He communicates consistently and clearly. Replies promptly, doesn't leave you on seen, checks up on you throughout the day/week according to his schedule and in agreement with your needs as well.
He pays attention to your needs and desires and quirks, and makes your life better using said details. Ie. buys your favorite kind of flowers, makes your favorite tea in the morning, remembers your food allergies when having dinner dates, etc.
Disagreements may still appear even in health relationships, and it's ok, as communication is essentual for a healthy dynamic. However, his approach to disagreements is a secure one: each will share their perspective, and if feelings were hurt or mistakes were made, he takes accountability for his side, and makes genuine apologies followed by reparations and direct actions (ie. "I'm sorry I did x, I didn't mean to hurt you. I will be/do y in the future", and then does as he promised).
Promises are kept. His actions are in alignment with his words, and he keeps his words. If he says he'll call you after work, he does. If he says he needs to cool off during an argument and will reopen the conversation in 1h, he does indeed return in 1h to continue the topic.
If you're anxious, he will reassure you and work through it. He doesn't run away or avoid the topic (as an avoidantly attached person would).
If you come forward communicating your needs, or sharing complaints or grievances, he will hear you out and actively seek a way to improve things. He won't freak out, or get angry or run away in response to you having needs or communicating your thoughts; these are normal relationship things you're entitled to, and a securely attached man knows this.
A man that is well-rounded, with a secure attachment style, will have a rich life of his own: hobbies, interests, circles of friends, activities, etc. He will enjoy having his independence and space, and will respect your need for your own. He is not co-dependent, nor gets in the way of you having your own life outside of him. He knows having individually rich lives is important for a healthy relationship. To expand on this, he encourages you to enjoy your selfcare time, your girl's night out, or whatever other activities nourish you.
I’m 24 and never been in a relationship, just one situationship, don’t sleep around or date a whole lot...people say a lot that I’m “sheltered” or don’t get it when they talk about their relationship problems which may be true but also understand what’s going on and wouldn’t put up with the things they’re going through in the relationship (cheating, mistreatment,etc) and how it’s hard for them to leave...to me, I would rather he sheltered then put through all that? But also do have some insecurity about never having a bf and just dating in general because it scares me to be honest (growing up with narcissistic dad, my parents relationship wasn’t great) but it does bother me that they say that about me, should it?
Hi flower,
It sounds like you're too preoccupied with what other people do, say, and think about your life & your dating choices. It's your business, and nobody else's. Let it go.
1. Enjoying this "break" from dating and focus on yourself, falling in love with yourself, getting to know the real you and your needs, dreams, etc. It's ok to be sheltered. I had my first serious relationship at 22, I spent no time on dating or boys before that and I'm glad for it. Because I focused on developing as an individual and my education. People have different milestones. Some have their first relationship at 17, some at 22, some at 28. There's no rule.
2. Or if you are ready, start dating (be open to meeting people at the gym, your book club, friend of friends, dating apps etc) but do so in a smart way, with clear boundaries and standards. Personally, dating casually (zero intimacy involved, to clarify) helped me become more confident and relaxed and experienced with what I want and don't want. Plus it's also a fun way to meet new, interesting people. The opposite of dating casually is dating super intentionally where you invest a lot in each person and get attached and make up hopes and wishes - don't do that. It's draining and it will disillusion you. Dating casually means detaching a bit and just enjoying the process of knowing new people, enjoying a meal or drink; if you click, good, if not, you're still good. It's not a life-or-death scenario as when you're dating while in desperate energy.
You know your partner genuinely loves you, when they see your boundaries not as punishment but as a helpful guideline. As a way to show them how to love you right, how to love you in a healthy, sustainable way, for a long time to come.
Ladies, another essential red flag/green flag in a partner is how they speak about the women in their past.
✅ Are they still respectful, emphasizing the lessons learned, and gratitude for experiences had, even if there were differences involved? Is there still affection as is between two people that recognize the soul in one another, even if the mundane, human connection has waned?
❌ Or are they bitter and degrading, shifting all the blame to each past partner, objectifying them or calling them names?
A true gentleman knows the meaning of respect, and he will treat all those around him (not just you, initially) with equal respect. Being only nice to you and disrespectful to everyone else is not a compliment, it just means his values are eskewed, and you're going to be stuck on a hamster wheel scrambling for his constant approval, so he doesn't treat you like "the rest of the world".
Is it normal to outgrow people when you’re ”leveling up”? Because I feel like my current friendships don’t align with me anymore and at this point I’m kinda holding on just because I’ve known them forever and see them often...
And if this is normal how could I distance myself from them without causing any drama? Thank you!
Hi love,
The answer is yes! It’s completely normal to outgrow people when you’re improving every aspect of your life.
The truth is, you cannot holistically level up, if something as foundational as your circle of friends or acquaintances is a group of people that are scarcity-oriented, bitter and unsupportive. They will inevitably only bring you down and hold you back from evolving, instead of the opposite - lifting you up as any friends should!
