I’ve started playing dnd again and the campaign I’m in has the pitch that we all must be characters from written works. The plot is we got thrown out of our own stories and must find our way back.

I am Hamlet, a warlock who made a pact with his Dad’s ghost (it’s absolutely his Dad’s ghost, he wasn’t tricked at all, ignore the fiend patron type) to get revenge on his Uncle. But this post isn’t about him.

Because our cleric, the one entrusted with keeping the party full of heals, the only person with healing magic, is House MD.

“Wait Iz!” You cry. “House MD is a television show, not written fiction.” You’d be correct. Which is why our cleric House is not from the television show.

He’s from a fan fiction.

It’s as funny as it sounds.

“Inuyasha, you have to seduce Mr. Darcy.” A real thing one of us said last session.

Some of the party highlights are as follows:

-me, Hamlet Prince of Denmark, warlock. Bonds: revenge. Alignment: revenge. Flaws: too much revenge. Magical item: talking skull named Yorick who is definitely a magical therapist sent by Hamlet’s ghost dad, totally legit.

-Beowulf, barbarian, stuck the longest, who uses the arm of Grendel as a weapon.

-House, cleric, who upon casting “toll the dead” makes a siren noise somehow with his mouth. He is deeply upset and put off by this.

-Inuyusha, fighter, who as previously stated, has to seduce Mr. Darcy

Okay so about the Mr. Darcy bit:

The party having learned they are 1. Fictional and 2. There are holes in their stories that they fell through and the universe is losing stability, decide to find the source of the issue. Worms aka bookworms are eating holes in stories leaving portals we can travel though. And so in our pursuit of fixing things, we travel though a portal and find ourselves in the British countryside, being yelled at by a girl who thinks she’s our sister.

The party arrives at the Bennett’s house and it becomes clear to the party that we’re in some sort of courtly romance and since portals open tend to open when the plot is resolved, the gang decides the solution here is one of us has to be the leading lady and therefore must seduce Mr. Darcy (who is clearly the romantic lead with all the talk about him)

The problem? House fails his dice roll for knowing shit about Pride and Prejudice except that it’s a romance. Which means we have no idea which one of us is supposed to seduce Mr. Darcy.

We’re able to rule out some candidates.It can’t be House who is Caroline as he’s “clearly here to be paired off with someone else.” Nor Katniss who is Mary. Beowulf isn’t it (who has been cast as Mr. Wickham and is confusing everyone by suddenly becoming a much more pleasant person to be around). Which leaves Hamlet (Jane) and Inuyasha (Lizzy)

Hamlet has a 20 charisma score. The party desperately hopes it’s Hamlet.

Then we get to the ball, Mr. Bingley walks up to Hamlet and everyone including Inuyasha goes “oh goddamn it.”

So some shenanigans arise and we end up positioning Inuyasha in front of Mr. Darcy, who then bends and snaps (House taught him), impressing the man. But he walks off to talk business with some guards instead of talking to Lizzy and all the sudden we realize something is up.

Now it’s been a long time since I read Pride and Prejudice but it did strike me as odd our DM kept mentioning that people owned guns. It wasn’t too odd, hunting is a thing, but I couldn’t remember this much mention of a military and chalked it up to being a minor detail I forgot. At least I did, until Mr. Darcy opened a jar of flies, followed them to a man who was standing slightly askew and promptly decapitated him.

We were not in Pride and Prejudice it turns out. We were in:

As requested, here are some minor updates/things I left out:

-Hamlet is teaching Beowulf about “scheming” with mixed results.

-The gang entered another portal and found themselves in a cloud of Mist. Monsters that were horror remixes of children’s story characters (Blood and Honey Winnie the Poo, and a zombie Tigger, The Cheshire Cat (entirely unchanged which is fitting that bitch is scary in the original) and an eldrich horror Humpty Dumpty fightfff happens and as more monsters appear we flee, taking Howl of Howls moving castle with us back to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies land.

-Howl takes the role of Mr. Collins. For the sake of his vanity and our lives, we do not let him look in a mirror.

-We take a trip to the Giving Tree who we met in session one (Hamlet befriended her by giving her his cloak). Her place is full of portals to children’s stories and we jump into one and find ourselves in “The Old Women Who Lived in a Shoe.” To complete the story we must help with the chores. Howl uses his magic powers for cleaning and cooking, Hamlet teaches the children learning math about the fiscal policy of Denmark, Beowulf recites his swim story for bedtime and Katniss, overcome by children not living in fear of an early death, scares some into doing their fucking chores.

-House couldn’t make it this session so in game he is strung out on Regency era cocaine. Good for him.

I forgot to mention: the portals? They’re called plotholes.

dnd character design :] !!!

