«day 9: paradox (?)»

to be honest, I am not sure this is a paradox. I think I did more of a never-ending loop. I tried my best, and that's okay. University, life and family have been keeping quite busy, so this poem is more rushed than I would like.

–I need a break–

This town held me safe for six months and saw me grow like I didn’t imagine. It is not a very tourist based place it has an always moving feeling. Between the university and the business building, the town has many opportunities. When I could, I went to the abbey ruins and the museum to learn more about the history of the place. I wanted to visit more park and discover the hidden gems but the pandemic happened. What I did more was wander around the university campus and their green spaces. The river, the gardens, and an empty building became my only exploring ground during the lockdown. Always with safety, of course. I am thankful for my time there and even though I feel like it wasn’t enough. I want to come back and explore what I couldn’t. Thank you, Reading. // athena.

my current ✨little euphoria✨is stormpilot fanart, what about you)

✨ I am open to love, baby ✨

what I saw in my last day in London (june 10th)

https://youtu.be/vN2xYL09-0I

This was my last day in London. Six days (or seven…) before my flight back home. It wasn’t an entire day like the ones I have already share. This is a couple of hours of walking around. Everything was different because the world is. This is a London post-hard-lockdown, post-first Black Lives Matter protests. I even managed to find “No justice, no peace” that the government couldn’t wash out. The city, the people and I changed since my birthday in February. I walked around in the rain with my hands in the same coat; listening to my fav playlist through the same headphones. So I walked in classical UK weather feeling bittersweet. The new landmarks made me feel this exploring euphoria I needed. The moment I went back to the places I already knew, I felt angry. I wasn’t fair that I didn’t get to explore and see what this city has to offer. As dramatic as it sounds, as a tourist as it was, I almost cried in front of Big Ben. I don’t want to go back because there was so much more I wanted to do. It is out of my control and there are other priorities now. So I blinked away the tears and I promised myself: I will come back and I am going to make this city mine. For now, this is goodbye. // athena, London.

pink, like your brain. 💕

To be honest, being forced to stay inside was a blessing and a curse. I am an introvert by heart. My own space gives me comfort and calm. Inside those four walls, I spent two and a half months of my life. It wasn’t productive besides school work. I did not finish the novel I had been working on for almost a year –and I don’t think I will before summer ends–. I didn’t publish anything here because I wasn’t worth to my eyes. I just existed.

I walked around at the university when the stars aligned. Aka, when the weather, the laundry situation and my mental state was coordinated. Besides that my daily walk was going to Park Eat on the campus to get my dinner. I would call my mum at that time. She was doing some cleaning or making food. We would chat or video chat and she would keep me company while I ate my dinner. I think that was the part of my messed up routine that I miss now that I am back home. Walking to the university with the singing birds laying on the trees.

Talking about messed up routine. My bedtime was between 3 - 4 am. I had never seen so many sunrises in such a short time. Most of my night time would be trying to be creative just to fail and sleep all morning. My breakfast was more of a brunch at 1 pm. I had my eight hours of sleep... just a little bit off.

But what quarantine truly gave was the consolidation of two growing obsessions: BTS and star wars. I had been listening to BTS for a year now. The happiness that the band gave me was something else. Musical theatre, twenty-one pilots and BTS were the tunes that kept me company during the lockdown. And Star Wars, this was completely Tiktok's fault. The amount of cosplay, memes, and Kylo Ren edits made me love the universe more. And my emo virgin boy Kylo.

bitter but grateful hometown.

what I saw in London day 1, jan 17 //

after many days of being here, this was the one that opened my eyes. the cold water that caused butterflies in my stomach beneath my winter jacket.

