as another sexual abuse victim I'd like to add. Within a mindset where much of my self worth comes from being found sexually attractive (DUE TO past sexual abuse mind you) it would be absolutely excruciating if my partner told me they did not find me sexy when I am not behaving a certain way, or if they abstained from having sex with me to punish me, and all this is COMPLETELY different from an ace or sexual abuse victim telling me they will not have sex with me for their own safety or wellbeing
We’ve had a few asks about this subject and I feel this is the crux of the matter. There is a difference between being asexual and/or a sex abuse survivor and expressing you don’t want to have sex, in order to take care of yourself and your needs, and a partner who is punishing and/or controlling their significant other through denying intimacy and sex.
Another ask mentioned “withholding sex” might not be the right term to use for this and “using sex and intimacy to control, demean and manipulate” may be better due to “withholding sex” being a phrase used to fault women for not wanting sex. I think that’s a valid point too and also reinstates that what we are talking about here in regards to abuse is when a partner is using sex as a way to control, demean, and/or punish another.
It’s completely valid and necessary for a lot of people out there (including myself as an asexual) to be able to say no to sex due to low sex drive, asexuality, past abuse, or even just because you’re not feeling emotionally ok for it. What is not ok, and what is being talked about, is when someone is using sex/intimacy to manipulate and control another.
It doesn’t have to be sex. Abusers can decide when their victims are deserving of hugs, kisses, affection, and when they are not. Again this is different to individuals who are just not feeling emotionally ok with intimacy at the time, or ever if they are not an intimately affectionate person.
In summary: Abusers can use sex- and the withholding of it- to punish, control, manipulate etc. their victims. In no way are we trying to say that people who are asexual, sexual abuse survivors, or those not feeling emotionally ready for sex, are abusive, or that saying no to sex is an abusive action in itself. We are sorry for any harm caused by using the phrase “withholding sex” and hope this can clear things up for people.
~ Vay