When asking my partner (long term) to drop old habits and love me the way I desire, how many opportunities should I give them to grow as a person?
I don't want to give up straight away but l also feel that allowing old negative behaviours to continue is counter productive to my glow up.
💕
Hi dear,
Firstly, I'm proud of you for committing to your glow up journey! 💖
This is a tricky one. Because there's a fine line between changing how someone is intrinsically, and asking them to get their % together. The two can even be mixed up by the other person, where you're asking (for years on end) to let go of a toxic habit, but they view it as an attack to their person because it's so ingrained in them.
The truth is, you can't change other people. You can't scold, chastize, persuade or pressure them into changing. And even if they do, they'll be resentful for it and switch back soon enough. The only authentic change is when the choice comes from within them, because they genuinely want to. And that happens by communicating your needs, stating your boundaries (read below for that) and leaving the topic alone. See if he improves by the end of term, and if he doesn't, leave.
But to give a clear answer, if this is indeed a long-term, committed partner that deserves your time: I would suggest up to 3 chances, and a maximum of 1 year. Yes, that's it. I think one year is more than ample time to give up gambling, drinking, or starting a fitness journey, or going to therapy to remedy some toxic behaviour, or anything else of the sort. And when that year is up and the results aren't there, actually be 100% ready to end things.
Anything beyond 1 year is just giving him a pass and enabling bad behaviour and making excuses for him. All of which are at the expense of your youth and energy and time. Not to mention, you lose their respect; you're teaching them it's okay to mistreat you and that they'll get away with anything.
I stayed 4 years too long in a committed relationship because I thought he would change toxic habits - he never did, it was just a vicious cycle of me detaching, them begging and promising to change, showing good behaviour for some months, and then falling back into old habits. There's no point for regrets, I didn't know any better.
It's part of my story and experience and I learned a lot of things from it. But don't repeat the same mistakes, or learn this lesson the hard way.
Compromise refers to finding a middle ground when it comes to preferences and trivial daily matters.
Sacrifice refers to finding a middle ground when it comes to principles, values, morals, boundaries - which, by definition, if you’re forced to change them then you’re essentially breaching your own integrity and mental health.
One day you’re visualizing your dreamlife, another day you’ll be living it. The you from that bright, amazing future? She’s you, and she’s counting on you. Don’t give up on her.
I feel that I am on the cusp of great change, but something is holding me back that I can't let go of because I don't know what it is. From since I can remember, most of my 'problems' have come from not being able to love or be loved. How do I combat this?
Hi anon,
I'm happy to hear you're ready to make a huge change in your life. Whatever your level up journey has been so far, know that I'm proud of you. Making big changes is not easy, because let's be honest, it requires a certain degree of mindfulness and owning up to where you are in life. But it's a necessity to review what is, so you can decide where you want to go from there.
From what you mentioned, there may be a lot to unpack, but the important thing is you've already made the first step - choosing to heal, to recover, to get better.
"Not being able to love or be loved" is not a light matter, and I empathize with that. There are so many reasons or causes for this, but the good news is, everything you need is at your disposal: it starts with you. It starts with shaking the dust off your inner world and stirring up any limiting or toxic beliefs. By asking yourself deep questions which delve into the core of any childhood memories, wounds, traumas or anything else.
Questions like...
When was the last time you felt really loved, really seen and appreciated?
Do you feel worthy of healthy, deep, fulfilling love? If not, then why not?
Do you find yourself unconsciously sabotaging your relationships, rocking the boat just when it gets really good? Perhaps it's your subconscious' way of finding itself in new, uncomfortable environment (that being a healthy relationship) and, in a half-panic to steer the situation into familiar grounds, it sabotages everything. At the same time, it now proves your internal/mental belief system (of not having/deserving healthy relationships) and continues to validate them in this vicious cycle. And the key to overcome any vicious cycle, is to break it. Break the patterns, shift your mindset, reprogram your belief system.
What is “familiar” for you in terms of a relationship? Is it a list of mostly negative aspects? Then it may be time that you to change your mindset about what is familiar (=safe, good) with positive aspects that actually builds a healthy relationship.
Yes, healing starts with mindfulness and self-awareness as the first step, but then you need to practice it. I'm not going to sugarcoat the journey of self love as some glamorous, cotton-candy filled process (although incorporating pink into your environment does help, not gonna lie). It’s not just fancy facemasks and treating yourself. That’s just the glamorous side.
Self love practices can be actual selfcare practices:
By taking care of yourself, day by day, you begin to see your own beauty and appreciate all that you are.
By taking the time each day to nourish your body with healthy, hearty meals that keeps you strong and vibrant with vitality; by taking the time to brush your hair, lotion your body, brush your teeth, or indulge in further skincare regimes.
By looking out for your future self by doing things you don't feel like doing but which you know will make you feel better afterwards (just getting out of bed and taking a shower, when you may be feel depressed or anxious or just drained of energy); or even just by wiping down the kitchen surfaces, putting away any household clutter, and preparing your outfit for the morning after... The you from next morning will feel so much better to wake up to a clean, tidy home and outfit ready to go, right?