I arrived at Heathrow but I moved straight to reading. I didn’t get to explore the city like most of the students did. I just wanted to get to know the place that I will live for the next six months. but this friday was the day. this wasn’t my first time in London, though. I came here almost six years ago to celebrate my 15th birthday amongst other people of my age. this was the first destination, so I was shy around the other people but so excited. we had a schedule to follow, so it didn’t last as much I wanted to.

this time, I travelled in train to get here, then got lost in the underground and ended up in who knows where. but I am so proud of myself because without the help of anyone (only google maps), I found a way to get to the big ben before the sun was down. I didn’t plan at all but it was the perfect way to arrive. six years ago, we walked next a big beautiful church. it wasn’t interesting at the time but I remembered. this time, when I saw the Westminster Abbey, I teared up. I was there finally, in the same spot as the last time. more grown up, happier, more confidant. the big ben was trapped by metal and workers but still looked gorgeous to me. the same grass that we spent a lot of time taking photos, was now greener than ever and forbidden to people to step on. so, I walked around with tears in my eyes and a smile of my face. maybe I look a dumb tourist but I don’t care. I made it. I am here. walked by the river looking with love eyes to the London eye while Taylor swift sang lover. it feels so good to be alive, man.

what I decided to do with the remains of sunlight? walk to the Buckingham Palace. one, because I didn’t want to get into the underground again. and two, I wanted to properly meet the streets of London that I had dreamt for so many years. and so I did. a long but beautiful walk to see the golden hour and the sunset in the palace. I also saw this place six years ago but I didn’t arrive by the same route. in the video, you can see my reaction. I just couldn’t believe my eyes. but now I do. it was beautiful.

the last thing that I did was to go to king cross. any harry potter fan would already know why. I got to see the platform 9 ¾. I didn’t take the photo because it was a long wait to get there. instead I bought my ravenclaw scarf (that I needed badly). after getting lost in the train station and missing two trains to reading, I finally arrived with a smile in my face.

I can’t wait to go back. // athena, London.

travel log 3, jan 13 //

not everything is about traveling, huh. after all, I came here through the university. eventually, I need to go to class.

when I was preparing myself for this semester, I was more worried about the cultural shock, the time zone, the food and the language. deep inside my brain, I knew that the system would differ from what I am used to. I just didn’t realize how much change and shock would be. I am writing this on my second week of classes and I still get lost a little. in my university, I am used to know all the teacher on the literature department, my classmate and friends. I don’t get anxious going to class with them. I know how the university works and each one as their individual way to teach and evaluate. in here, the university is not even close of what I am used to. seminars and lectures. seminars; lots of talking, taking notes, reading beforehand, debate, discussion, small group. lectures; changing professors, not caring about who you are, large classroom, lots of people who some talk to each other, most don’t, everyone is their business. formative essays that doesn’t affect my grade in weeks 5 to 7. submissive essays in the last day of the term which is in march. three weeks of spring break. summer term, just exams. there might be similarities between what I did and what I do now but is practice feels like I am on my first year all over again, but taking classes of second and third year. I know what are they talking about and I capable of continue the conversations, is just that it sometimes feels… odd. but I am getting there, I am happy about it.

outside of the school, I had been trying food around campus. it is good but I am starting to miss my Mexican food. especially when I see people sharing in insta stories. about the cold you might ask? I love it. some days there is like 10 to 20% of snow. I hope I get to see the ground white and play. we shall see about it. // athena, Reading.

travel log 2, jan 6 //

my first week here. not even first week of classes in the university. nope. a week living here. existing in a different time and space. I want to talk about one thing that blew my mind: the sun decides to begin to disappear at 4 and by the time it is 5:30, is already dark. that alone is so confusing and disoriented. when you think about it closely, make a lot of the sense. England is far up than Mexico. now I plan my day to utilize the sun hours as much as I can. I am still a night owl but I am trying. somedays I feel tired because my body looks out of the window and says, ‘no light, then goodnight’. And yes, yes. the sky is grey in those few hours of sun. does that make me sad? no, I enjoy it. but now, when the sun decided to show up and light up my way back home, I found myself saying ‘oh, what a nice day’. hey, look at me, just a little over a week here and I am already taking about weather.

this week was the introduction one. the university was almost empty. it was a bunch of international students being lost around the campus. it is a universal look, being lost in a university campus. I met so many people. I was scared at the beginning. I am so proud of myself for approaching stranger and make a conversation. some worked out some don’t. and it’s okay because I am challenging myself. beside how anxious and nervous I was, I made some friends. A key point of this week was getting used to Reading (I can move around in bus by myself!), learn how does the university works: lectures, seminars, the buildings, the department, etc. but being more familiar with the culture, weather, manners, the way they drive, the currency, the food and so on.

I am so excited. // athena, Reading.

