Loving the girly pink vibe on my insta 🎀
you don't owe the world perfect, you owe the world your authentic self.
Anonymous asked:
Hey I looooove your blog and was wondering if you could give me some tough love right now. I would love to hear your thoughts on my situation.
I’m 29 and I’ve been single for almost 6 years. My only two relationships were pretty unhealthy (one was physically abusive and the other had me bending over backwards to keep him interested in the relationship). For years since my last relationship, I’ve been riding a long wave of casual sex and one night stands. I stopped this recently as I realized that I was using casual sex as a coping mechanism to deal with loneliness and rejection, and often times found myself in situations where I was putting the man’s needs above mine so that I wouldn’t go through the process of getting rejected for having boundaries and standards. In other words, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to convince and beg guys that I was worth it. I have done therapy to deal with this.
Recently, I started online dating again with the intention of finding a genuine long-term connection and promised myself that I wouldn’t have sex until I was in a relationship. I matched with this guy and we talked for about a week. In all honesty, it was probably one of the best dating app conversations I’ve had - there were genuine questions, conversations that went beyond surface level, and great banter. He asked me out and we made plans for the following week. While we continued to talk, I could feel myself getting nervous and starting to put him on a pedestal. To ground myself, I asked if he would like to talk on the phone. I thought this would be a great idea because it would make me less nervous about meeting him in person and would give me a chance to see how he really is beyond just texting. It would keep me from building him up and creating fantasies about him in my head until we met.
Once I asked this, he got very cold. He cancelled our date and said that he wished me best of luck. I was confused and asked if I had said something wrong and he explained that he didn’t want to be put through the ringer to get a first date. I explained my reasoning for the phone call, and that I already say yes to the date, but he had already made up his mind. The crazy thing is was my reaction. I bawled my eyes out, I immediately started blaming myself for being too much, for asking too much. I wanted to take it back and to apologize and convince him to continue our conversations, and I admit I did text him afterwards to try to do just that. I see now that we just weren’t compatible- I want a man who when something bothers or does not sit right with him, he is willing to talk about it instead of immediately shutting down and getting cold. I think had we had a conversation about it, the outcome would have been different but again he had already made up his mind and it didn’t matter what I said.
My issue is this: how do I keep myself from backtracking on my needs? Throughout my previous relationships, casual or serious, I’ve always ended up either never vocalizing my needs or feeling guilty once I do and then backtracking if the guy begins to show a lack of interest as a result. Sometimes I’ve used sex as a way to maintain their interest in me. I wonder if perhaps this just shows Im not ready for dating, but I am 29 and do want a family one day so waiting to be 100% ready isn’t really an option. This situation really scared me, because I want into full panic mode as soon as I felt his change in tone. I felt like I had to fix it and that the issue was me. How do I stop doing this? Xoxo
Hi darling,
I say this kindly but you are the textbook "'Nice girl" from Sherry Argov's "Why Men Love B*tches". I could write a whole novel on how to shift your mindset from nice girl/peoplepleaser to a woman who holds her own but she already captured it perfectly.
Do yourself a favor and get that book right now, underline it, highlight it, reread it again and again until you truly understand. That book will literally be your step-by-step guide to changing your mindset & approach to dating, but also your confidence in general.
A quick summary on the differences between the two types of women...
The Nice Girl (the doormat)
- has no inner life of her own, no hobbies or passions
- no steady and healthy routine to her life
- if she does have any passions or routines, she drops them asap for any plans with a guy, without him even asking
- she's chasing instead of attracting
- she's overcompensating and people-pleasing, jumping through hoops just to "keep" a guy
- she's anxiously attached and constantly triggered, because she does not take the time to heal, do inner work or therapy
- centers her whole world around the guy(s) she's with
- she's needy & desperate, and this puts guys off
- she gives too much and too soon, and then expects the man to reciprocate and "fill her back up", and when this obviously doesn't happen she is left drained, empty and miserable!
- indulges in casual intimacy easily and quickly, which only conveys to the guys that she doesn't value herself that much
- low self worth, so she settles for anything, because she thinks breadcrumbs are better than nothing. That's because she believes that without a man, she is left with nothing, her inner life is empty and barren.
The B*tch (the dreamgirl)
- she has a vivid inner life, she is passionate about things and has a lot of hobbies
- healthy routine to her life, keeps herself busy and feeling nourished through different activities
- a man tries to make plans with her? sorry, she's busy 6 days out of 7. She only accepts meetups on days she 1) has time 2) has emotional/mental energy for it. She never cancells her own plans or routines to accomodate a man
- centers her life around HERSELF, as she should
- she's securely attached and calm, because she's done her inner work and continues to do so every day
- she attracts, she doesn't chase. and if he's not chasing, she minds her business and attracts one who does. if a guy wants to leave? she holds the door open with a smile on her face, because she knows it's only making space for better
- she doesn't people-please or try hard. she is authentic and shows up as her true self
- she would never entertain fwb/fb or casual hookups. her time is valuable as is her energy. she only engages in intimacy after a man has proven consistently that he invests in her and is there for her and values her, which only makes a man respect & value her more
- she's whole and anchored deeply in herself. she's not rushing, she's not needy. she's happy and fulfilled with herself already, because of this she's able to date from a place of balance & calm: it's a choice, not a need
- she offers a little, and only when he reciprocates does she offer more
- she will always pick her dignity over any relationship, ever. she would never settle for breadcrumbs, because if you remove the guy from her life, she's still left with abundance, self-love, success & faith that she'll find what's meant for her.
