♡ann/athena♡

«day 26: nothing more beautiful» one time my dad and I saw a puppy being sold at a parking lot. we got close just to see him closer, but these little guy held my arm and cuddled with me the moment he felt me. he has been by my side since then. it’s an honour to be your human.

«day 24: crossroads» I don’t know why ‘clocks’ gave such a hard time that yesterday I couldn’t put anything up. today I decided that I just need to keep going, and waste my time with clock (ha!). So I made crossroads instead. so I still I am one day behind, but it is okay. I had been drawing a lot, so that is cool.

«day 22: in the distance, a small shape» I hope one day I am strong enough to stop running away.

«day 21: glitch» not having a good mental day tbh, feeling like a glitch in this reality but, at least enjoying the glitch effect in procreate.

travel log 3, jan 13 //

not everything is about traveling, huh. after all, I came here through the university. eventually, I need to go to class.

when I was preparing myself for this semester, I was more worried about the cultural shock, the time zone, the food and the language. deep inside my brain, I knew that the system would differ from what I am used to. I just didn’t realize how much change and shock would be. I am writing this on my second week of classes and I still get lost a little. in my university, I am used to know all the teacher on the literature department, my classmate and friends. I don’t get anxious going to class with them. I know how the university works and each one as their individual way to teach and evaluate. in here, the university is not even close of what I am used to. seminars and lectures. seminars; lots of talking, taking notes, reading beforehand, debate, discussion, small group. lectures; changing professors, not caring about who you are, large classroom, lots of people who some talk to each other, most don’t, everyone is their business. formative essays that doesn’t affect my grade in weeks 5 to 7. submissive essays in the last day of the term which is in march. three weeks of spring break. summer term, just exams. there might be similarities between what I did and what I do now but is practice feels like I am on my first year all over again, but taking classes of second and third year. I know what are they talking about and I capable of continue the conversations, is just that it sometimes feels… odd. but I am getting there, I am happy about it.

outside of the school, I had been trying food around campus. it is good but I am starting to miss my Mexican food. especially when I see people sharing in insta stories. about the cold you might ask? I love it. some days there is like 10 to 20% of snow. I hope I get to see the ground white and play. we shall see about it. // athena, Reading.

Todavía se vale el post de año nuevo. Ya pasaron más de 10 días, y aunque no tengo por qué explicar las razones de esta tardanza, quiero hacerlo. La primera es que estaba enfocada en mi familia, porque no los voy a ver por un largo tiempo. Realmente esa es la razón, voy a estar (estoy) viviendo la aventura más grande de mi vida. Antes de entrar de lleno a eso, quiero decir un par de cosas sobre el año que se nos fue.

2019 fue… interesante. Unos meses parecieron ser pequeños años dentro del mismo (como el verano) pero otros pasaron volando (diciembre). Fuera de esos, hubieron muchos cambios. Dejé la ciudad en la que crecí y con ello mi casa. Me salí de colegios a vivir sola para la universidad. Rectifiqué y valoré a un más cuales son mis verdaderas amistades, tanto las que son nuevas como las viejas. Todo lo anterior, aunque me hizo muy feliz y crecí mucho; hizo que conociera mi punto de quiebre. Ese punto en el que uno voltea al barranco y siente el vértigo, ese. Ver hacia atrás en este año es darme cuenta que cada cosa que pasé me preparó para esta aventura de vivir del otro lado del charco.

Aquí tendría que hablar de mis propósitos de año nuevo. En lo personal, como una lista de proyectos que trabajaré lo mejor que pueda durante todo el año. Estoy emocionada por los retos que me puse. La mayoría son privados pero hay dos que si quiero explicar:

Self-care. Saber mis límites y respetarlos hasta cierta medida. Si me siento muy abrumada para ir a una fiesta: no voy. Quiero salir a caminar: voy. Tengo ganas de cocinar: vale. ¿Una pizza?: vamos por una. ¿Mi cuarto está ordenado? Depende de sí encuentro lo que busco. No me quiero dormir temprano: vamos a jugar sims. Estoy cansada: ¿tik tok?. Lavarme la cara todas las noches, lavarme el pelo aunque me dée flojera. Self-care. Cuidarme. No dejarme ir. Con el balance de tratar y experimenta nuevas cosas, claro.

Quiero luchar más: por mis derechos, por las que ya no están, por mi libertad de expresión, por lo seguridad, por el planeta, por mi familia, por mí. Ya me cansé de quedarme callada porque no quiero pelear. Ya no. 

Vamos, 2020.

Today's prompt is love poem and here is why I don't know how to write about it. 

Love is that one thing that is in everywhere.  But… being in love is another different thing. 

The first time I fell in love, I confused it with a pretty friendship. The second time, I rushed into something that was never actually real. But the third time, oh boy, that time. If I am being honest, that should be considered the first REAL time. 

Love is everywhere, right? In movies, songs, books, series, comics. Everything has a degree of love. Innocent, passionate, platonic, toxic. But as being a little foolish girl I once was, I wanted to experience it so bad. I looked for love wherever I could. Then I found it. I hold tight to this new love so hard. I was not going to allow it to slip through my fingers because I didn't know if I would ever found another one again. 

I hold on with all the power and strength I had until my arms started to bleed and he to die. 

So, I let go. 

S l o w l y. 

… but I kept going back. 

It took me years to heal and let go completely. Years for that love to completely die. 

During this time, I started writing. Poetry and prose. English and spanish. Mashup words and full on texts that are full of angst, cringe, and doubt. All was about love. Most of it, would never see the light of day. They are for me, to learn and remember. So yes, I wrote about love, a lot. Simply because I felt it. The need, the passion, the nostalgia. I was a dark mess of emotions I didn't understand. 

But now, that the love is dead and the emotions buried with it… I can't anymore. I gained practice with writing about friendship, family, hobbies, music, storytelling. However, I started to lack in the love department. 

The realization came to my mind.  I spend to many years trying to be in love that I had never experienced this lack of romance. I mean, I could easily turn the things around and write a love poem to myself or about my best friend or inspired by my dogs or talking about the family that I miss so much. And although poetry can be interpreted however I want and all those poems would be valid because love comes in so many shapes, I would feel like I am cheating. 

So, the truth is… I don't know how to make a love poem feel real and sincere and passionate and caring with me being indifferent to it. 

I am sorry for the absence of love poem today. I am working on loving myself first and then wait for the right person to come into my life.  And when that happens, because I know I will feel that love again I promise, I will write about it. 

But for now, there is so much more to talk and write about.

locus amoenus.

“I shouldn’t remember your birthday when you never say hi I shouldn’t try to speak to you when there is never a response I should have let you go already but September still hunts me I should be mad at you but even through everything, you are my soft spot I don’t cry for you is not worth it I don’t smile at your memories it seems so far away your name doesn’t mean the same gratitude and love that it used to be I am over the place we met I am over the city you left I am over those pretend-to-be friends I am over feeling left behind but you, I wish I was done with you because forgetting me was so easy as if I had never existed at all so this is the last time I press the 'send' bottom and wait for an answer so long and goodnight my dear old best friend”