@selfihateyouithink / selfihateyouithink.tumblr.com
what's the difference between libido and attraction
libido: body says NOW
attraction: body says THIS ONE
Oh my god I’m over here thinking its this big hard to explain thing but here you are explaining it perfectly in nine words wtf
I don't know if you've answered this yet, but I think that I'm asexual and am unclear on the difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction. I've seen a couple descriptions, but I'm not sure if sexual attraction is literally just thinking 'yes I want to have sex with that person' or if it's something else. Sometimes I see pictures of people or people that are just super pretty or amazing that I just want to look at, but I wouldn't want to have sex with them. Is that aesthetic?
There is a certain internal pull with sexual attraction that doesn’t happen with aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic attraction is like, “mmm yes I want to stare at you forever because you are that awesome to look at.” Sexual attraction can be the same, plus this sort of… warm, tingly feeling through your whole body, this feeling like all the energy in your body is being pulled toward the person. Even if you’re not thinking “I want to have sex” there is a sort of… edge to it. Like you are either turned on already, or you can tell that you will be turned on if you keep thinking about this person.
And, yeah, sometimes it just ends up feeling like “yes sex plz.” But that’s an oversimplification.
- Sea
The Thinking Asexual, “Women, Passion, and Celibacy | Introduction: Celibacy is Not Hereditary” (via cakewithcaroline)
I’ve been working on a thing.
A thing which is a chart of types of intimacy, applicable to keeping track of both preferences and actual relationships (on separate charts, of course). Basically, I’m tired of how confusing the whole concept of not-really-friendship-or-romance apparently is, of terms being conflated or unclear (like the word “platonic,” for one), and of only being able to refer to relationships on a scale from nonsexual to sexual, or nonromantic to romantic (which is probably related to the usual “sex/romance = something MORE” concept).
Most of the labels are the best I could come up with for now but aren’t that great (because it’s really hard to find existing words that don’t conflate sex/romance or a lack thereof, not to mention words that describe nonsexual relationships that aren’t also super sex-shamey), so they’re not final or anything, but…it’s a start, I think.
For reference:
The actual chart for preference as opposed to relationship types is significantly less interesting to look at, but it also exists.
Why do people find the concept of being sexually attracted to someone without being aesthetically attracted to them so difficult to understand?
It’s literally just “I don’t think you’re pretty, but I want to bang you”.
Come on, I can’t be the only freak for whom the two aren’t connected at all.
im confused when i see people say things like "ASEXUALS CAN BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE AND HAVE SEX AND WANT TO HAVE SEX" like?? doesnt that defeat the point of asexuality?? what is asexuality if not a lack of sexual attraction?
Alright, time for Asexuality 202 and 212 (these are arbitrary number level assignments but they’re bigger than 101 and they flow nicely in my opinion).
So, if you know Asexuality 101 (it seems that you do), then you know that Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. A+ you have passed Asexuality 101.
However, asexuality in all is a pretty complicated subject. So I am going to attempt to answer this question and then explain it to you, so that you get a deeper understanding of asexuality.
This is going to get really long and I apologize. Everything is under the cut.
Two common cross-classifications within the spectrum of asexuality are based on romantic attraction (some asexuals desire romance with one or more genders, and some don’t) and sex drive (some asexuals experience sexual arousal, but without the desire to express it with another person). One way of classifying asexuals is to sort them into the following four basic types:
Type A asexuals, who experience sex drive, but no attraction;
Type B asexuals, who experience romantic or other forms of attraction but do not have sex drives;
Type C asexuals, who experience sex drive and romantic or other forms of attraction, but do not see them as linked;
Type D asexuals, who experience neither.
This classification system was retired, because not all asexual people felt comfortable putting themselves in one of the four categories. However, some still find it useful to reference the concepts of the A, B, C, & D categories at times.
Without the existence of the ABCD classification pointing out obvious differences, it can become easy to lose sight of the great diversity of that asexual people experience. In particular, it can become easy to assume incorrectly that everyone is type D.
(source)
hey, I was wondering if you could tell me anything or extrapolate on the difference between libido/sex drive and sexual attraction? I wasn't aware that there was one but it could clear up a few things for confused lil' ol me :)
Sure!
A short intro before I start; in regards to the asexuality-related portion of this, I speak from my own experience of asexuality and from some online accounts of other asexual spectrum peoples’ experiences but I’m not involved with asexuality online community websites like AVEN (a big asexuality forum) so some of things I might say might not correlate with what the big names have to say. (This is largely because I find their definitions of the asexual spectrum limited and outdated and occasionally elitist.)
Okay here we go:
So for a quick example a lot of allosexual and asexual people masturbate to work off that sexual energy but that doesn’t mean that they’re sexually attracted to themselves. Conversely you might engage in sexual activity with other people and in the process satisfy your libido/sex drive. Libido is “hhh I need to get off sometime soon” and sexual attraction is “I would very much like engage in some sexual conduct with that fine specimen of humanity”. Perhaps another way of putting it is that sexual attraction is directed externally, it’s about being drawn towards other people, but libido is more internal and just about what you need to get done for your body, although it can tie into sexual acts with other people because you’re fulfilling that need while also fulfilling the external attraction to another person - and sexual attraction to another person can also heighten or bring out your libido which is what leads to Tumblr-famed sexual frustration.
