There is definitely a pressure for funny people to be funny. People want them to perform all the time.
Marsha Thomason
Artifacts from the George Carlin exhibit at the National Comedy Museum in Jamestown, New York.
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George Carlin
Any time there’s genocide, there are always mass graves. Right? Every time we kill some dictator and go marching through his country, we always find mass graves. Thousands and thousands of dead bodies of people the dictator killed. And everybody over here gets horrified. “Oh mass graves! Mass graves! Woah.” Well shit, what’s a guy supposed to do with with a couple thousand people he just killed? Dig separate holes? Fuck that shit! It’s labor intensive, get real!
George Carlin
We’re too busy sittin’ around thinkin’ up ways to kill each other. Here’s one we came up with, it’s efficient, too. Genecide. You know, killing large numbers of people simply because they don't look like you, they don’t talk like you, and they and they don't have the same kind of hats you do. You ever notice that at any time you see to groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.
George Carlin
Here's an interesting form of murder we've come up with. Assassination. You know what’s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fuckin’ hurry, but it’s also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is? Stop to think who it is we kill? It’s always people who’ve told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcom X, John Lennon; they all said try to live together peacefully. BAM! Right in the fuckin’ head. Apparently we’re not ready for that. That’s difficult behavior for us.
George Carlin
Human behavior, that’s what I like. Humans do some really interesting things. Like, besides killin’ ourselves, we also kill each other. Murder. And we’re the only ones who do that, by the way. We're the only species on earth that deliberately kills members of our own species for personal gain…or pleasure, sometimes it’s just fun.
George Carlin
I think about stuff like that. It’s interesting to me. Like I said. Certain things are interesting. Suicide’s interesting. Life is filled with interesting things. That’s why I could never commit suicide. I'm having too much fun keeping an eye on you folks.
George Carlin
I don’t think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you? A writer would be too busy working on the note all goddamn year, tryin’ to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending. Finally, he’d turn it into a book proposal and have a reason to live.
George Carlin
“Well, I guess I’ll just hang myself. That’s be good. Gotta get a rope. Shit, it’s always something. I got a rope in the garage! Eh, it’s got a lot of grease and paint on it. Wouldn’t wanna get that stuff on my neck. Walmart’s having a special on rope this weekend. No sense spending a lot of money to kill myself. Then again, I could always put it on my credit card, I’d never have to pay the fuckin’ thing. That’s it, then, I’m hanging myself and Walmart’s payin’ for it.
George Carlin
Then you have to pick a method. How you gonna do it. “Well, let me see now, ‘fraid of heights, that’s not good. Can’t swallow pills, don’t like the sight of blood. Fucking oven’s electric. I could lie down in front of a train, but Amtrak ain’t come through here in 30 goddamn years. Maybe I’ll just take a gun and shoot myself in the mouth. Eh, Suppose I miss. People’ll be laughin’ at me. Suppose I live! I’d have a big fuckin’ hole in my head. I’d have to wear some kinda dumbass hat.”
George Carlin
I just think that’s interesting as hell. That’s probably the most interesting thing you could do with your life. End it! I don’t think I could do that though, could you? God. I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it. But I understand it.
George Carlin
Somewhere else another guy has goin’ over and getting a gun out of a dresser drawer. Somebody else is opening up a brand new package of razor blades. Maybe struggling with the cellophane a little bit, you know? “Ah shit, it’s always somethin’, goddamn—"
George Carlin
But I just think interesting to know—interesting: that’s a big word in this show for me—interesting to know that at any moment, the odds are good that some guy is dragging a chair across the garage floor, trying to get it right underneath that ceiling beam. Wouldn’t want to be too far off center. It’s worth doin’, it’s worth doin’ right.
George Carlin
Statistics show, that every year, a million people commit suicide. A million. That’s 2800 a day. That’s one every 30 seconds. ………..There goes another guy. I say guy because men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it. That’s something else you gals’ll wanna be workin’ on. Well, if you want to be truly equal, you’re gonna have to start taking your own lives in greater numbers.
George Carlin
Well, that’s a poetic note. And it’s a start. And I can dream can’t I? See, I don’t worry about the little things. Bees, trees, whales, snails. I think we’re part of a greater wisdom than we will ever understand. A higher order. Call it what you want. Wanna know what I call it? The Big Electron. The Big Electron *pulsing woah sound* It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is. And so are we. For a little while.
George Carlin
“Let’s see, viruses. Viruses might be good. They seem vulnerable to viruses. And Viruses are tricky, always mutating, and forming new strains whenever a vaccine is developed. And perhaps this first virus can be one that compromises the immune system of these creatures. Perhaps a human immunodeficiency virus, making them vulnerable to all sorts of other diseases and infections that might come along, and maybe it could be spread sexually, making them a little reluctant to engage in the act of reproduction.”
George Carlin