#fat – @shewhoworshipscarlin on Tumblr

There’s a lot of things you never see. And you don’t know you don’t see ‘em, ‘cause you don’t see ‘em. You gotta see something first to know you never saw it, then you see it and say hey I never saw that, too late you just saw it. I know things you never see. You never see a Rolls Royce with a bumper sticker that says: Shit Happens. You never see a really big tall fat Chinese guy with red hair. You never see a wheelchair with a roll bar. You never see someone taking a shit running at full speed, and you’ve never seen a picture of Margaret Thatcher strapping on a dildo.

George Carlin

shewhoworshipscarlin

I also happen to like it when feminists attack these fat ass housewives who think there’s nothin’ more to life than sitting home on the telephone, drinking coffee, watchin’ tv, and and pumpin’ out a baby every nine months. Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom. “Will seven be enough, Bob?!” Ba-boom, ba-boom. But what’s the alternative? What’s the alternative to pumpin’ out a unit every nine months? Pointless careerism? Pointless careerism, putting on a man-tailored suit with shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? This is the noblest thing women can think of? To take a job in a criminal corporation that’s poisoning the environment and robbing customers out of their money? This is the worthiest thing they can thing of? Isn’t there something nobler they could do to be helping this planet heal? You don’t hear much about that from these middle class women.

George Carlin

shewhoworshipscarlin

I’m tellin’ ya. Every other person in this country is fifty pounds overweight. They are gargantuan! And in the summer time—God help us—in the summer time they all wanna wear short pants. Jesus lord protector of all that is good and holy, deliver me from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs, and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs, and dumb kids. Every one of ‘ems got two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family’s wearing t-shirts, and every one of ‘ems got the same t-shirt: I’m With Stupid. Apparently in this country the Stupid’s are an extended family. And besides wearing them t-shirts, everyone in the family is got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they gotta carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food! And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And another reason for the backpacks is these people are gonna buy even more stupid shit! They ain’t got enough stupid shit at home; they just had a stupid shit sale, they gotta buy more! They’re gonna go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, over-sized SUV that’s got plenty of room in it for stupid shit, and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home…stopping of course for jelly roll and fried dough.

George Carlin

shewhoworshipscarlin

Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big fat motherfuckers walking around? Big, fat mother fuckers. Oh my God, huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies, monstrous thighs, and BIG FAT FUCKING ASSES. And if you stand there for a minute and look at one of ‘em, you begin to wonder: “How does this woman take a shit? How does she shit?” and even more frightening, “how does she wipe her ass?! Can she even locate her ass hole? She might require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field?” And standing right next to her of course, with a plate full of nachos and a mouth full of pie, is her clueless fucking husband, Joe Sixpack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle like a ninety pound tumor, this guy hasn’t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and look at the two of them, you begin to wonder to yourself, “do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn’t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they’re in that Cirque du Soleil or somethin’.”

George Carlin