As far as I know, not everyone has a super strong libido, it varies from person to person and some may feel the need to get sexual energy out more often than others will - plus it also changes with mood and health and life periods. A common myth is that all asexual people lack a libido or have a low libido. While this is certainly true for some, other people may never or very rarely experience sexual attraction to other people but have strong libidos that they still feel the need to satisfy. Unfortunately asexual people who have libidos and work that energy out either through sex with a partner/s or masturbation are often shamed by some of the asexual community who see it as allosexual people “pretending” to be asexual to invade their space, which is, of course, a crock of shit.
Also note on this topic that asexual people may be repulsed by sex: I find I’m usually like this, it has nothing to do with hating or shaming people who have sex (go you get some), I just get nausea myself unless in specific circumstances in which I can become, like some asexual people, indifferent to sex. Asexual people who are indifferent to sex aren’t necessarily squicked by it or uncomfortable with it and in some cases enjoy sex with their partner/s even though they themselves might not feel sexual attraction. The repulsed/indifferent thing isn’t always an either/or, you can vary between degrees of both or find you’re just one. And of course, you can be utterly repulsed by sex and masturbation and still have a libido, (yeah it’s not the most fun situation to be in).
If you want to know more about how the whole repulsed/indifferent thing can work in relationships between asexual and allosexual people feel free to ask, or indeed ask anything else about asexuality or something you need explained. I’ll stop here now before I give you the full lecture on how asexual people relate to libidos and sexual attraction.
I made a powerpoint on asexuality, as I’ve seen some floating around with incorrect information. Enjoy!
Oh! Totally agree! I'm demi-bisexual myself, and a large part my (attraction? why I'm drawn to him?) to Misha is his general aura, and personality. He's a beautiful man, certainly, and I appreciate him aesthetically, but my sorta crush on him comes more out of who he is as a person. Of course, he's far from perfect (he is human, after all), and I don't know him in person, but I think he's pretty great. And I love his humor and warmth most of all. Er, sorry, this turned into a fangirly thing. Heh
/fistbump of demi solidarity uwu
Right? RIGHT? He really really isn’t perfect at all, but he’s pretty damn awesome, in my experience, and I have a huge emotional connection to him (even if it’s one-sided), so that's entirely influential on whether or not I’d sit on those black-tipped fingers and twist. ;]
(No worries! Fangirl away! Misha is warm and sweet and funny and kind and wow he doesn’t know a lot but he’s always interested to find out what he doesn’t? And he apologizes when he fucks up and then…doesn’t do the thing again. It’s pretty phenomenal. He gets the “you’re a decent white cisdude I’m not eternally upset by” award, I guess. Pretty rank in terms of competition, but he wins my heart over enough! Not to mention–I still have yet to find a term for this but–he’s really easy to idealize and thus crush on in a “I’m not actually gonna ever fuck you, WHEW” way, being so multi-faceted and so open yet evasive.)
I actually think Misha's more attractive now than when he was younger. But to each their own, I guess. (But, seriously, I'm not even on the "older guys are hotter" boat and I'm always surprised by pictures of Misha when he was in his early 20s and such compared to ones in his 30s; he really has gotten better with age, in my opinion).
Agreed! 100% agreed. I’d say it depends, like it does with most, on angles and lighting and shit like that. And, as that anon and you and I are exhibiting, subjective perception. I think Misha is damn fine this season and S4 and as Justin Ferris and Manny Skerritt and in Charmed and in that one fucking off-the-wall movie where he’s trying to make a golf course in a desert…
But then again, sexual attraction for me, I’m well aware, has to do with romantic attraction for me. I’m attracted to the person he is with the aesthetic he has now, so. That might be part of it, for me subjectively.
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND
It boils down to this;
Finding someone sexually attractive: I want to have sex with you.
Finding someone romantically attractive: I want to date you.
Finding someone aesthetically pleasing: I want to draw you.
If it’s all three, you’re fucked.
And then there's a "crush" which is The you/the relationship in my head is better and/or less dangerous than you in real life, so even if I project that on you a little bit and attach to you for that reason, don't take it to heart, cos it's never going anywhere.
(Kind of a mix of aesthetic attraction--a lot of wow you're pretty [think the initial response of Angela Chase to Jordan Catalano]--and an idyllic mental romantic/sexual narrative with no consequences that you never intend to capitalize upon. I know a lot of ace spectrum people who feel this, myself included, because without the sexual demands of the other person ever becoming a factor, it is much easier to indulge in the idea of sexing someone when that desire/possibility is by default hypothetical and thus without threat. [Examples of objects of said crushes usually include fictional people, famous people, or people whose relationship to you or general personality mandates a platonic-only connection, such as teachers, medical practitioners, people you barely like but don't hate, etc.])
A comic about the different types of attraction one might feel. I saw these floating around on tumblr. These were originally taken from a website about asexuality. Although, I think people who are not asexual feel these regularly too. There’s all kinds of attractions for all kinds of people. Enjoy.
My favorite thing about this comic is still Benedict Cumberbatch in the bottom right corner.
