[Today in crossovers nobody asked for: an alternate version of the duel scene from Onegin, set to the Matter Patter from Gilbert & Sullivan’s Ruddigore.]
ONEGIN
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation:
We’ve progressed beyond the point of peaceful reconciliation.
What an idiot I’ve been! These were such trivial offenses.
If I’d only kept a level head and never lost my senses
And approached the situation in a manner more sagacious,
Not so quick to seek revenge. The kid’s eighteen, man! Goodness gracious.
But as reckoning approaches, these considerations scatter —
For when honor’s on the line, there’s little else that seems to matter!
LENSKY and ZARETSKY
Honor’s all that seems to matter, matter, matter… etc.
LENSKY
My golden days of spring, it seems, have permanently vanished.
O idyllic youthful fantasies, now whither are ye banished?
Just uncertainty before me, and the past has also perished,
And I stare into the gloom and face the loss of all I cherished,
My ephemeral existence soon cut short with little warning
By a little leaden pellet on this chilly winter morning.
Will I die? will I be spared? Although I’d much prefer the latter,
I’ll trust Fate to sort it out, so my opinion doesn’t matter!
ONEGIN and ZARETSKY
His opinion doesn’t matter, matter, matter… etc.
ZARETSKY
If I had been a milder and more lenient sort of fellow
(And if I weren’t such a stickler for the sacred Code Duello)
I’d have got you both to talk this out and not resort to fighting…
But the method duelistic is so terribly exciting!
It’s a noble old tradition. Come on, gents, I’ve marked the paces;
Kindly stop soliloquizing, for it’s time to take your places,
Take your weapons; let’s take care of this. No time for idle chatter!
For you know there is no other way to settle such a matter.
ONEGIN and LENSKY
One must settle such a matter, matter, matter… etc.
ALL
Yes, indeed, we must take care of this. No time for idle chatter!
For we know there is no other way to settle such a matter.