I promise you that there is no way that your life would be better with someone who doesn’t want to be in it.
Trying a new thing for February, self reflection journal prompts!
Here’s my answer to: am I willing to trust the timing of my life?
Are you willing to trust the timing of your life?
(Just realised I got the year wrong 😭 I’m still living in the past lmaoo)
I wish that I could leave the past tucked in the corner of my mind in its box, undisturbed.
But I can’t.
Instead the past is a door left half open, a knot tied not quite tight enough, constantly coming undone.
It is memories coming back to me that I thought I had forgotten, that I desperately tried to scrub away from the deepest corners of my mind.
It is walking through the streets we once walked through together and remembering it all as nostalgia washes over me, flooding my thoughts with you.
The past isn’t gone in my mind, instead it is a visitor who has made itself too welcome in my head, no matter how many times I hint that I am tired, that it is time to go.
when he left me i was heartbroken. i howled to the moon every night begging for him to come back. he didn’t. we talked about it six months later. i could say i was bitter or hurt or happy or healing but the truth was that i was still in love. he told me it took him several months to stop loving me. that he still loved me when he left despite telling me otherwise. i was outraged and heartbroken all over again. why would he leave me if he loved me? i couldn’t wrap my head around it. why did he put us both through the heartbreak? why why why and not a single answer in sight. it wasn’t until a year of us not being together had passed and i realised that he’d made the right decision leaving. i had taken steps i was too lazy to take before to improve my life, i had to, the break up felt like it could’ve killed me if i didn’t change. i now realise that leaving can be an act of love too. he knew we both deserved more, so he made the difficult decision to leave, despite how hard i made it for him. so if this ever comes back to you, i’m not angry anymore, i’m just sorry we weren’t meant to be forever. but i’m glad our paths crossed. i’ll be forever grateful for that. i’ll be forever grateful for you.
i love you still, but not in the same way - i hope you’re happy now.
if my first love had stayed
he wakes up, makes his breakfast and leaves for work before i am up. he doesn’t kiss me goodbye while i sleep. he says he forgets to. he is always forgetting. we sleep so far apart it feels like we are in different beds. i am convinced one day the space between our bodies will be so big i won’t be able to reach him anymore. he says he loves me but it doesn’t sound how it used to. i wonder if love is supposed to make you feel so unlovable. i say it back but the words feel empty in my mouth. they linger in the air a moment before they are enveloped in the silence that fills the room. it is always the words that aren’t said that hurt the most. the silence becomes a part of our daily life. the third person in the relationship we turn to when all else fails. his words have made me cry but somehow his silence stings so much more. i wonder what happened to the two kids that learned what love was together. i wonder if this was always going to be our fate. if we were never meant to be forever, if we were only meant to be for the time being. i wonder if there is someone who would remember to kiss me before they leave for work. i wonder if love is remembering how to stop loving. if love is walking away. i am starting to think sometimes love is knowing it’s time to go no matter how badly you’d like to stay.
#poetry#unrequited crush#unrequited feelings#heartbreak#unrequited love#unrequited poem#inkskinned#spilled feelings#moving on quote#poetry blog#spilled soul#spilled everything#spilled tears#spilled writing#spilled ink#prose writing#an excerpt from a book i'll never write#writers on tumblr#spilled poem
my life is undoubtedly better without you in it. but a part of me still wishes it could’ve gotten better with you by my side, i wish it didn’t take you leaving for me to grow into the person i’m supposed to become. i wish you could’ve stayed while it happened. i know you stopped loving the person i was but i know you would love the person i am now and that’s what hurts the most. i’m sorry that it had to be this way. i really wish it wasn’t.
i hope you’re well - a letter to my first love.
it gets tiring after a while doesn’t it? another relationship goes sour, another strong connection fizzles out, another person leaves. it’s hard to let go of people not meant for you when you so desperately wish that they were. and then you think about the people they are meant for and you feel so jealous and so tired because you would do anything for them to be yours. but it’s okay. all the people that aren’t meant for you are just preparing you for the relationships that stay pure forever, the connections that grow stronger, the people who’ll stay. let’s not look at what we’ve lost, of what we’ve had to grudgingly let go. let’s focus on what is to come, let’s believe that there are better people and times ahead of us. let’s not let the wrong people be the end of us, let them shape us instead. let’s make the people who we’ve met who aren’t meant for us help us to be ready for the people who are meant for us.
Tell me. How it is fair. For me to live my life in the fallout from you leaving. That I cannot so much as kiss another boy without feeling sick to my stomach, because I’m craving your lips instead. Tell me. Why I see you in everything I do and everywhere I go. Why I am the only one who is haunted by our memories. Why I cannot erase your kiss from my memory. Why you have already forgotten mine. Why I cannot weed out the flowers you planted in me. Why you have already let the ones I planted die. Tell me. How is it fair? That I cannot forget you. That you have already forgotten me.
questions that will forever be left unanswered.