“[The trees] are intended as a sort of living tribute.”

“A treebute, if you will.”

selected excerpts from dnd lore about illithid being cringefail nerds for the new influx of squidfuckers bg3 has made

funniest thing our wizard has ever said after spending several seconds going through their spell list:

"oh who am I kidding? fireball."

Skeever Redraw v3

I had the mighty need to re-draw some of this little bitch, my D&D Goblin Rogue, Skeever. Everyone's (least) favourite little burglar who gets her kicks in high stakes, undercutting the competition and charging you consultancy fees.

You can see her previous design variants in DA gallery!

-- Find my Discord and other sites: linktr.ee/The_red_right_hand Do not use, repost or claim (rp) my art/character  Art © The-Red-Right-Hand

Any excuse to get the pole out 🙄

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girls night in the ancient tomb and we know fuck all

The Monster Manual but it's blatantly written by the monsters

mimc Mouth perfec t size for put baby in to n\ap! inside very Soft and Comfort baby sleep soundly put baby in Mimic Mouth. Put Baby In Mimic Mouth. no problems ever in mimmic mouth because good Shape and Support for baby neck weak of big baby head. Amimic Mouth yes a place for a baby put baby in mimic mouth can trust mimic for giveing good love to baby. friend mimic

I think one of the starkest illustrations of how incoherent Hasbro's goals for Dungeons & Dragons are is that they made the writers take out all the direct references to dragon-fucking in 5E in a bid to render the IP more advertiser-friendly, but still insisted upon keeping a bunch of stuff whose narrative context strongly implies dragon-fucking front and centre in the brand identity, so now the Player's Handbook has gotta play coy about where dragon-blooded sorcerers come from.

"Perhaps one of your ancestors [MADE A BARGAIN] with a dragon, or perhaps you're the first of a new sorcerous bloodline as a result of a [BARGAIN] with a dragon". Yeah, I bet it was quite the "bargain".

Unbelievably huge dragon d[ISCOUNT]

Rolls to Alarm Your Players

Want to spice the game up? Why not try alarming your players for no real reason? Make sure to make a show out of counting the dice before you roll.

DMing is hard. I acknowledge this. Weaving a story with words for long periods of time means you’re gonna say something silly sometimes when your brain blips. And it’s not your fault that it’s so silly that your players share it around turning it into an inside joke, immortalizing your brain fart moment forever.

My DM was narrating a scene between our tiefling rogue and the NPC she was romancing. He was trying to set the mood for their first kiss, up on a tower overlooking the city, looking into each others eyes. They’d just been on a romantic date, there was a bottle of wine between them. And this was their moment.

The NPC leaned in to kiss the rogue and the kiss was, according to our DM, “long and normal.”

The entire session went off the rails. We became ungovernable creatures of hilarity. How long is normal?

We are informed normal is six seconds and we devolve even further into chaotic paroxysm of laughter. The DM desperately tried to rein us in but for the rest of the session everything took a long and normal amount of time.

My betrothed and I would kiss each other while counting to six in our heads then declare afterward, “Ah yes! Long and normal!”

I accidentally told my school team about it, reasoning that they’d at least never meet the DM who lives out of state. They’d say we needed the scene to be the long and normal length, or hold a pose for a long and normal time.

At the end of the year I invited them to my house for a celebratory meal and was surprised when my DM joined the DnD video call early. My teammates looked at him, expressions slowly spreading into evil grins. “Long and normal!” They greeted him.

He turned a look upon me of utter betrayal while I hustled them out of my house.

“It’s been a year!” He cried at the unfairness.

“Maybe it’ll phase out by next year,” I told him.

Insist the primary distinction between High Elves and Dark Elves is that High Elves aren't here to fuck spiders while Dark Elves are absolutely no questions asked here to fuck spiders.

this looks like a fake ad you’d see in the background of a movie but its real

my orc bard in Pathfinder is named Gronk Ballspeaker

I am sharing the funniest dnd character idea I’ve ever had bc I know I’ll never get to play them and I refuse to keep a joke to myself

Play a warlock character who calls himself Vithimorex or something like that. Always mention how grateful you are to your patron, Frank, for the wondrous powers he gives you.

Slowly reveal that the powers you get from Frank are things like “sense of smell” and “verbal communication”. As it turns out, Vithimorex is an extradimensional Thing possessing the person formerly known as Frank. All the eldritch blasts and shadow conjurations are boring powers according to Vithimorex. He can’t wait for the level 14 ability to understand and appreciate music.

Also, I realized something about the name I made up, so here’s a song:

When the moon splits in two and your nightmares come true, Vithimorex...

When the world seems to bleed since the dead god was freed, Vithimorex...

I see somebody hit level 14

This is the best response I’ve ever seen