I promise you that there is no way that your life would be better with someone who doesn’t want to be in it.
Trying a new thing for February, self reflection journal prompts!
Here’s my answer to: am I willing to trust the timing of my life?
Are you willing to trust the timing of your life?
(Just realised I got the year wrong 😭 I’m still living in the past lmaoo)
i go back to the start and i think of all the love you had for me. i think of the way you looked at me with so much adoration. i don’t recognise you anymore. i don’t know what happened to you. i don’t know what happened to us.
where did we go wrong?
you tell me that you’ve moved on and want me out of your life for the new year. i’m drunk and already upset but you say it anyway, maybe because you know i won’t let you go otherwise. so i swallow your words like fire, burning my throat and causing my eyes to flood and oh my god does it hurt so badly. but all i can do is look at the ground as my tears fall at our feet, i can’t bare to look into your loveless and pitiful eyes. and i think to myself that no one deserves to feel this like, that i deserve better and that i’ll find better once i let you go. so i walk away, a drunken mess with heartbreak written all over my face but i walk away determined to let you go. and for me, that means something. for me, that’s strong.
last year was about surviving the mess you made when you left, this year i’ll move on from it.
You can’t change how someone remembers you. You can know in your heart that you loved them and were good to them when they didn’t deserve it but all they will focus on is the times you couldn’t be there for them. Just because they will only remember you as a bad person does not mean that you are one. It just means that it’s easier for them to let you go if they only think of you as someone who let them down. All that matters is what you think of yourself and that you know you tried your best with them. Let them believe you are a terrible person and know that at least you don’t have to lie to yourself to move on.
i can remember the good times and still let you go, it’s a shame you can’t do the same.
and i wonder if it happened day by day. or if it was a gradual process. or if you woke up one night, after a restless sleep. and you stared up at the ceiling and wiped your eyes and thought, for no reason in particular, “oh my god, i don’t love her anymore”.
i don’t know why i let the question haunt me when i know the answer would kill me.
you always wrote me love letters. it was our thing. a few weeks into dating and in they came and they never quite stopped until you walked out the door. paragraphs upon paragraphs of how much you loved and adored me. they made me feel special. no one had ever written more than a few sentences about how they felt about me yet there i was, surrounded by love notes about how great i was. when you left, i deleted your number, i blocked you from everything, i got rid of all of our pictures. but i kept the letters. i could never get rid of the letters. i liked to keep them as proof, that even though you stopped loving me, there was a point where you did. that the love we had was real and that maybe it would eventually come back if things changed. i told myself that you wouldn’t have written all of those things about me if you didn’t love me at all. when the ache of missing you was too much to bare i would take out the letters and read them. they’d reassure me that maybe our story wasn’t over, that maybe you’d pick up the pen and come back. but then i heard about how you were writing other girls letters, paragraphs even, all saying the same thing. sometimes even to multiple girls at once. it made me feel awful, all this time i had clung onto the fact that i had to have been special to you to write so much about me just to hear that you were writing them now for anyone who would read them. so now almost a year after it’s all been said and done i still can’t help but wonder, did you really love me or did you just love writing letters?
i think it’s time to throw away the letters.
just because they feel like home it doesn’t mean they won’t burn your house down.
be careful who you love.
#spilled ink#spilled words#inkskinned#spilled feelings#spilled thoughts#spilled tears#spilled writing#spilled poetry#heartbreak#unrequited love#break up quote#prose writing#prose poem#spilled prose#poetry blog#poem#poetry#moving on quote#break up#lessons in heartbreak#lessons i've learned#lessons in love
“i loved you so much” i said squeezing your hand hoping for my touch to be enough to bring the old you back.
“i loved you too” you said keeping your hand still, staring forward not daring to look at me.
and somehow after two years together that was the shortest yet saddest conversation we’d ever had.
i would have sooner cut my tongue off than tell you that i still loved you. but i guess life is just shitty like that. sometimes you just have to keep loving someone and live with knowing that there’s not a single wretched thing you can do about it.
the last conversation we had (i wanted to tell you that i’m not over you).
i was walking home, by myself and i saw a couple across the street. they were holding hands and laughing. and i didn’t wince in pain and i didn’t feel the sharp twinge in my chest like i usually do when i see happy couples. i didnt feel miserable and feel envious of what they had. i couldn’t. because that was me once. with you. we were once the happy couple that would make people roll their eyes at how in love we were. so instead of wishing them the same fate that we had and the same pain i had to endure, i didn’t. i actually hoped that they’d be the lucky ones. that maybe they’d beat the odds and overcome the obstacles we couldn’t. so i didn’t feel jealous. because that was me once, in the happy couple. and i know that it will be me again. just not with you. and i’m starting to realise that that’s maybe not such a bad thing after all.
