Shit Borderlines Do

I wouldn’t say you have to trust them but if you really aren’t getting through to them it might be best to drop it and seek diagnosis elsewhere if possible.

This “in control” thing is just BS anyway. I’m very in control around people I don’t know well in part because of social anxiety holding me back. BPD and it’s symptoms don’t exist in a vacuum where it is the only thing that will have an influence over how you act. In fact I imagine it is common for people with BPD to bottle up things until they do get home around their FP and “let it out”, due to the common occurrence of individuals having difficulty expressing feelings (especially anger) in the past that can feed through to the present day.

Self-awareness is useful to BPD but it does not discount it either. Instead of telling you it means you can’t have BPD, they should be telling you instead that it is really positive that you have that self-awareness so you can utilise it and build on it in your treatment. 

I would perhaps ask one more time and maybe inform them of when you “are out of control” and what that feels like to you in the hope of having them understand that your behavior “in session” doesn’t account for 99% of your behavior which is outside the psychiatrist’s room. 

Good luck! I hope they listen to you and if they don’t it’s ok to seek a second opinion.

~ Vay

His therapist isn’t doing a very good job. And you are correct in thinking they are biased, something therapists should adhere to not being. Nor should they be giving advice.

I am speaking from experience from the UK, but the way I have been trained is to listen to what the client wants and feels rather then pushing my own judgement and advice on them. Therapy is not advice, but about helping the person attending it to find their own way that suits them best. We can’t tell people what to do!

I’m not sure what your relationship with your boyfriend is like but communicating to him somehow about your worries would be best I feel. I can understand your fears of being controlling/invalidating however as it is his therapy, not yours.

Since therapy is confidential I am assuming here that you know about this as he talked to you about it. Perhaps next time he mentions something relating to it you could say to him gently, “I understand that this therapy is for you and that it may be helping you in some ways, I just want to talk to you about some concerns I have about your therapist’s stance on me and BPD as I feel it is quite negative and I am fearful of if it has any affect on our relationship”. He might just say he feels it’s bullshit but puts up with it for the work he is achieving, or he may say it has annoyed him but he doesn’t know how to deal with it. From there you can discuss what you can do about it and where your partner wants his therapy to go.

In counselling training we talk about a concept called “owning our feelings”. I think as long as you own what you feel honestly to him and don’t place any assumptions or blame on him the conversation should go quite well.

You’re completely right to have concerns about this and I’m sorry this is happening to you because of a therapist who isn’t able to do their job properly. If my boyfriend was in therapy and his counsellor said something similar to him I would be very frightened, angry, and doubting myself as a partner for him. I think you’ve done really well to come here and ask for help while shouldering all that negativity thrown your way. It’s not easy especially when a professional is making you out to be the bad person.

I hope everything goes well for you and your partner. I’ll be thinking of you.

~ Vay

We’ve had a few asks about this subject and I feel this is the crux of the matter. There is a difference between being asexual and/or a sex abuse survivor and expressing you don’t want to have sex, in order to take care of yourself and your needs, and a partner who is punishing and/or controlling their significant other through denying intimacy and sex. 

Another ask mentioned “withholding sex” might not be the right term to use for this and “using sex and intimacy to control, demean and manipulate” may be better due to “withholding sex” being a phrase used to fault women for not wanting sex. I think that’s a valid point too and also reinstates that what we are talking about here in regards to abuse is when a partner is using sex as a way to control, demean, and/or punish another.

It’s completely valid and necessary for a lot of people out there (including myself as an asexual) to be able to say no to sex due to low sex drive, asexuality, past abuse, or even just because you’re not feeling emotionally ok for it. What is not ok, and what is being talked about, is when someone is using sex/intimacy to manipulate and control another.

It doesn’t have to be sex. Abusers can decide when their victims are deserving of hugs, kisses, affection, and when they are not. Again this is different to individuals who are just not feeling emotionally ok with intimacy at the time, or ever if they are not an intimately affectionate person. 

In summary:  Abusers can use sex- and the withholding of it- to punish, control, manipulate etc. their victims. In no way are we trying to say that people who are asexual, sexual abuse survivors, or those not feeling emotionally ready for sex, are abusive, or that saying no to sex is an abusive action in itself. We are sorry for any harm caused by using the phrase “withholding sex” and hope this can clear things up for people.

~ Vay