Shit Borderlines Do

It depends on your intention behind it. If you were sharing a genuine concern that going back to school will be dangerous to your mental health, then that is neither abusive nor manipulative. We can be very aware of our triggers and when something will be too much for us. Verbalizing that is important and IS NOT MANIPULATIVE.

However, if you told them that and it was not true, then it does become a concern. If you used a suicide threat in order to get your way, that is (at minimum) manipulative and is a behavior that could become abusive.

I am avoiding giving you a definite answer or putting a concrete name to your behavior because I do not have all the details. I don’t know your state of mind or your thought process. I don’t know your history with your symptoms or school. I hope that what I have said is able to help you identify what the behavior was.

If you decide that it was a case of manipulation/abuse, you need to become aware of that behavior and work to alter it. Recognize why you do it, what triggers your need to act that way, etc. Then find ways to change it.

-Robyn

Note -  As always, remember that we’re not professionals here. 

It seems to be pretty common in the community. It’s also something that you should be concerned about. Hurting yourself or others is never good.

-Kelsi

You know, I have actually seen this a lot in the community. The way I see it, self harm is self harm no matter if it’s with the intention to commit suicide or “”“"just for attention”“”“A therapist should also understand this.

Good luck with your new therapist

-Kelsi

It depends on the intention behind the act. Sometimes we will spend time with people who might hurt us because we feel a duty to, because we don’t want to disappoint people, and because we might not have a choice. That’s not self-harm so much as it’s making a difficult choice or being stuck in a rough situation.

If you are associating with people who hurt you because they hurt you it becomes a different story. It might be because you want to be punished. It might be because you feel you deserve it. It might be because you want to feel something. But the idea behind it is making the choice to hurt yourself.

It’s a little confusing so I’ll give you an example.

Scenario A: Sally was brought up with an emotionally abusive family. She now lives with her partner and only has to see them on the odd occasion. Her brother’s wedding is coming up and while she knows her parents will be there and will hurt her emotionally she still makes the choice to go because she loves her brother.

Scenario B: Sally has been feeling really empty lately. She considers calling her ex, not because she misses them but because she knows what they say will hurt her. Sally wants to feel something so badly that she resorts to engaging with someone who will emotionally wound her so that she can feel something even if it’s negative.

People will put themselves in situations that will hurt them but it doesn’t mean they are self-harming. When someone is doing something to seek out that resulting hurt that is when I consider it self-harm. As a result rather then a consequence. 

~ Vay

It counts. Anything where you intentionally inflict harm on yourself in order to deal with difficult feelings*, memories, and overwhelming situations counts. I actually used to do this too.

*This includes lack of feeling anything.

~ Vay

It could be a sign that you have high empathy which is something that correlates with those with BPD sometimes.

I have high empathy myself and often find it very difficult to witness someone being “ganged up on” or hurt, even if I see them as a “bad person”.

~ Vay

Perfectly valid! While the risk of attempting suicide is quite high with BPD it’s not a required trait to be suicidal. 

To be honest I haven’t been truly suicidal in years but have the same thoughts of it being easier if I didn’t exist from time to time. Sometimes life is rough but not everyone will respond to that with attempts or suicide plans, even if they have BPD.

Your experience with BPD is just as valid and real as others. :)

~ Vay

The terminology of right and wrong can be quite subjective depending on the people, the context, the “bad thing” etc. etc. I say this as you may get different answers depending on who you ask and in what context.

I would say that as human beings we all have thoughts that might be of a negative nature (to our perception). None of us are perfect saints and it would be impossible for us to control our instinctive thoughts and initial impulses to the degree where we never experience those thoughts.

So it’s not wrong from my perspective, it just is. Carrying out a negative thought and bringing it into reality can be perceived as wrong. I think “cause for concern” would be a better phrasing for it though. If it is recognized as bad by an individual and yet they plan to bring it into reality anyway, I’d be wondering what is causing them to do that and how it feels to them to do those “bad” things.

I know that some people would classify self harm as a “bad thing” so I wouldn’t classify intending to do it as “wrong”, just as a cause for concern if they feel it is a bad thing for them to be doing.

This question is a little vague so I’ve tried to answer it to the best of my ability. I’m not sure if the person intending to do “bad things” is the one who sees those things as bad or not. If they are then there’s a conflict there that should probably be addressed for their own sake. If not then it might be they don’t see these things as bad and might need to be told certain things are hurtful and/or distressing. 

~ Vay

I would definitely say so. The term “self-harm” is pretty explicit in it’s meaning, it’s just that people have taken it to just mean “cutting” for whatever reason.

Just as physical and emotional abuse are both still abuse but achieved in different ways, emotional and physical self-harm are still self-harm.