I know because I struggled with this for many years. I was stuck in an environment that had this exact effect on me. Because things were complicated at the time, I had no choice but be exposed to such groups of people, and I thought that by pure will or self discipline I could minimize or alter the effects it had on me. And it was a fool's errand, because you can’t! We’re human, and our peers are inevitably the most influential on our wellbeing, daily habits and success.
Change your environment, and your mindset will follow along.
Remember when some while back I wrote that you cannot bloom in a toxic soil? That’s it. You need a healthy, fruitful foundation in order to really start thriving and blooming, and part of that healthy foundation is having people around you that at least have a neutral, if not positive effect. Otherwise, it’s like trying to climb a mountain while carrying the unnecessary baggage of “doubt, judgement, evil eye, misunderstanding” and whatever else results from having the wrong people around you. Why fight against gravity, when you could just let go of the unnecessary baggage?
It’s okay to ougrow people. Nobody says you have to be indiscreet and just cut people off. You can part ways in a classy and diplomatic way where everybody is all the better for it. You, because you’ve made more space in your life for equal-minded people who are ambitious, open minded, with a growth/abundance mindset, eager to become a better person and happy to support those around you, your loved ones doing the same. And the people you leave behind, with values that don’t match yours, will likewise be better off because they can find more people that align with their views. It’s a win-win situation.
By staying in the wrong circles, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
It’s the same with staying in an unhappy relationship where you don’t feel seen, or even worse, is a toxic one. By staying in it, you’re not giving yourself the opportunity of actually finding the right one, the healthy one, one that makes you actually happy.
When you let go of the old, you’re creating space to let in the new. It’s a universal law.
Darling, I know this step can be hard — letting go of people. But you should be honest with yourself and ask, are these people really your friends? Do you feel supported, seen, loved, understood? Do they bring light into your life? Or is it just an “acquaintanceship”, where they use you for their benefit, or you hang out simply out of habit because you see each other every day (circumstantial)? Outside of those circumstances, does the connection actually hold up? Only you can decide, but once you do, let your life goals reflect your friendships as well.
As for your last question, you can move on in an elegant way, and it depends on you entirely how you go about it. For easily triggered people, you can be diplomatic by saying you’re busy and have a lot of tasks/projects going on. For the rest, you can be honest and say you want to focus on improving yourself so you have other priorities right now — and they can either join you on the journey, or you can gently part ways.
Divine love, unconditional love, pure love, faithful love, compassionate love, supportive love, healing love, spiritual love, Sunday morning peace kind of love. You are worthy of the best love you can imagine. If you can give it, you can receive it. If you feel it, others feel it too. If it exists in your heart, it will exist in others too, so don’t ever settle for less.
Love is stored in the small things. In a loaf of bread freshly baked by a friend, still warm and crunchy between your fingertips. In a cup of tea brewed for a family member exactly as they like it. In running errands that you know makes your beloved’s life easier because it frees them of yet another burden. Love is stored in all the small gestures that show you appreciate those around you by honoring their love language.
Don’t waste your precious energy on people who ask that you keep proving your worth again and again, and never apreciate your efforts. Surround yourself with people and environments that nourish and uplift you. Surround yourself with everything that is conducive to your overall happiness, health and growth.
January: Day 17
Do you believe in soulmates? Describe your ideal partner. What does he/she/they look like? What is their personality like, what are their best qualities? What sets their heart on fire, what are they passionate about? Their hobbies and pastimes? Weird quirks or habits? Are they ambitious, career-driven, or a gentle homebody? How tall or short are they? What colour is their skin, hair or eyes? What is their sun sign? Describe anything and everything you can think of. Imagine going on a coffee date - the first one - with your ideal partner, visualise it, feel how wonderful it is to be together with someone who understands you on a soul level, speaks your love language and knows just how to make you feel cherished, supported and loved.
You attract what you focus over. It’s so easy to underestimate this fact, but in truth if you stop exposing yourself to certain energies, behaviors, kinds of people, you think about them less and less. Expose yourself to healthy energy that only boosts your overall growth. Be ruthless about what you surround yourself with, with time it starts defining your mindset.
Your Toxic vs. Healing Relationship post is very thought provoking and profound. I'm taken aback by how accurately you have written your post. You are the product of deep reflection and observation, which in this day is a rarity. Never stop writing and always continue on, your words are beautiful, honest, and helpful. Thank you, xo.
You are so beautiful. Thank you for seeing me.
That article was very close to home for me, but some things I feel are better when shared, so that others in the same circumstances may no longer feel alone; moreso, so they realize that it can get better. I promise.
Make yourself whole and so full of self-love that any new person stepping into your sacred circle is not there to fill the emptiness of it, but to be an addition to its wholeness. It is the way to begin a relationship from a standpoint of independence and power, because you’ve already set a standard for yourself and make it all the easier for yourself to walk away from people who don’t meet that standard because you no longer need them to fill any void within.
A lover says to another lover, you'll always have a home with me. I think that's the best definition for love and friendship. People that become like a home, a place you can return to and feel safe in, a place you feel you always belong in.
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