I knew deep down that you never truly cared for me. You would string together beautiful words and tell me everything I wanted to hear but I knew you never meant a word of it. I think the reason I held onto you so tightly for so long was because you were the first boy to make me feel special and I refused to believe that you didn’t mean the beautiful things you said. I held onto the idea that one day you would wake up and realise that you did love me but you never did and it destroyed me.
and you don’t do that to the girl you claim to love.
I don’t think it was love that I felt towards him, it was more of an infatuation. He had the power to make me feel like the most important person in the world or make me feel like I was worthless. I think I stayed with him for so long because I gave him so much power over me but finally I realised that I was addicted to him and if I didn’t leave then he would destroy me. So that’s exactly what I did, I left. It wasn’t easy but as soon as I accepted that I didn’t need a boy to love me to feel like I was worth something and that my own love was enough I finally realised what I deserved.
know your worth and what you deserve and don’t ever settle.
You feel like it’s the same thing that keeps happening to you over and over again but just with different guys. You wonder why nothing ever seems to work out but what you have to understand is that life has a funny way of working itself out. You’re choosing the wrong guys and getting disappointed when it doesn’t work out the way you want it to, you’re choosing guys who don’t deserve you and wondering how you’re still getting hurt. Nothing is working out for you because you’re settling, you’re not choosing the guy who tells you how much you mean to him every second of every day. You’re choosing the guy who texts you first and tells you that you’re pretty but is still too busy to make plans with you next weekend. You’re settling for lust and wondering why you’re not getting love.
don’t settle because you don’t what to be alone.
When someone is unsure about how they feel about you then leave. You shouldn’t stay with someone who messes with your emotions because they can’t sort out their own. You’ll find someone who has no doubts about loving you because that’s what you deserve so stop settling and go out and find them.
sometimes the best thing to do is just move on.
One day you wake up and it’s different. There’s no sinking feeling in your stomach and you feel like you can breathe again. One day you wake up and it just clicks, you don’t care about him anymore. The thought of him being with someone who isn’t you no longer consumes you and you don’t feel the sudden urge to pick up the phone and call him. You feel lighter, you feel free and it’s one of the best feelings in the world because you know you're ready to move on with your life.
the hurt doesn’t last forever, nothing ever does.
You couldn’t have changed him. Your love is powerful but you cannot change a man who doesn’t want to be changed. There was nothing you could’ve done so don’t blame yourself, you done enough. You done the right thing by walking away because you cannot spend your life chasing a man who doesn’t want to be caught.
sometimes you have to walk away because you know he’ll break your heart if you stay.
It’s always sad when things end, especially when they end so unexpectedly, without any warning. You wonder if you done something wrong and you try to figure out what happened but you don’t need closure to move on. You moving on with your life, not questioning his decision and finding someone new is your closure and you’ll realise it’s much better than anything he could’ve ever said to you.
sometimes things just don’t work out and that’s okay.
1. A boy who wants to speak to you will message you, if he’s not messaging you then it’s probably because he doesn’t want to.
2. If he's not asking you out on a date then it’s most likely because he doesn’t want to take you on one.
3. Calling you ‘crazy’ or ‘strange’ is his way of trying to make you feel like your feelings are unnecessary, don’t stay with someone who makes you feel stupid for having feelings.
4. You never really know what he’s thinking so don’t for a second think you do because you’ll end up getting disappointed.
5. A boy who truly likes you will never put himself in a position to lose you.
6. Know when to walk away, you will find a boy who appreciates you.
7. Don’t chase him, if he wants to leave let him. If he really did like you as much as you liked him he wouldn’t be walking away in the first place, remember that.
8. There’s always someone else, they might not be right for you either but there will always be someone you find after them and eventually you’ll find the right person.
9. Don’t ignore the red flags, if you think something isn’t right then trust your gut, you’re probably right anyway.
10. If he likes you then he’ll want to talk to you and only you and will make an active effort to do so.
11. “I’m not looking for anything serious right now” means “I’m not looking for anything serious with you”.
12. A boy who likes you will want to be with you.
13. If he tells you he’s going to bed but is then actively on social media then don’t dare message him the next day.
14. A boy who likes you will want to speak to you everyday, not once a week or whenever it suits him.
15. Watch out for the boys who speak to you in their free time and the boys who’ll free their time to speak to you, it’s important to learn the difference.
16. If he ignores any of your messages, whether they’re messages that have an answer to them or ones that could be ignored then he’s probably not interested.
17. If a boy is interested in you then he’s going to message you back even if your last message was one he didn’t have to reply to, if he likes you he’ll want to talk to you.
18. Actions will always speak louder than words, don’t believe anything he says unless he actively proves it with his actions.
19. Boys say things they don’t mean.
20. Once it’s over walk away, he’s made it clear how he feels about you or rather how he doesn’t so leave it at that.
20 lessons I’ve learned (and never want to forget).
It’s scary how you can go from talking/seeing someone everyday to not even knowing where they are in the world. I don’t like it, I don’t like that someone can disappear from your life in the blink of an eye without any warning. That’s why people try so hard not to get attached, because once someone leaves, they’re gone forever.
I hope you think of me sometimes.