It absolutely kills me to think of this, but now that it’s taken root, it will not leave: I believe that there was a true gentleness Holland. One that he could never act on, indulge in, and one that was foreign even to himself.
Because why are you, in death, seeing your attempted murderers on the other side, and hoping that they are truly there? He doesn’t see them like that, no, he sees his brother and his lover, and although I doubt he truly forgave them, it’s clear he understands them. He regrets killing them. But he lives a life of necessity and knows what desperation does to a person. All he wanted was that mundane life, one as a younger brother, as a husband. Even taking his role as knight was a step toward the simple life he wanted. He never wanted for power, to be king. And he knew that magic was at the root of all of it. They would not have tried to carve his heart out of his chest if they were not suffering for more, if he were not a blessed man. If those damned doors weren’t shut and White London left to die.
And so of course he wants them waiting on the other side, because he knew and loved them for who they were, and not what desperation made them into. What circumstance made them into. Because he certainly becomes familiar with circumstance making a reluctant monster of someone; the Danes made sure of that.
It’s also interesting to compare the gentleness of all three Antari. There’s not a gentle bone in Lila, Kell is, almost painfully so at times, and Holland had some even though everyone tried to rip it from him. You don’t keep count and memorize the face of every person you killed if you’re not. Lila is a great example of that. And you don’t believe in a someday king and do everything you can to save your world without it.
There were just so many moments were he could have become a truly vile person and he just didn’t. Why? There probably a lot of reasons that had more weight, but I think gentleness might have to do with it.