Shabby Shoebox

I talk about my superiority issues!

I think that not being heard as a child combined with constantly being praised for being smart did end up messing me up bad. We love a superiority complex (/s)!

Texting in theory: communication with friends! So fun! Memes! Talk talk talk! ❤️✨

Texting in practice: Oh god I don't have the energy to reply right now, I'm currently in Task Mode not Talk Mode so there is currently no battery allocated for socializing atm. Oh it's been too long, do they think I hate them? If I reply will I have to stay engaged in conversation for a few seconds? Half an hour? How long will this conversation be? When is it okay to step away and do something else? Will they think I hate them if I go too long without responding again? I don't hate them, I love them, I need to figure out how to do this. What tone did they intend this in? How do I ask what tone they meant without coming across as rude? How can I respond in a way that cannot possibly be construed as passive aggressive/rude/dismissive? I want to stay engaged with the task I'm doing, I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I really really enjoy it when I'm in the right "Mode" but each notification feels like an obligation. Why does this feel like a chore? I like talking to my friends, why doesn't it feel like talking to my friends? Why do I feel trapped? Why do I avoid people I love? Oftentimes I'm not even "doing" anything when I don't respond, I'm just in "non social" mode. Even if I know I'll enjoy talking once I get started every unopened message feels like a burden. I shouldn't see texts from people I love this way, I should be happy, they want to talk to me and they love me. Why can't I just be normal about this, why can't I stop avoiding every damn thing?

Just realized my issue with letting go of my anger at my past probably stems from my need to have "real problems". If my "real problems" go away, then I feel as though I can't ask for comfort. I feel like I can't vent about normal things irl because I think they'll be dismissed rather than have my feelings validated.

If my problems are "important" enough...if my conditions and symptoms and emotions are still "bad enough"...Then I can reliably ask for emotional connection and support and RECEIVE IT. It's okay to be vulnerable because the outcome of rejection is low enough it's worth risking getting hurt.

Normally if I would vent about a problem while growing up, and my parents would cut me off with the solution. Yes, a solution is important! That is part of what needs to happen. But what's also important is allowing me to express my emotions about it and receive some emotional validation rather than minimization/dismissal ("if you know how to solve it...then why are you still trying to talk to me about it?").

I feel if I get better the emotional support I am able to get is going to go away again

Sometimes I'm like "even though I'm autistic, I'm pretty good at socializing" and then I routinely panic over text conversations because There's No Tone Or Body Language Please Help Me Oh God Oh Fuck