Hey I looooove your blog and was wondering if you could give me some tough love right now. I would love to hear your thoughts on my situation.
I’m 29 and I’ve been single for almost 6 years. My only two relationships were pretty unhealthy (one was physically abusive and the other had me bending over backwards to keep him interested in the relationship). For years since my last relationship, I’ve been riding a long wave of casual sex and one night stands. I stopped this recently as I realized that I was using casual sex as a coping mechanism to deal with loneliness and rejection, and often times found myself in situations where I was putting the man’s needs above mine so that I wouldn’t go through the process of getting rejected for having boundaries and standards. In other words, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince and beg guys that I was worth it. I have done therapy to deal with this.
Recently, I started online dating again with the intention of finding a genuine long-term connection and promised myself that I wouldn’t have sex until I was in a relationship. I matched with this guy and we talked for about a week. In all honesty, it was probably one of the best dating app conversations I’ve had - there were genuine questions, conversations that went beyond surface level, and great banter. He asked me out and we made plans for the following week. While we continued to talk, I could feel myself getting nervous and starting to put him on a pedestal. To ground myself, I asked if he would like to talk on the phone. I thought this would be a great idea because it would make me less nervous about meeting him in person and would give me a chance to see how he really is beyond just texting. It would keep me from building him up and creating fantasies about him in my head until we met.
Once I asked this, he got very cold. He cancelled our date and said that he wished me best of luck. I was confused and asked if I had said something wrong and he explained that he didn’t want to be put through the ringer to get a first date. I explained my reasoning for the phone call, and that I already say yes to the date, but he had already made up his mind. The crazy thing is was my reaction. I bawled my eyes out, I immediately started blaming myself for being too much, for asking too much. I wanted to take it back and to apologize and convince him to continue our conversations, and I admit I did text him afterwards to try to do just that. I see now that we just weren’t compatible- I want a man who when something bothers or does not sit right with him, he is willing to talk about it instead of immediately shutting down and getting cold. I think had we had a conversation about it, the outcome would have been different but again he had already made up his mind and it didn’t matter what I said.
My issue is this: how do I keep myself from backtracking on my needs? Throughout my previous relationships, casual or serious, I’ve always ended up either never vocalizing my needs or feeling guilty once I do and then backtracking if the guy begins to show a lack of interest as a result. Sometimes I’ve used sex as a way to maintain their interest in me. I wonder if perhaps this just shows Im not ready for dating, but I am 29 and do want a family one day so waiting to be 100% ready isn’t really an option. This situation really scared me, because I want into full panic mode as soon as I felt his change in tone. I felt like I had to fix it and that the issue was me. How do I stop doing this? Xoxo
Hi darling,
I say this kindly but you are the textbook "'Nice girl" from Sherry Argov's "Why Men Love B*tches". I could write a whole novel on how to shift your mindset from nice girl/peoplepleaser to a woman who holds her own but she already captured it perfectly.
Do yourself a favor and get that book right now, underline it, highlight it, reread it again and again until you truly understand. That book will literally be your step-by-step guide to changing your mindset & approach to dating, but also your confidence in general.
A quick summary on the differences between the two types of women...
The Nice Girl (the doormat)
- has no inner life of her own, no hobbies or passions
- no steady and healthy routine to her life
- if she does have any passions or routines, she drops them asap for any plans with a guy, without him even asking
- she's chasing instead of attracting
- she's overcompensating and people-pleasing, jumping through hoops just to "keep" a guy
- she's anxiously attached and constantly triggered, because she does not take the time to heal, do inner work or therapy
- centers her whole world around the guy(s) she's with
- she's needy & desperate, and this puts guys off
- she gives too much and too soon, and then expects the man to reciprocate and "fill her back up", and when this obviously doesn't happen she is left drained, empty and miserable!
- indulges in casual intimacy easily and quickly, which only conveys to the guys that she doesn't value herself that much
- low self worth, so she settles for anything, because she thinks breadcrumbs are better than nothing. That's because she believes that without a man, she is left with nothing, her inner life is empty and barren.
The B*tch (the dreamgirl)
- she has a vivid inner life, she is passionate about things and has a lot of hobbies
- healthy routine to her life, keeps herself busy and feeling nourished through different activities
- a man tries to make plans with her? sorry, she's busy 6 days out of 7. She only accepts meetups on days she 1) has time 2) has emotional/mental energy for it. She never cancells her own plans or routines to accomodate a man
- centers her life around HERSELF, as she should
- she's securely attached and calm, because she's done her inner work and continues to do so every day
- she attracts, she doesn't chase. and if he's not chasing, she minds her business and attracts one who does. if a guy wants to leave? she holds the door open with a smile on her face, because she knows it's only making space for better
- she doesn't people-please or try hard. she is authentic and shows up as her true self
- she would never entertain fwb/fb or casual hookups. her time is valuable as is her energy. she only engages in intimacy after a man has proven consistently that he invests in her and is there for her and values her, which only makes a man respect & value her more
- she's whole and anchored deeply in herself. she's not rushing, she's not needy. she's happy and fulfilled with herself already, because of this she's able to date from a place of balance & calm: it's a choice, not a need
- she offers a little, and only when he reciprocates does she offer more
- she will always pick her dignity over any relationship, ever. she would never settle for breadcrumbs, because if you remove the guy from her life, she's still left with abundance, self-love, success & faith that she'll find what's meant for her.
Hope this clears up where you are, and where you should be. It's okay love, we've all been there unfortunately! But it's better to learn from other women's mistakes and do better, than to keep repeating them until you're 40, 50.
In short, here's my advice:
Take a break from all things dating right now because you're in no position to date. (Having a breakdown from a guy cancelling a date? No babes, we don't do that here, you need healing right now.) Read the book asap, do some inner work, and build yourself. You need to get your head straight & confidence improved. You need to focus on building hobbies and routines that make you feel like a goddess. And then you can step back into the dating game, new and improved, with high standards, clear boundaries, and able to stand your own.
Best wishes, 💞