aggressive front pocket

friends i am all done with tumblr

it never really recovered and that’s sad

i found my reflection for the first time here by accident years ago

all those mirrors are broken now

i’m glad i was here when i was

bye everybody

#s47e172 #1615PDT i’m exhausted and in so much pain i ordered some ramen earlier and then i played some eve online briefly before suddenly crashing for like three hours then i wake up to dump my guts and put some numbing gel on my teeth before hitting my vape and leaning on my heat pad while sitting on an ice pack with an ice pack sitting on me i’m irritable and snappish and sad #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUdtPYwPDgRXvyYXcxv5xRpQtHZ6WEp9o9qswE0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e172 #1053PDT this is honestly a hilarious topdeck, right after i republished a food support cash ask to a wider audience, after failing to reach anyone yesterday the charitable read is i’m focusing on the short term and gathering resources the uncharitable read is that i’m being lazy and greedy but it didn’t feel like admonition it felt like reassurance #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality #dailytarot #dailypull (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUdHvwEPl3kRQwbo966iJ25F0KpvxpPLx-fzFI0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e171 #0738PDT this is yesterday morning, on my way to vaginoplasty site prep electrolysis when we first start, over a year ago, there’s enough hair everywhere in the clearance area that they can just choose a strip and numb it and work on it, which means fairly localized bruising (from the nerve block) and burning (from the actual electrolysis) as we near the end of available hair to remove, they have to hunt and peck smaller groups and sometimes individual hairs that are dispersed over the entire area. the bruising and the burning are now over my entire crotch. i am phenomenally tired, my dishes are backed up and unwashed, and i would benefit greatly from some food support today please never send money you need to: venmo.com/seranine paypal.me/seranine cash.app/$seranine yesterday’s ask went unanswered so i’m asking again but as usual please do not hurt yourself helping me thank you be safe #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUcsICAF4tawNYJVGASkYf3W8U0UimLg6_k5fs0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e171 #1336PDT hey friends, today was kinda rough and we’d love like $30 to order in some ramen please never send money you need to: venmo.com/seranine paypal.me/seranine cash.app/$seranine thank you so much for helping care for me and not hurting yourself doing it be safe #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUa_mMYPVj9xCMcCRXWLlVmAGBCY0AAHwPn3Rc0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e171 #1356PDT i wouldn’t let him on my lap because i’m icing my entire crotch, so he eventually settled for draping himself over part of my outer thigh lmao #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUa3iTRhbbl5YP-_EYx9rqwVL6lpcnHPnoS5SM0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e171 #0920PDT today i will be fully cleared for the second time i ask the office manager whether the aesthetician and the nurse could attest in writing to my continued involuntary pain response after several novocaine injections in one spot, so i could show medicaid a reason they might care about to sedate me for dental work, and everyone says that’s fine after the session i’m surprised but quickly present and reassuring when my body bursts into tears repeatedly it’s a lot to really be conscious of. our unlived life how we’re 46 years old but 27 still feels like a far-off thing that we’ll never reach i’m told if my surgeon could book me for two weeks from now, i could just go and be fine; we’re just being extra-thorough at this point because there is hair to clear, and it is best to clear it. we’re in touch with the end of all this, the other side of recovery from vaginoplasty, the idea of routine care and nothing more, of being able to dance naked freely without being constantly driven apart some of the injections create a sensation like striking the ulnar nerve and i did not know that was possible down there at some point i say, again cis men aren’t doing this and i wish people who’ve been taught to be afraid of me could take like two seconds to realize this #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Queen Anne Medical and Transformative Aesthetics) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUap6JIvVooi8zCvdnFKZ2K2d9yjyOq3iwGpro0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e170 #1537PDT so i'll be streaming the next few days at twitch.tv/seranine and once they let me know i'm an affiliate, i plan to look up what that means, hahaha i have regular (ish) streams with @genderfear of @courtesy.of.calamity on thursdays at 7p and sundays at 5p pacific — you can follow them at twitch.tv/genderfear if you want the complete multi-stream experience #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUYqzX-Jl72OTyaJBew3cJoMYIZKNEi0Kq7tNw0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e170 #1150PDT held a cool conversation with an attorney for the seattle disability hearings office while being constantly actively triggered 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 i don’t remember much of it because i was actively melting down and blowing up and constantly apologizing for it because i know she, personally, didn’t design all this, but i do remember saying a few things: if you think i might be uncomfortable and in need of help, please let me reassure you, both of those things are constantly true i am already disabled that’s why i’m asking for help i need an advocate at every step of this process does the judge know about autistic burnout? because if she doesn’t, she has no standing to sit in judgment over me, she literally has no concept i cannot and will not ever again put my body in a room where someone with zero standing idly speculates about the veracity of what my body and i are constantly surviving, and enters it into the record as near-fact the idea that i just want disability support to avoid paying child support for the children who by the way have been stolen from my body and my life the idea that i’m faking being a woman as part of some grand ruse to steal the poverty wages i’ve already earned from a government devoted to my annihilation, when i don’t remember most of my life and only got to start living it when i fixed my hormones a few years ago read the last thing i personally wrote for this case, read it and then go for a walk and let it sink in, i told her, when she tried to say something about misgendering