not alone.

So, to summarize:

Best of wishes darling, and thank you for the kind words. I'm glad my writing is helping others reclaim their power and confidence! 💖💖🥂

Darling,

This is not a gentleman. Putting aside the circus parade of red flags...you can do whatever your heart pleases and he still has no right to be bothered. No commitment, no opinion.

Ladies, stop entertaining confused men that don't know what they want. They will play games and waste your precious time until they are bored and you are heartbroken & questioning your own worth. Stop psychoanalyzing HIM and ask YOURSELF why you're obsessing over an indecisive and emotionally unavailable man. Delete, block, move on 🚮 and make space for better things in your life.

When the cost of staying with someone is losing yourself, the price is too damn high.

When you finally understand this lesson, you will never again settle for toxic relationships, because you know nothing is worth losing yourself for, and that the quiet and solitude/loneliness is a safe haven compared to the rollercoaster of heartbreak and mental health issues caused by holding on to the wrong people.

No contact is a power move.

I’ve learned that it’s so damn powerful to remove yourself from someone’s life when they disrespect you.

It’s the biggest power move. No long paragraphs, no begging, no lame stalking, no losing your dignity. Just total silence. Because people who betray you, abuse or manipulate you, who break your heart or mistreat you? Honey, that mistreatment is your closure. You don’t need any other answers than that. Some people are just narcissists or hurting others because they’re hurting too but that’s not on you.

And when you practice such clear boundaries and cut off people's access to you accordingly, find peace in the fact that they will know. They will know they messed up. But an even more important reason to do this? Indifference is the opposite of love. When you engage in negative people you give them your energy. And those people deserve zero access to you, your energy, your social media, or any reason why. They already know why. And if they don’t, it’s not your job to teach them to act right. (I used to think it was, but the kind of people who treat you that way have no intention to change anyway, they would've already changed on seeing you in pain.)

Is it easy? At first it’ll be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, especially you people-pleasers and "nice girls" out there. But it’ll be so worth it, and you’ll feel more at peace with the idea of cutting off anyone who crosses the line. You’ll wake up one day minding your business, healed and thriving, and you’ll be proud and grateful to your past self for having kept your dignity and chosen the higher road.

Hi dear,

It's normal to miss someone that you've had a connection with, even if there was mistreatment. It's human. You can't just erase all the good moments with a sponge.

Why you still miss them:

However, that doesn't mean you need to get back to them. You don't need to act on the feelings, you just need to acknowledge and release them.

Here's what you should do next:

What helps when you start spiralling:

Hope this helps. It gets better, I promise. 💖