nerd-inary disaster

Title: The Gift

Ship: Haarlep/Raphael

Summary: 'The incubus, somewhat impatient, tried to reach out with their magic, to understand their master's desires and finally have their hunger sated, but Raphael blocked them out with a hiss.

"Don't”, he said curtly, “No magic until the contract is binding.” The incubus whimpered involuntarily. 'I’ll starve to death before he's even gotten it up', they thought.

“As you wish, my lord”, they said instead.'

Or: Haarlep's first month in Raphael's service, now with sass, trauma bonding and tantric massages.

Rated E

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/59881402

I've reached that point in the writting process where you get unreasonably hung up on a minor detail instead of finishing the fic so for fucks sake please help me settle this.

So, the question at hand: What is Raphael's rank? The only thing we get in canon is that he is not the Archduke (that's Zariel's job). And, like, there's no right or wrong answers here but I am trying to decide if he'll be addressed as "my lord" or "your grace" in the fic and I'm the kind of nerd who really cares about the difference 😂.

Before starting to overthink this, I'd always assumed he was a duke but... let's just say I've seen where he lives and I don't think it's necessarily giving higher nobility. But then again, it's Avernus, who am I to judge.

Hot take: Haarlep gives amazing tantra massages and that's the most therapy Raphael ever got in his life (it wasn't enough)

Play as Astarion, they said. It will be fun, they said.

It's not fun. It's really fucking sad because now Astarion started dating Karlach and I can't stop thinking about a) how hurt she'd be if she'd knew that rn Astarion is only telling her what she wants to hear so she'll protect him, and b) the fact that Karlach is such a jackpot for Astarion because she's big and strong and desperate for connection and to sweeten the deal she refuses to touch him due to burn risk.

Protection and loyalty and all it cost was a peck on the lips and some dirty talk? That's almost too good to be true.

to fill the Bg3 filled hole in my heart I started an origin character playthrough as Astarion and the second I had him talk to Shadowheart she just read him to filth. "You seem needy and like you're used to follow orders" girl excuse me I came here to seduce you for protection

Me: I'm very normal about finishing BG3

Also me: MY TAV HAS MANY HOMES AND ONE IS IN A TREEHOUSE BECAUSE BOTH OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS STILL LOVE THEM AND HALSIN IS A DAD NOW THIS IS THE CLOSEST TO HEALING THIS LIL TWINK I'VE PLAYED FOR 200 HOURS HAS EVER BEEN IN THEIR LIVE

i see your "'does he want to lick my boots or chop off my hands' is a Nicki reference" and raise you "what if Armand's relationship with sex is so fucked that his two modi are total submission and 'don't touch me or I'll chop off your hands' and Louis is still clowning on his trauma" in this essay I will

can't believe that not only have I started writing fanfiction about Haarlep but to top it all off it's not even smut but elaborate musings on incubus ethics with a sprinkle of trauma for everyone involved

The house of hope quest should come with a massive trigger warning but once I got passed the noncon of it all, the whole idea that Haarlep doesn't just steal your face but has to transform into your body proper, particularities and all, became so hillarious to me. I'm an ace with a body that's really hard to arouse. Also I have chronic pain and dyspraxia. Good fucking luck with that Haarlep. They'd be back three nights later complaining that the body I gave them isn't working properly, asking for a refund lol.

For your consideration: grey ace Vox who has never felt sexual attraction before meeting Valentino. Part of the reason he keeps coming back to Val despite the toxicity of it all is that the rush of attraction is so addicting and Val knows exactly how to manipulate Vox's internalised acephobia to get him back. And then he meets Alastor and oh yes there's that sexual attraction again, Val is no longer the only one who can make him feel like that. And then Alastor rejects him. The rest is history.

one of the many things that keep me awake at night re: ofmd S2 is that us Izzy people have long argued that his hostility towards Lucius in s1 could be very much read as "your softness has no place in a world like this, you're going to get in serious trouble if you don't change, on any other ship you'd be fucked, I've learned this the hard way why are you being so stupid" and back in S1 none of us expected that to actually become a plot point and then S2 came around and slapped us over the head with "the second Lucius leaves the Revenge he goes through absolute trauma city and when he rejoins the crew, he is bitter and angry and hardened just like Izzy was in S1" and... like... I just want to lock them in a room and make them talk through their trauma ok

Riddler is both an annoying menace who is a danger to himself and others (but mostly himself) AND a pathetic traumatized twink who gets bitch slapped every other issue. In this essay I will

Riddles & Lies

Summary: It's Eddie's first stay in Arkham and they sorely need a protector.

Rated M for sexual content and consent issues.

Click here for full fic

@tauremornalome tagged me in smth so I have risen from the dead.

The rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line.

To make this easier I'll go for last 20 published fics rather than overall written stories, otherwise I'd instantly loose track.

Counting backwards:

20. Lesser Passions

The huge fur coat should have looked ridiculous, really, but on Elias, wrapped tightly around his bony shoulder, it regained an almost redeeming, old-fashioned charm.

19. Unfavourable

His leg was almost completely healed when they brought him into Wilde's make-shift office and the muzzle had been removed, for now.

18. Linguistics

Carter wasn't sure how it had started.

17. Kiss and Tell

“He doesn’t kiss me when he’s sober."

16. Not very sensible either

Peter paused in the doorway to his old childhood room.

15. Bedtime Brew

Peter poked his head out from the kitchen.

14. Sky High

Peter was 14 years old when Conrad got married.

13. Sleeping Beauty

Elias had once read an article about a woman with narcolepsy

12. Hurts so good

Martin almost dropped the kettle when Peter materialized before him.

11. Family Values

They made port around 7pm.

10. The Vessel

Martin stared at Peter, waiting for the punch-line.

9. Thee Kisses

“Just ask him out already.”

8. All alone and a-lowly

Peter wasn’t too thrilled at the prospect of having to play messenger.

7. Happy all the Time

His brain had always been a little glitchy and oh that’s just funny, isn’t it?

6. And all is well

“I need some fresh air.

5. Changing Tides

Oswald had been one of the first rogues to take him seriously and they had soon evolved from lucrative business partners to actual friends.

4. Indebted

Christopher Drawlight was not a particularly well liked man.

3. Kindness Repaid

There was something fascinating in watching Jonathan eat.

2. House Call

Don’t you fret

My little pet

We’re off to see the doctor

And if this doctor isn’t in

We’ll have to find another.

1. Arts and Crafts

Edward did not stare at the green crayons and didn’t have the urge to take one of them either.

Observations

Well the pattern certainly is that I apparently have a tendency to start with a characters first name (11/20, damn). I also have a thing for jumping into stories during the middle of a conversation or similar in media res shenanigans, which is less surprising.

Faverouite line... oh this is hard. I suppose it’s from The Vessel aka The Platonic Fear Orgy (“Martin stared at Peter, waiting for the punch-line”). I like the way it throws you right into the conversation without knowing what exactly has been said but understanding fully how exasperated Martin feels. Which is your faverouite, squad? (Also wtf is up with this new tumblr design, I’ve only been gone for a year or so when did this happen? lol)

Anyway, tagging whoever is still following me despite the fact that i’m mostly awol atm. Hit me with those opening lines y’all.