All these things add up. Day by day, it builds on your bond with yourself.
It helps you find safety within, because you realize you'll always have your own back.
It helps you find peace within, because you realize everything you need is already within you, those things you're chasing, none of them are essential to inner fulfillment. That cute person thinking you’re hot? Falls short next to finding that all-encompassing relief of feeling fully comfortable in your own body.
It helps you develop trust within, as you can now trust the most important person in your life - yourself, because you're loyal and authentic to yourself and honor your boundaries, your fears, your needs. When you make sure you're priority nr. 1, you'll be at ease because you'll never have to worry about being abandoned, or not being validated or appreciated through external forces. When you take care of your needs from the getgo, you step out into the world as a whole being, and not a half missing its other half.
It helps you find love within yourself most importantly, and at long last, you'll stop chasing it everywhere outside of you, because you'll realize what you really need to fill that emptiness within, is already within you - your own acceptance, your own respect and appreciation.
Darling, you're absolutely worthy of love!
If you don't believe it, write down "I'm lovable" every day. State it out loud every morning and day and night until it's engrained in your mind.
Use all of these habits and practices to your benefit. Journaling, meditating, mindfulness. Healing selfcare practices. Selflove begins with you taking care of you. If nothing else, it begins with you saying "yes, I accept that I'm lovable and worthy of being loved in my fullness". Yes, it begins with you, but you don't have to walk this path alone. You can accept help from friends and family, from specialists, just keep in mind that your healing is your responsibility first and foremost, not anyone else's. Other people can help on this path, and you can and should let them because they love you and only want to help you. But keep in mind they, too, are responsible for their own healing and working through their challenges and limiting beliefs.
I mention this because codependency and projecting onto other people are not the foundation for a healthy relationship, on the contrary. Because by projecting onto other people in a relationship, we are essentially expecting them to fix our issues, heal our wounds, fill the emptiness in us, make everything better in our place. We put our whole life's burden onto them, and then we wonder why the relationship crashes and burns, turns toxic, or leaves us unfulfilled. Why? Because the solution is believed to be in the external world, outside ourselves, anywhere else except ourselves. Because in a world where everybody rejects accountability for their own healing, the burden falls always on "the other person", and you can see why it can turn unhealthy fast. However, in a world where we strive to take charge of our healing journey, we lay the foundations for our own healing. It begins with each of us.
Note: I'm not licensed to offer specialised advice. For that, I would heartily recommend a specialist such as a therapist. Here and now, I want to make clear that there is nothing taboo, unusual, embarrassing or strange about reaching out to therapists. In fact, I genuinely believe if everyone had a therapist, the world would 200% be a happier place, because we'd stop just bottling every damn thing inside, you know? A specialist can help with listening, with providing clarity over your whole life, with forming accountability for your own choices, and so much more. They can help realign your thought patterns, your beliefs which, as we age, get so engrained and fixed in our heads, that it gets harder (yet still possible) to budge and change.
I hope these gentle words offer some comfort, and help you in your journey of healing. Just remember, you’re not alone okay? And if anyone thinks you’re not lovable, just throw this post in their face, because if Lumen says you’re lovable then you better damn believe you’re lovable. *mic drop*
Happy Winter Solstice my dears! 🥂😘 It’s time to pull out your journals and scribble down your intentions for 2021 in the form of affirmations. Claim it as if it’s yours because it already is! 🌟🌟🌟
Preview from my lovely glow up guide. This was so much fun to write and design, in my signature aesthetic inspired by the divine feminine. 💕 Grab it for free here.
Elevating yourself isn't about buying expensive items, it doesn't mean spending a ton of money or requiring high end treatments or procedures. Those things come later, if you really want them.
Elevating yourself is about making smart choices in the improvement of your mindset, your wardrobe, your manners, your body and anything else. It's about knowing how to be financially savvy, what things to invest in, and how to find the best solution for your particular circumstances.
Just because something is popular and expensive, doesn't mean it will provide the highest ROI (return of investment). Price doesn't always correlate with quality. Instead of doing what others do, or following trends, be a smart queen and do your research to find what's best for you. The bottom line: don't go broke trying to look rich.
Be smart about your budgeting system, your investments, and focus on gradual progress in your level up journey, instead of jumping from A to Z and breaking the bank in the process. Any beginner's journey to leveling up should begin with getting your mindset right (self esteem, confidence, believing in yourself, strong mental focus, financial education, etc). I talk about this more in depth in my free glow up guide and on my blog so make sure you check them for more helpful tips.
Psst, darlings. If you’re at the beginning of your level up process and not sure where to start, and you just need some guidance and TLC? I put together a fabulous little Glow Up Guide that is easy to follow, organized and a delight to gloss through (it’s free).
Just open my blog, scroll down to the bottom and enter your email.
Voila! You should receive your free pdf guide shortly. Enjoy! 💕
Make sure to check your spam folder, and if you encounter any issues just DM me and we’ll sort that asap. Ladies, don’t forget you can drop any questions or blog article suggestion on my IG, I always love hearing from you.
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