Lumen 🌸 The glow up queen

Hi anon,

Sure! I actually do enjoy having a cozy show at every point in my life that I can just re-watch or switch to. I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind rewatching finished shows. If I like it, I'll keep coming back to it. My favorites (they're all cozy, casual watches):

As for comfort food, it depends. I hyperfixate on a recipe, eat it every day for a month, and then forget about it for a year. 😹 Generally I value how the food makes me feel over how it tastes, so I enjoy healthy, high-protein recipes most. A few favorites:

Hi flower,

This is a textbook toxic relationship. Inconsistent behavior, love bombing, hot and cold, actions don't align with words, the list goes on. Another big reason such relationships are so damaging is because they mess up your brain chemistry. You literally become chemically addicted to the rollercoaster of it, and are not actually thinking clearly. When it's bad, the adrenaline and stress hormones flood you, but when it gets good again, the relief and happy chemicals flood your brain and you're addicted to getting that next fix. It's a constant loop. That's also why no contact is important, to break the loop.

That being said, it's normal that you're in shambles right now. Your nervous system is dysregulated. Your mind and body is a mess, your confidence is affected, and it's okay.

In my opinion, you should absolutely not be dating right now. You're in no mental or physical state to date around. You're not in a balanced, secure state, and as such you'll inevitably make decisions coming from vulnerability, from survival mode, from a desperate need-based mindset, and a dysregulated nervous system which is just looking for relief anywhere it gets. It's grounds to get exploited by the wrong people and a whole load of other messy situations that do not benefit you.

Sit yourself down and just focus on yourself. Breathe. Meditate. Journal and pray. Go to the gym, go for a run. Remember the things that bring you joy and peace, and focus on them. Slowly, you'll return back to yourself. And when your nervous sytem feels calm again, and you're paying attention to the glimmers around you, life feels lighter and you breathe in ease again, then, you might be ready to date again.

PS: For all the ladies out there, please listen to me when I say situationships are a scam. Unless you're the kind of person who can stay 100% detached with multiple partners for a long term, stay far away as possible from them. Men reap all the benefits, meanwhile you reap none (or a very shallow, temporary one) yet take all the risks. You're doing yourself a disservice and it's only in the detriment of your mental & emotional wellbeing, not to mention spiritual. All those people you give access to your energy and viceversa.... so if you play around with a lot of lazy, directionless, depressed people, you're literally absorbing all that energy into your own.

Be more discerning and selective, your feminine energy is so incredibly powerful and sacred, and should be treated as such.

Much love,

Dear anon,

I’m not sure why, but your story reminds me of someone I once knew.

It seems like a long time has passed and you still haven’t moved on. Normally I would advise people to do their best to move on, but in your case maybe what you need in order to get closure, is just talk to your ex.

Pick up the phone and call them. We’re literally just human beings on a swirling planet in space. Nothing’s that deep, and yet, everything really is that deep, so it’s worth fighting for if it's keeping you up at night. Take them off the pedestal and treat them like a person.

This was once your person, who you spent nights on end sleeping skin to skin with, who you shared homecooked meals and belly-aching laughter with. You once shared everything with them. You deserve to get answers to your questions. Call them and get your closure.

You seem to be assuming they won’t even answer... but at least give yourself the chance to try. You owe yourself that much.

I’m rooting for you, anon.

All these things combined will elevate your health, looks and confidence more than just some random yet expensive changes up front that won't impact your life as much (ie. buying a luxury item you don't need, paying $1,000 for a course on manners and etiquette, etc. Start with the foundation and then work your way up the pyramid of leveling up, instead of the other way around).

Embrace your femininity, use it as leverage in life, take advantage of pretty privilege to the max. Whether you believe in pretty privilege or not, it exists, and not taking advantage of that will do your potential a disservice. Being easy on the eyes, having magnetic energy, knowing how to receive abundance are all incredible tactics that will open doors for you. You don’t have to do things the hard way, so why force yourself to? You can be sure that men leverage their strengths with no shame or qualms, so neither should you.

I don't dabble with political discourse. If you're looking for political advice, I recommend a dedicated platform that will best suit your needs.

This is my personal platform where my aim is to inspire and uplift women, and offer a safe space for them. I'm one individual, not a multinational business company with a multi-billion dollar marketing team that handles all such questions.

The things that I believe in and stand up for, I will naturally share because I choose to. Not because I have to for performative reasons, or because my audience expects it of me.

In this era of 24/7-non-stop-access to the internet, people forget that you don't need to be plugged in at all times, you don't need to be exposed to all the stressful, potentially negative or even toxic news that are unfolding in the entire world. You can't control absolutely everything. It's not humane, and it's not humanely possible to absorb all that information (and emotion) on a daily basis without it affecting your mental health. Sure you can do your part, but there's only so much you can do.

Which brings me back to my main point: this is my safe space, so I share things that help me or my readers.

Much love,

Take the dried flowers of their last bouquet, light a bonfire and watch it burn to ashes.

Hi darling,

I'm sorry you're going through such a challenging time. 🥺 I'd love to offer a more dedicated list of recommendations, it would help if you shared more context into your current situation, or insight into why you're feeling this way.

Feel free to leave another anon message, or DM me.

Or if you feel like just venting and sharing your 2 AM thoughts that's okay too, you can do so by dropping me an email at lumen[AT]sklumen.com for more lengthy replies. There's zero judgement in my inbox. I love checking in with my newsletter members as they ask for advice via email, as it feels more intimate and like a safe space, like sending letters to an old friend across the world.

Much love,

This is the first & last time I'll answer an ask that contains such language. But for your benefit (and not only) let me say this once and for all:

Absolutely not, pass. He's bored. Low level effort. Wishy-washy, has no idea what he wants, just hungry for validation. In conclusion, low value man.