I would see intentionally pissing off loved ones in order for them to react negatively towards you as self-harm for instance. If you are doing something in order to cause harm to yourself then it counts as self-harm in my book. It could be they are doing that to get away from the emotional turmoil in themselves, to punish themselves, or to express how much they hate themselves.

I hope this clears it up for you!

~ Vay

It can be part of the risk taking aspect of having BPD, for sure, especially when you find yourself escalating from just lots of sex or unprotected sex to more “kinky” or violent or extreme forms of sex. 

Basically, this kind of sexual desire can be really dangerous because of how extreme it is.  If you’re not doing it safely, a lot can go wrong.  Sometimes, as I said, that’s the appeal. 

It’s also really common for borderline individuals who have experienced sexual violence, particularly sexual abuse and rape, to feel this way.  Some of us will become hypersexual, some of us will become sex-repulsed. Some of us, like me, are asexual and yet were previously engaging in a hypersexual way until something traumatizing happened and now we’re sex-repulsed.  Sometimes we flip back and forth between being hypersexual and being sex-repulsed. It can be very complicated and confusing.

As long as you’re not trying to hurt yourself, there’s nothing particularly wrong with what you’re doing and what you desire (the only concerning thing you list, in my opinion, is having rape fantasies, since I think the only people who should be allowed to engage in rape fantasies are rape survivors because that can be part of the healing process). 

When it comes to your partner, I can’t give you advice there.  We don’t do relationship advice.  But I can say that sexual compatibility is incredibly important in a sexual romantic relationship or even a casual sexual relationship.  If people have to very different levels of comfort with sex and types of sex, that can lead to a toxic dynamic in the relationship where the less comfortable person can feel pressured into doing things they’re not comfortable with in order to satisfy their partner.  That’s not a good dynamic to have.  It can lead to a lot of guilt-tripping and coercion and manipulation and unwilling consent.  It can lead to really bad sexual experiences if both people aren’t into it.  You have to respect each others’ comfort zones and boundaries.

If your partner and you are just not compatible in this way, and sex is a really important thing to you, maybe consider that this might not be the relationship for you if you and your partner don’t have a happy sex life.  Open relationships can sometimes be a solution to this, but sometimes they too can result in unhealthy or toxic dynamics.  It’s up to you to work it out and understand you won’t get everything you want.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to engage in “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and is between consenting adults who know what the limits are and how to be safe.  This might be difficult for borderlines because we might not WANT to be safe.

Therefore, I really encourage you to analyze whether you have these desires for healthy reasons.  I’m not saying they’re automatically unhealthy (except the rape fantasies without a specific context), I’m saying that borderlines who are hypersexual often have other motivating factors behind their desires other than just really liking sex.  So you need to figure out if that’s the case for you and whether this is healthy.

TL;DR: Extreme sexual desires and extreme types of sex can absolutely be expressions of the impulsive risk-taking aspect of BPD, and there are many reasons that borderline individuals are hypersexual.  Ultimately there’s nothing wrong with being hypersexual and enjoying “extreme” or “taboo” sex as long as it’s legal and all parties are consenting adults.  Be careful though, extreme sex, especially BDSM scenes, can quickly become toxic if not done correctly and safely.

-Pandora

From the disordered eating page on wiki

From An article on BPD and eating disorders:

-kenzie ♥

I have dermatillomania and sometimes I pick out of a compulsion to relieve stress and prevent something bad form happening (OCD traits) and sometimes I definitely pick as a form of self harm to make myself bleed but in a way that’s “socially acceptable” you know?  I’ve picked at my skin for as long as I can remember and I can definitely see that I was doing it for self harm even back in elementary school.  I was a sort of punishment for me, because I was very embarrassed about it and I was deeply ashamed of other kids noticing my scabbed and scarred skin but finally I realized that I would rather pick at my skin for hours at a time in order to calm myself down (as you said, it’s cathartic) than have a meltdown in public.

Derma absolutely can be a legitimate form of self harm.  It’s classified as a compulsive disorder I believe, but every psychiatrist has considered it self harming behaviour that’s a short term solution to a long term problem. I hope that helps validate you a bit more.  There are lots of ways to self harm and while none of them are good, none of them are less valid than any other either.

-Pandora

No it’s not unusual, self harm behaviour can actually become addictive. For myself I associate it with calm and control, and sometimes even punishment. But for you it helps you portray you need help. 

For whatever reason we choose to do it, it’s still not okay, I try abstain mostly, and I only now crumble on really really stressful times, so I assure you you can over come it.

You don’t need to prove to people you have problems, if you find the right people they should believe you, and doctors shouldn’t need to see you self harming t warrant getting you help and therapy. I’d suggest talking to your GP or a therapist about this as I do understand the struggle of letting go of self harm, and its a tough one, but you will be so much better without it. 

- Kirsty

I think we have several helpful links in our FAQ, actually, if you haven't seen them already! There are a few posts made with tips on how to deal with overwhelming emotions.

-Mea