Todavía se vale el post de año nuevo. Ya pasaron más de 10 días, y aunque no tengo por qué explicar las razones de esta tardanza, quiero hacerlo. La primera es que estaba enfocada en mi familia, porque no los voy a ver por un largo tiempo. Realmente esa es la razón, voy a estar (estoy) viviendo la aventura más grande de mi vida. Antes de entrar de lleno a eso, quiero decir un par de cosas sobre el año que se nos fue.

2019 fue… interesante. Unos meses parecieron ser pequeños años dentro del mismo (como el verano) pero otros pasaron volando (diciembre). Fuera de esos, hubieron muchos cambios. Dejé la ciudad en la que crecí y con ello mi casa. Me salí de colegios a vivir sola para la universidad. Rectifiqué y valoré a un más cuales son mis verdaderas amistades, tanto las que son nuevas como las viejas. Todo lo anterior, aunque me hizo muy feliz y crecí mucho; hizo que conociera mi punto de quiebre. Ese punto en el que uno voltea al barranco y siente el vértigo, ese. Ver hacia atrás en este año es darme cuenta que cada cosa que pasé me preparó para esta aventura de vivir del otro lado del charco.

Aquí tendría que hablar de mis propósitos de año nuevo. En lo personal, como una lista de proyectos que trabajaré lo mejor que pueda durante todo el año. Estoy emocionada por los retos que me puse. La mayoría son privados pero hay dos que si quiero explicar:

Self-care. Saber mis límites y respetarlos hasta cierta medida. Si me siento muy abrumada para ir a una fiesta: no voy. Quiero salir a caminar: voy. Tengo ganas de cocinar: vale. ¿Una pizza?: vamos por una. ¿Mi cuarto está ordenado? Depende de sí encuentro lo que busco. No me quiero dormir temprano: vamos a jugar sims. Estoy cansada: ¿tik tok?. Lavarme la cara todas las noches, lavarme el pelo aunque me dée flojera. Self-care. Cuidarme. No dejarme ir. Con el balance de tratar y experimenta nuevas cosas, claro.

Quiero luchar más: por mis derechos, por las que ya no están, por mi libertad de expresión, por lo seguridad, por el planeta, por mi familia, por mí. Ya me cansé de quedarme callada porque no quiero pelear. Ya no. 

Vamos, 2020.

athena g

Today's prompt is love poem and here is why I don't know how to write about it. 

Love is that one thing that is in everywhere.  But… being in love is another different thing. 

The first time I fell in love, I confused it with a pretty friendship. The second time, I rushed into something that was never actually real. But the third time, oh boy, that time. If I am being honest, that should be considered the first REAL time. 

Love is everywhere, right? In movies, songs, books, series, comics. Everything has a degree of love. Innocent, passionate, platonic, toxic. But as being a little foolish girl I once was, I wanted to experience it so bad. I looked for love wherever I could. Then I found it. I hold tight to this new love so hard. I was not going to allow it to slip through my fingers because I didn't know if I would ever found another one again. 

I hold on with all the power and strength I had until my arms started to bleed and he to die. 

So, I let go. 

S l o w l y. 

… but I kept going back. 

It took me years to heal and let go completely. Years for that love to completely die. 

During this time, I started writing. Poetry and prose. English and spanish. Mashup words and full on texts that are full of angst, cringe, and doubt. All was about love. Most of it, would never see the light of day. They are for me, to learn and remember. So yes, I wrote about love, a lot. Simply because I felt it. The need, the passion, the nostalgia. I was a dark mess of emotions I didn't understand. 

But now, that the love is dead and the emotions buried with it… I can't anymore. I gained practice with writing about friendship, family, hobbies, music, storytelling. However, I started to lack in the love department. 

The realization came to my mind.  I spend to many years trying to be in love that I had never experienced this lack of romance. I mean, I could easily turn the things around and write a love poem to myself or about my best friend or inspired by my dogs or talking about the family that I miss so much. And although poetry can be interpreted however I want and all those poems would be valid because love comes in so many shapes, I would feel like I am cheating. 

So, the truth is… I don't know how to make a love poem feel real and sincere and passionate and caring with me being indifferent to it. 

I am sorry for the absence of love poem today. I am working on loving myself first and then wait for the right person to come into my life.  And when that happens, because I know I will feel that love again I promise, I will write about it. 

But for now, there is so much more to talk and write about.