Do yourself a favor and stop psychoanalizing this nonsense!! Please date a proper man, your future self will thank you for it. The past is the past, move on.

(some additional tough love in the tags since some of you clearly need it)

Hi flower,

I understand what you're going through. This year I also went through a break up. The truth is, some days are better, others are worse. But with time, it does get better. It's important to remember that relationships don't define you, your experiences don't define you. You define yourself.

Right now your sense of self and confidence is impacted because you probably tied those things too much to the other person.

My suggestion is to put yourself out there and focus on yourself. Go to the gym, try a new hobby, join a book club. Work on yourself, stay busy! Keep therapy up, it will do you good.

I have more tips on how to heal from a breakup here: https://sklumen.com/blog/how-to-get-over-a-break-up-a-guide-for-healing/

Before you know it, time will pass, and inevitably you will refind yourself again and your heart will heal. Just keep going. ❤️‍🩹 🤗

Much love,

Hi darling,

Choosing a job is something that is very subjective, and relative to each person. It depends on your personal interests, your personality, your strengths. I would suggest to think of what your ideal life would look like, and reverse-engineer job opportunities from that scenario!

Hope this helps, and best of luck to you! 🙏

-Lumen

Darling,

You don't ask people to respect your boundaries.

You assert your boundaries.

I would add that a significant other doesn't bully you. They might tease once, but when you bring up the issue, they fix their behaviour because surprise, they actually care about you. You don't bully people you love.

Hope this helps,

Hi flower,

This is a classic case of anxious attachment and overthinking. Please step back and give yourself time to recharge, focus on your own hobbies, habits, selfcare, routines, etc. Stop centering men in the universe of your life. You should be the center. Pour into your own self and detach from all this nitpicking in dating.

Dating is not supposed to be complicated and hard. It doesn't require you to be an FBI agent investigating and psychoanalyzing a guy's every move and word.

How a guy makes you feel says everything about his intentions and feelings. If you're confused and anxious most often than not, it's because he's not serious about you. He's undecided, he's immature, etc etc.

You'll know you're with a high quality man when you feel safe, secure, relaxed and unbothered. Things will just flow effortlessly and it will feel right and natural.

So in conclusion, stop overthinking everything. Be your authentic self and if things don't work out, it was never meant for you anyway. Easy as that. Your soulmate will never require you to bend over backwards and jump through hoops and pretend to be something you're not.

Hi darling,

From your words it seems you have already made the firm decision to end the friendship. The only thing left is to actually communicate how you feel!

Depending on what you're comfortable with, you can either text her this or meet up with her to tell her in person. Just be honest and open about your feelings, while also being empathic and emphasizing that you care about her but your interests, values and goals no longer align! And as such, you think it would be best to part ways. And that is 100% valid and mature thing to do. You can't force relationships or friendships.

I think centering your life around men and dating is a phase in life that a lot of people forget to evolve past. It's about being so hungry for validation, usually associated with anxious attachment, and a fear of facing yourself and just sitting with your own presence in silence. Feeling a void within that you keep filling with nonsensical dating drama and nothing else. Thing is, you can't force people to evolve/shift out of this mindset, they have to make the choice themselves. And it's valid to not want to wait around forever until they do.

Storytime.... I also had a similar situation where I realized a friend of mine was centering her life around men 100% of the time. Although I empathized with her reasoning, I tried to change to more topics or deepen the friendship, but in vain. Every conversation was about men, dating, stories of exes, etc. I gave her credit of the doubt, but after half a year of the same stories, it was too much. It's both exhausting and limiting to have a friendship where everything is about dating. What about career, personal growth, goals in life, spirituality etc? As a consequence of this (and other toxic aspects) we are no longer friends, and I have since formed so much more fulfilling, wholesome and genuine friendships.

Hope this helps. 🕊

Hi girlie,

I've been in a similar situation and there's only one solution: move out.

This isn't a true friend, this is a toxic roommate that is negatively affecting your life no matter what you'll do. There's nothing to "fix" at this point.

Communication isn't going to change the fact that you have 1) different values 2) different goals 3) she doesn't respect your boundaries (ie. your room or your no-alcohol rule) 4) she doesn't respect you, period. No amount of negotiation or people-pleasing her (which you are doing) will change that she doesn't actually respect you. She literally insults you at every occasion (and even wants to date your exes, which is an absolute no-no in girlcode).

This is not what friendship looks like, I assure you. Friends uplift and support each other. They respect boundaries. They compliment and reassure each other. And they also understand absolute basic things like financial constraints or messy schedules.

I usually recommend communication, but in this case it's best to make a plan and move out. If your relationship is going great, move in with your partner. If not, try to search for a different place and roommate. Otherwise, as long as you're there you'll be stuck in the same toxic environment full of resentment and disrespect.

Hi angel,

I'll be honest. It sounds like he doesn't want to marry you.

A man that truly loves you, will take accountability and be a responsible man and partner, and will ask you to marry him, even if he doesn't have an interest in marriage! Because his love for you is more important than his "neutrality in marital values". And this isn't some idealistic thinking, I've seen and heard countless men confirm this is what they would do for the woman they love (their dreamgirl).

The only kind of man that would say "Fine, I'll marry you if that's what you want" is someone who doesn't want to, and will most likely resent you for "inprisoning" him, because that's how it translates in their mind.

I understand if you love this person, but please believe me when I say you deserve better. It is literally the bare minimum to want a partner that also wants to be with you. Someone that genuinely loves you would understand how important marriage is to you and wouldn't think twice of doing whatever makes you happy, and making you an honest woman.

It's really that simple.