Hope this clears up where you are, and where you should be. It's okay love, we've all been there unfortunately! But it's better to learn from other women's mistakes and do better, than to keep repeating them until you're 40, 50.
In short, here's my advice:
Take a break from all things dating right now because you're in no position to date. (Having a breakdown from a guy cancelling a date? No babes, we don't do that here, you need healing right now.) Read the book asap, do some inner work, and build yourself. You need to get your head straight & confidence improved. You need to focus on building hobbies and routines that make you feel like a goddess. And then you can step back into the dating game, new and improved, with high standards, clear boundaries, and able to stand your own.
Best wishes, 💞
-L.
I thought I’d share my latest habits so that it may hopefully inspire others as well.
Starting with the Scorpio Full Moon from 15/05/2022, I decided to challenge myself every day with new habits and routines that propell me in the direction of my goals, but also improve my wellbeing and mental health (we’re all about the holistic glow up here, ladies).
1. Matcha latte
I started drinking matcha daily, along with lemon water. I already drink black tea for the energy kick (or green if I don’t need extra energy) every morning instead of coffee, along with a glass of water. I tried matcha latte after being curiously spurred by all that girl reels on IG and honestly, I fell in love with it. I don’t resonate with running with the crowd for trends, but matcha is a good one. It has amazing benefits for your health, tastes great, and it’s also green.
2. Daily greens
Adding a big, nutritious salad to my lunch every day. Packed with goodies and topped with my favorite dressing: tahini + lemon. If you haven’t tried this combo, and want to incorporate more salads into your diet, you should definitely give it a taste.
3. Going to the gym with a trainer
Hiring a personal trainer and going to the gym 2-3 times a week has been a longtime aspiration of mine.
I have wanted to make going to the gym part of my lifestyle for a few years now, but after several failed attempts, I realized it had to be my way in order to be sustainable long term. I have high standards and expect quality for any service I go for, and as such have not been satisfied with the trainers I’ve worked with in the past (I can write a separate post on that if anyone is interested). Even so, I refused to give up!
I kept switching trainers until I finally found the perfect one for me, and I’m so happy I did. I know myself well enough that I do need a mentor to guide me. Worrying about researching posture, anatomy, movements, what to eat or how to formulate my workout plan, was not the way to go for me. I prefer an expert to do it for me, and all I have to do is show up and get the exercises done, so I can spend the rest of my time & energy on my other goals. Besides, having a mentor waiting for you at the gym, who motivates and uplifts you, makes a huge difference in creating consistency & good habits when you’re right at the beginning!
4. Jogging, long walks
Doing cardio (jogging, jump rope, long walks) at least once a week. I have found that cardio, particularly jogging, does wonders for my body and my mental health. It boosts mental clarity, alleviates anxiety, clears my head. That boost of endorphins is better than anything you can do in the four walls of the house, there’s only so much you can journal, blog or paint your way out of negative thought patterns.
I’m a nocturnal animal, so I knew that integrating jogging into my routine would not be sustainable long-term if I forced myself to do it in the morning. (Scheduling it for the evening when I don’t need to slather myself in SPF50 is also an appreciated perk.)
I’ve also been making it a focus to add yoga and stretching into my routine – daily if possible, but especially after strenuous workouts.
5. Leveling up my skincare
Using sunscreen, Vitamin C serum and retinol in my skincare regimen consistently. Vitamin C is a new one, but I’m enjoying La Roche Posay’s Vit C10 serum so far, after seeing it recommended by every dermatologist on Youtube.
6. More homemade food
Less takeout, more homemade food. Cooking is not a favorite pastime, but I love wholesome, home-cooked food made with love – it does have a different energy than when you just order in. I’ve been enjoying baking bread, looking up vegan recipes and just creating meals from scratch.
7. Rescheduling negative thoughts
Any negative thoughts after 9 PM are postponed until next day. No use stressing over things you can’t do anything about, and which may be caused simply by fatigue! All you need is some chamomille tea, a hot shower, and a good night sleep. Tackle tomorrow’s worries tomorrow.
I love savoring my morning routine slowly like a delicious cappuccino. I love applying my luxurious serums and perfecting my little skincare rituals. I love wearing silky robes around the house daily. I love growing my rosegold jewelry collection. I love going on evening jogs and then enjoying a cool shower, purifying sheet mask and my chamomille tea as I curl up on the couch with a good book.
I love spoiling myself, celebrating myself, reconnecting with myself again and again. It's so healing to love the little moments of your daily life. The more present and grateful you are in the moment, the more you can savour all the flavours life has to offer.
The kind of woman who lists everything her best self would do and then literally just going out and doing them >>>
What's stopping you from becoming the woman of your dreams? The It Girl, that girl, your own dreamgirl? All of those excuses that just went through your head right now, darling why do you cling to them? Does the idea of finally embodying your highest self terrify you so much, and if so why? She should divinely inspire you. She's unstoppable, she's anything you want her to be. Let her out. Embody her, manifest her. She is ready. You are ready.
How to become a dreamgirl: step one, realize that you can never definitively embody a man's dreamgirl vision, since all ideas are abstract and as such can change overnight or even from minute to minute. It's the same fool's errand as chasing a beauty ideal which is artificial and conceptual and can never be actually achieved. Instead, adopt a high value mindset by becoming your own dreamgirl. You make the rules, you're building your authentic persona and you get to continuously become your best self. Nobody can tell you that you're doing "you" wrong.