being single doesn’t have to mean being sad.
i like to imagine that we could go back in time together and tell the past versions of us that we wouldn’t be in love in a years time. i’d love to see your face when i’d tell you that you were the one who left, who gave up, who stopped fighting for us. that in a years time you would be sitting with another girl and replacing the memories we made. i bet you wouldn’t believe it, you always said you loved me more. and you never liked to be wrong. i bet we would both be horrified “that’s not possible” the old us would cry naively. “we love each other!” i like to think we could at least laugh about it as the old us looked at us both puzzled and distraught. “we did” i’d say and i’d swallow the hard lump of pain that came along with having to accept that the love was no more. “but sometimes people just stop and they change their minds.” i focus on myself and blink back the tears threatening to rush down my face “and sometimes you can’t do a single wretched thing about it.”
i miss who we were last year.
and what a
difficult thing it is
to see someone
for who they are
instead of
who they were
is the old you gone forever? (please tell me it isn’t)
i always do this
i let him tell me i can fly
and i only believe it
after he tells me
as if i wasn’t born
with wings
as if i couldn’t already fly
before he told me i could
i let his love be the wind
that i need to soar
so when he leaves
i fall and i break
i wait for another to come
to repair what he broke
to fix me again
i need to learn
that my love for myself
is enough to make me fly
and is more than enough
to fix
my broken wings
i am still learning how to love myself.
#spilled ink#spilled words#inkskinned#spilled feelings#spilled thoughts#spilled tears#spilled writing#spilled poetry#heartbreak#unrequited love#spilled prose#spilled soul#spilled emotions#prose poem#prose writing#prose poetry#poem#poetry blog#lessons in heartbreak#lessons in letting go#self care#self healing#moving on quote
time is always passing. no matter how much you want it to stop so you can bask in the memories of what was, you can’t. eventually the memories will fade. focus on healing. don’t try to live in the past because life doesn’t slow down for anyone. learn the art of letting go and master it. life goes by too fast to spend it reminiscing about old memories. make new ones with better people and focus on yourself and your happiness. it’s not selfish. it’s life.
breathe. let go. live.
it’s heart-wrenching to watch someone you love walk away from you, so don’t. when they leave, turn around. take a look in the mirror. realise that their absence hasn’t got anything to do with you. learn that it was their time to leave. tell yourself you deserve someone who will stay and believe it. look at all the amazing qualities and features you have that they can’t see. see them and appreciate them for yourself. know that it doesn’t matter if they don’t think you’re worth it anymore. look at yourself and realise you have always been worth it and that you always will be worth it. focus on your healing. focus on yourself. when they walk away, let them. turn your back on them too and choose yourself and your healing. it’s not selfish, it’s brave. let yourself grieve and then grow from this experience. become a better version of yourself. and thank them. because you never would have had the strength and willpower to change and grow if they had stayed.
self-love.
#spilled ink#spilled words#inkskinned#spilled feelings#spilled thoughts#spilled tears#spilled writing#spilled poetry#heartbreak#unrequited love#moving on quote#lessons in letting go#lessons in heartbreak#spilled prose#prose poem#prose writing#poem#poetry blog#writers on tumblr#writing#sad prose#prose
when it’s over try to be soft. don’t let yourself come undone in front of him. save it for when you’re in your room alone after you’ve left his house for the last time. don’t tell him you love him one last time in the hopes that it’ll change his mind. it won’t. don’t put yourself through the deafening silence of him being unable to say it back or to say anything back other than “i’m sorry”. because his apology is more than just “i’m sorry for what has happened.” it’s “i’m sorry that i don’t love you anymore” and “i’m sorry that i can’t choose you” and “i’m sorry that even though i know i should regret this right now, all i can feel is relief.” please, don’t put yourself through anymore pain. when it’s over, just leave. respect yourself enough to know that there is someone better who will stay. don’t force someone to tell you that they don’t love you when you already know. don’t try and change someone’s mind about you. when it’s all gone and all you have are the memories trust that your love was real, it just wasn’t meant to last forever. and that’s okay. when you have to leave and walk away know that you don’t want a love that won’t stay. you don’t want a love you have to beg for. when you’re alone in you’re room coming undone just know that he has done you a favour. because there is someone out there who would do anything to be with you. and you’ll find them eventually. it just isn’t him.
let him go.
#spilled ink#spilled words#inkskinned#spilled feelings#spilled thoughts#spilled tears#spilled writing#spilled poetry#heartbreak#unrequited love#moving on#break up quote#lessons in letting go#lessons in heartbreak#lessons i've learned#spilled prose#prose#prose poem#prose writing#prose poetry#poetry blog#poem#blossumfully