Last year, I learned just how far I'm willing to go to achieve my dreams. I reached deep inside and found a reservoir of strength I'd never realized before - because I'd never taken such a mad leap of faith only to subsequently end up hitting rock bottom.
For a while I thought I'd never get up again. Scrambled for a leeway, a loophole, a way back up again, into the neurotypical dream of financial, physical, emotional security.
I struggled with . . . the reality of not succeeding. Not failure, because failure means you gave up and stopped trying again. And I have not and never will stop trying.
Last year, I made big mistakes. Big enough to leave me grappling with anxiety and depression, wondering if this one leap of faith has messed up whatever progress I'd made.
But you know what? With these big mistakes, I also learned . . . that it's okay to fuck up! It's a part of being an adult! Sometimes you make choices and follow paths that you do need to follow. But they'll turn into a damn mess. And that's okay, because it's a part of the process of growth! Of getting better and wiser. How else will you gain the experience?
It might seem like a hopeless dead end, or a stale impasse, or you might just find yourself sitting in your bathtub and wondering what the hell you're doing with your life. You may not see it at the time, the point of it all, a way out, how you can overcome it all. But you will. There's always a way. And one day soon you'll wake up and think back and understand and have no regrets. You made it after all. There is value in each lesson.
So what I've learned in 2017 is this: Make mistakes. Terrible, glorious mistakes. Live, be alive, make the most of it. Fight for what you want. It's all a part of growing, growing, always growing.
What last year has taught me 4/1/18 // Journaling Challenge @journaling-junkie