because people like me aren’t being systematically helped we’re being systematically destroyed then i got off the phone and really fell apart #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUYGQnevJadMz0w1Z7DgjTUYntGtfETFHhhE_U0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e170 #1003PDT i talk about the rockiness with shauntal, my petulance about poverty, the lack of frivolity, and the game i’m going to talk with calamity about making tarot warns loudly and clearly against indulgence and expectance with this very plain topdeck i hear prince singing in my head, maybe i’m just too demanding my body skips ahead (when i go back to try to figure out why, it’s obvious) maybe i’m just like my mother she’s never satisfied sounds like a great day to talk with a friend about gamifying letting go #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality #dailytarot #dailypull (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUX5D3_p6ouosUELoGW6JKDxVv4ImmcaEGDpKg0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e169 #1628PDT i’m getting better at boundaries and i’ve learned that it’s simply practice, which, you know, go figure that just means expressing them in small ways over small things with small connections — acquaintances, or people i’ve just met — so that the movement flows when i face a more intimate boundary violation, and i’m reflexively protecting myself instead of reflexively betraying myself. telling some random gamer in the voice chat who just called an opponent a whore that i’m not okay with whorephobia invites him to consider who he’s hurting, but more importantly, it lets my body feel the ordinary rightness of voicing her pain over whorephobia in her group in the moment, prioritizing that over some idea of “the team” that, with open whorephobia, does not include her, and in fact punishes her for being around when someone calls the group “boys” and i speak up to remind them that’s not the group makeup, it’s practice at saying that to a group, practice at feeling paths out of the pain of that moment, and then taking them, instead of believing they’re not for me because i’ve been terrorized out of even thinking about them practice at understanding: people who need me to be silent about what hurts me only get better at hurting me when i comply and while i keep silent about what hurts me to satisfy the people around me, the people around me will continue to expect and demand my silence in the face of their abuse and i’ll get better at that, like i have for most of my life everything is practice 🐝 #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUXQ2LxFlo7PbIhD1CRpTIDTUQkCRP5fD4Zk-00/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e169 #1552PDT my boundaries keep room near my heart for people who can be gentle with me #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUWRrj_lcAKAdnPV7aGAMUtXVycD12mcUixI3g0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e169 #1328PDT i’m about to be very uncomfortable on the train while some random bearded man in a keep america great hat does a strange kind of four-pole mating dance while looking and pointing at me from across the length of the train car i am on pretty high alert the whole time, once i see him looking at me, air fucking and nodding enthusiastically when i get to electrolysis — cleaning up my brows a bit, while we leave my lower face for laser through january — susan remarks on how clear my face is already, after only two sessions. she agrees i’ll probably be set with the package of six, followed by cleanup electrolysis for whiter hairs and any others missed by laser. she tells me i’m so pretty, and that i probably don’t really understand that but everybody else does “let me tell you what they see,” she says, as i turn towards the mirror “color. clarity. balance.” i’m in my prime, she says my hair is perfect i should schedule more photoshoots she says #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUV6hrhPDOiY9MIJm0zyYrmamFNmpJ8rpWhFDA0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e169 #1318PDT i smile with the flip i’ve seen this card before the first full day without twitter sees me catching up on laundry, including the bedsheets, before cleaning up the kitchen all flowing effortlessly in and out of play time in lotro, which i feel i have time and space to enjoy once more after breakfast and cleaning up the kitchen, i draw this, very warm and large tarot encourages my way and my work #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality #dailytarot #dailypull (at Occupied Duwamish Territory) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUVuNSnhYJ4QaLIwiaeA40ThrNE7Bw1PjzEigo0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e166 #1544PDT i really appreciated the pacing of the meal here. courses came exactly ten minutes apart, and i felt relaxed and never rushed or waiting. today i noticed i was off-balance around my social media use, waiting for attention i wasn’t getting, and upset about it. i checked in with my body, and we made a few changes to restore our balance internally. first, we’re mostly abandoning twitter. i’ve locked my account, and i intend to interact with it once a day, to post my daily outfit photo, since i’ve been running a thread for like a year and a half, and i care about keeping that going on its own merits. also i’ve made my instagram private and i similarly intend to return to my previously broadcast-only publishing style. i’m no longer leaving social media tabs open for the day, and instead mean to engage in a much more purposefully publishing-oriented way, rather than considering it to be truly “social” even after only twelve hours or so of this, i am greatly relieved. i went on to have a wonderful evening playing with friends, streaming to an unusually large (for me) audience, adding new friends, and declaring and holding my boundaries around whorephobia and the casual erasure of women and girls playing video games i am well received about it each time, by cis men, and deeply pleased with the whole thing #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at Jimmy Mac's Roadhouse Renton) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUUNzAYrrEvHR2eF2URRODAGjzJVaeyegrojaI0/?utm_medium=tumblr

#s47e167 #0743PDT i’m meeting my friend jac to give them a few things before they board a plane i didn’t think i’d be able to meet them to deliver these things, but then i found out tai chi class would be in the park today, and i’d have to be at the station by exactly the time they needed me to show up #autistic #adhd #intersex #transgender #BIPOC #csasurvival #mytransreality (at SeaTac/Airport station) https://www.instagram.com/p/CUTr6wLlG7VyAJzo2yDw7kOy1qpO7y5dMLV8xc0/?utm_medium=tumblr