Shit Borderlines Do

This has happened to me. I think what happens to me is I get obsessed with the “idea” of someone. And then because my ideal never matches up to reality, I drop them like a hot potato. I’m not sure if this is normal for people with BPD but I imagine it’s not uncommon since the symptoms we can experience include:

Some of the common behaviors seen in BPD are also:

I need to impress that this doesn’t mean we can never have a stable relationship if we experience this however. I am currently in a stable relationship that is nearing 4 years in length. It can be difficult for us to fight against those unrealistic ideals we have on people but it is possible. I do still split on my boyfriend now and again but it isn’t a deal breaker for me, in part because I am self-aware about my BPD and myself and my boyfriend is a very stable and understanding individual in my life.

In summary, you’re not alone, I imagine due to the symptoms and behaviors associated with BPD it’s not that unheard of for others to experience this type of attraction, and it certainly isn’t something that we can’t fight against if we want to.

I hope this helps.

~ Vay

We’ve had a few asks about this subject and I feel this is the crux of the matter. There is a difference between being asexual and/or a sex abuse survivor and expressing you don’t want to have sex, in order to take care of yourself and your needs, and a partner who is punishing and/or controlling their significant other through denying intimacy and sex. 

Another ask mentioned “withholding sex” might not be the right term to use for this and “using sex and intimacy to control, demean and manipulate” may be better due to “withholding sex” being a phrase used to fault women for not wanting sex. I think that’s a valid point too and also reinstates that what we are talking about here in regards to abuse is when a partner is using sex as a way to control, demean, and/or punish another.

It’s completely valid and necessary for a lot of people out there (including myself as an asexual) to be able to say no to sex due to low sex drive, asexuality, past abuse, or even just because you’re not feeling emotionally ok for it. What is not ok, and what is being talked about, is when someone is using sex/intimacy to manipulate and control another.

It doesn’t have to be sex. Abusers can decide when their victims are deserving of hugs, kisses, affection, and when they are not. Again this is different to individuals who are just not feeling emotionally ok with intimacy at the time, or ever if they are not an intimately affectionate person. 

In summary:  Abusers can use sex- and the withholding of it- to punish, control, manipulate etc. their victims. In no way are we trying to say that people who are asexual, sexual abuse survivors, or those not feeling emotionally ready for sex, are abusive, or that saying no to sex is an abusive action in itself. We are sorry for any harm caused by using the phrase “withholding sex” and hope this can clear things up for people.

~ Vay

It can be part of the risk taking aspect of having BPD, for sure, especially when you find yourself escalating from just lots of sex or unprotected sex to more “kinky” or violent or extreme forms of sex. 

Basically, this kind of sexual desire can be really dangerous because of how extreme it is.  If you’re not doing it safely, a lot can go wrong.  Sometimes, as I said, that’s the appeal. 

It’s also really common for borderline individuals who have experienced sexual violence, particularly sexual abuse and rape, to feel this way.  Some of us will become hypersexual, some of us will become sex-repulsed. Some of us, like me, are asexual and yet were previously engaging in a hypersexual way until something traumatizing happened and now we’re sex-repulsed.  Sometimes we flip back and forth between being hypersexual and being sex-repulsed. It can be very complicated and confusing.

As long as you’re not trying to hurt yourself, there’s nothing particularly wrong with what you’re doing and what you desire (the only concerning thing you list, in my opinion, is having rape fantasies, since I think the only people who should be allowed to engage in rape fantasies are rape survivors because that can be part of the healing process). 

When it comes to your partner, I can’t give you advice there.  We don’t do relationship advice.  But I can say that sexual compatibility is incredibly important in a sexual romantic relationship or even a casual sexual relationship.  If people have to very different levels of comfort with sex and types of sex, that can lead to a toxic dynamic in the relationship where the less comfortable person can feel pressured into doing things they’re not comfortable with in order to satisfy their partner.  That’s not a good dynamic to have.  It can lead to a lot of guilt-tripping and coercion and manipulation and unwilling consent.  It can lead to really bad sexual experiences if both people aren’t into it.  You have to respect each others’ comfort zones and boundaries.

If your partner and you are just not compatible in this way, and sex is a really important thing to you, maybe consider that this might not be the relationship for you if you and your partner don’t have a happy sex life.  Open relationships can sometimes be a solution to this, but sometimes they too can result in unhealthy or toxic dynamics.  It’s up to you to work it out and understand you won’t get everything you want.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and is between consenting adults who know what the limits are and how to be safe.  This might be difficult for borderlines because we might not WANT to be safe.

Therefore, I really encourage you to analyze whether you have these desires for healthy reasons.  I’m not saying they’re automatically unhealthy (except the rape fantasies without a specific context), I’m saying that borderlines who are hypersexual often have other motivating factors behind their desires other than just really liking sex.  So you need to figure out if that’s the case for you and whether this is healthy.

TL;DR: Extreme sexual desires and extreme types of sex can absolutely be expressions of the impulsive risk-taking aspect of BPD, and there are many reasons that borderline individuals are hypersexual.  Ultimately there’s nothing wrong with being hypersexual and enjoying “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and all parties are consenting adults.  Be careful though, extreme sex, especially BDSM scenes, can quickly become toxic if not done correctly and safely.

-Pandora

If someone is coaxing you into sex while you're intoxicated, it is considered rape. However, I think in your case, you seem to go into it for the sake of having sex? It's still an uncomfortable topic though, and it may be worth avoiding. Even if you do drink for the sake of having sex, I would not trust anyone who takes advantage of someone who is drunk. /2 cents

That being said, problems with sex after abuse is very common. Something some find empowering is being a dom? Having control of the situation. Therapy will also help you work through this. Personally, I had horrible problems with sex and could not even orgasm until I slept with my current partner. I feel very lucky in this though.

-Mea