Dating Someone With BPD

I made the mistake of googling "being in a relationship with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". 95% of the results were articles on how to escape a relationship with someone with BPD, 4% were talking about what monsters we are (the media portrays us as stalkers, abusers, murderers, rapists and psychopaths) and the rest (few that there were) were actually about how to work towards staying in a relationship with people with Borderline, but also all seemed to assume that the person with Borderline wasn't seeking help for their behavior.

I know that I'm not a healthy person to be in a relationship with. I try not to fall into the Borderline modes of thinking and methods of behavior but the problem with personality disorders is that it is genuinely hard for even the person who has it to differentiate between what is their Borderline and what is them.

I have worked so hard not to use my disorder as an excuse for my behavior, but at the same time it is the reason for a lot of it. I am trying to get into DBT to fight against it, but in the meantime I get to stress the fuck out over whether I'm being unintentionally emotionally abusive towards my boyfriend (and if that's why he stays) and whether I am ever justified in any hurt or anger that I feel.

I've been an emotional wreck the last few days, crying for seemingly no reason a lot of the time (and anyone who knows me knows I don't cry) and second guessing all my behavior and actions. It's been a struggle not to pin the blame for all this fear on others (especially my boyfriend) and to accept responsibility while fighting the intense fear of abandonment I struggle with daily. But I'm trying.

It's a slap in the face, to read how many people don't think I'm worth attempting a relationship with simply because I happen to have a disorder born from the trauma I experienced throughout my life. I didn't ask to be like this and I sure as hell fight against it whenever I can, but it's exhausting to constantly second guess your own thoughts and motives, to stop and think "is this rational and logical, or is this the Borderline speaking?"

Everytime I am near sleep fear grips me anew and my thoughts spiral out of control again. I hate this. I hope the psychiatrist calls me soon. I am so ready to change all this, as terrifying as even that thought is. I don't deal well with change. I hope DBT helps change that.