I Am Nothing But Anger's Remorse

I’ve finally finished the incredible show that is Stargate Atlantis and I. Have. Thoughts.

I watched Vegas and Enemy at the Gates together (on the advice of my sga leader @lightthewaybackhome) and I’m so happy I did.

So Vegas feels like a different show entirely, from the filming to the characters. Sheppard does not seem like Sheppard nor does anyone else. They’re all darker, more broken versions. My heart was just broken the whole time, but I didn’t cry until I saw Rodney though. This is the Rodney without his Sheppard to guide him and help him. This is the Rodney who lets Keller pass him by. This is the Rodney that lets Sheppard go alone. This is Rodney without a Sheppard that lit up Atlantis (this is honestly worse than last man but it’s a good parallel).

This is the Sheppard that goes alone on yet another suicide mission because he’s lost everything anyway…and then he dies. While Johnny Cash’s “Solitary Man” plays. Because that’s who Sheppard is, not the man in black saving the world with his people, but the solitary man who is alone without a home and no chance to be healed. And yet still he sacrifices himself and is brave and dies saving the world. Sheppard becomes the action hero at the end of the movie that goes out guns blazing and, while it’s usually cool to see, this one just breaks our hearts.

And then we move to the finale and…oh! Sheppard is Sheppard again, and Rodney is Rodney and everyone is okay.

And we see the parallels between the Vegas world and ours throughout the episode. Sheppard about to go on a suicide mission stops right at the last moment because Rodney’s voice breaks through the radio. The team is about to die blowing up the hive ship but stops because Atlantis is there in time to save them. Atlantis is lit up because of Sheppard. And then we see them all at the end. They’re happy, and alive and not broken.

And even though they aren’t fully healed, cause who ever is in this life, they’re on the path to healing. There’s hope, there’s light that has broken through the darkness (the way the show ends with the light piercing through the clouds is so beautiful in a literal and metaphorical sense like I’m sobbing).

There’s a couple lines from songs that my Sheppard told me about that is forever linked with SGA now. Ghosts That We Knew has a beautiful line, “So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light”. Throughout the show there’s so much darkness and pain, but we stick through it with the team because there’s hope that it’ll be okay. There’s hope because John is there, because they’re all there right where they should be. It’s a beautiful metaphor for life.

And then there’s a song called Hospital for Souls. It’s mainly a Sheppard song, as he lets himself burn for his family, but it’s also how Atlantis is a hospital for all the broken souls and brings them together. It’s why Sam didn’t stay there long and Woolsey came on board. It’s why Ronon says at the end that he is home. It’s why Teyla chooses to stay and raise her son in Atlantis instead of her home world. Why Rodney waits 48000 years for Sheppard and why Sheppard realizes finally that he doesn’t have to die to be redeemed, that living and healing is possible for even him.

It’s been a wonderful journey watching this show, it’s changed me, helped me grow and made me realize that healing is possible for even me. That a family is what you make it and they can be your hospital for your soul no matter how weary, broken or hurt.

I just love this show. I’m immediately gonna start rewatching it from the beginning because this. This is my family, my home. I’ve found myself in the darkness of Sheppard and the outlierness of Rodney. In the fierce love of Ronon and sisterly bond of Teyla.

I’m ever so grateful my friend got me to watch this, so happy that I went through the darkness into the light with my team, through tears and shouts of joy. I always said Supernatural would be the only show with this kind of life-changing, life-saving impact. But Stargate Atlantis now holds that honor too, this little, cheesy, ridiculously funny and terribly sad series has changed my life, helped me be the person I wanted to be for so many years but always struggled with (yeah I’m louder, complain more and am maybe a bit more annoying but gosh it’s more fun) and just generally helped me with so many endless things. And I’ve found some great friends and got closer to one of my best friends, aka my Sheppard lol.

Anyway, all this to say that this show is beautiful and incredible and please do yourself the honor of watching it but definitely bring tissues. Don’t worry too much about why they wear sneakers for like two seasons or their military tactics are off, but just enjoy the friendship, the humor, and how wonderful it shows that it doesn’t matter how messed up you are. How dark you’ve gotten or how many pieces of your soul you’ve sacrificed for others. You can be redeemed and healed and made whole. You can find people who love you despite your flaws and shortcomings. And you can find the light no matter how dark the world has become. You too can be home.