Life philosophy (inherently contradictory, but that's how I roll):
I'm having one of those days. (Where I feel more like Sherlock than ever, especially the Paradox Sherlock whose brain threatens to drive him crazy if he can't focus on one thing that's interesting enough to gather such focus.)
Where everything seems pointless (because it is pointless, but why is it pointless, how do I know that; nothing is certain but I'm certain that it's not, how do I do that?) and I just want to stop.
That's the problem with awareness. The world is inherently fucked up because humanity and when you start thinking about it, you realize how much not-thinking you have to do just to survive everyday life.
Like, just humor me for a second, but tell me this isn't exhausting when you lay it out:
You look around and see people, both people you know and people in the media, wanting sex/romance and not knowing if it's for sure what you want, busting your ass for practically nothing (but what constitutes 'busting your ass' and what constitutes nothing?) in return, watching assholes get everything good (but I'm an asshole, I think; so how do I determine who deserves it?) while you're willing to give shit away but nobody's willing to give you shit (do I deserve it?) to give away to begin with...learning things that nobody's actually certain are true (but some scientific things are proven--does that mean I'm wrong and they can be certain?) so you can get into a job where you're basically a slave to whoever's employed you...
Trying to treat everyone equally but your own brain rebels against that from the get-go 'cause you're so fucking indoctrinated, watching movies and television and reading books and playing video games and knowing you're being told/assured of things that nobody even knows are true/might be harmful to other people.
Eating shit that you don't actually know what's in it (and if you do, you're terrified to eat so much of it) and it can kill you any time, any way, any day. Not ever being sure you'll continue to live after a choice you make. Not being sure how you got here or where you're going afterward. Being annoyed by everyone who seems so sure but your brain convinces you you're sure that you're unsure, which is a damn contradiction in the first place.
I rarely have suicidal thoughts (and I think they're necessary, they are, in order to visualize the reality of dying under your own control and step back from that extreme) but when I do, it's never because I'm sad or upset or self-pitying. (Not that I don't have those moments; I do.)
It's just to stop thinking. Stop doing, stop saying, stop learning, stop working, stop relating, stop living in a world that's against you from the beginning.
Everything is so pointless until you give it a point, and sometimes I just want to be pointless, I want to not have to do it anymore.
Anyway. It's not like I'd ever do it, but that's the only time I feel suicidal.
The reason I stay isn't for people (or if it is, it's in small part), though, it's because I'd miss it.
Yeah, all that shit's a pain in the ass, and when I'm not focusing on something specific, my brain threatens to drive me to stab it in the face.
I'd miss movies and television and books and games and county fairs and food that tastes good and amusement parks and writing and reading and music.
Fuzzy blankets and cocoa and rainstorms and riding in a truck bed and crying over something heartbreaking and squealing in utter physical joy when something's not, and cupcakes and HIM and fandom and cool breezes and talking and reading and laughing and that moment of yeah I totally get it when someone says something.
Conversations that are so good you have to record them so you can laugh again later, and people doing what they do well (actors, writers, directors, authors, musicians).
Kittens and a skirt that twirls the right way and the first time something scares you (but you go back so you can be scared again and again or laugh at yourself for the first time) and being able to say remember that time and meeting someone you admire more than you admire yourself (which is a lot, for me, to begin with) and freaking out over things and hugging and proposing marriage to strangers online and hating things because they're so wrong but knowing things are right (whether it's possible to be certain or not) by comparison.
I would miss. all of this.
Not in a "I wish I were there" kind of way, because I firmly believe once you're dead, you don't miss anything in that way. Not justifiably by anything but my own logic, but I believe that, so it's not like a "I'd be nostalgic for this" kind of thing. It wouldn't be saudade.
Just miss as in, wouldn't be here for.
Whether or not it's pointless and exhausting and annoying and I hate people, which make up so much of it, and I hate a lot of things that make up the people I hate and everything else that isn't semantically people (all the intangible concepts and all the horrible natural things that exist), whether or not it's anomalous that I'm here or I was made for some grand design...
I genuinely love life. I love life.
I would not want to not be here to do those things. To learn, to argue, to fight, to laugh, to cry, to sleep, to read, to write, to listen, to feel.
And that, to me, makes all the difference.
Someone once asked me why I'm so strong.
They asked me why I don't bend under all the things that make me angry or upset and why if I hate so much about the world (including myself) I'm still in it.
They asked me how I can live every day knowing my mom is dead and I don't have an 'other' and a lot of people don't like me and I can be a total douche.
And I told them, "It's an inner strength I can't explain. You either have it or you don't".
And I'm finding that the reason for that strength is I really love life. That's the long and short of it.
I wouldn't call myself a 'happy person'. I wouldn't call myself optimistic.
I know people who seem to think that that goes hand in hand with "actually wants to live".
And I'm not all that empathic and I'm a super-cynical (:cough: realistic, imho) skeptic.
But you can live a positive life with a negative mind. This is full of shit, which is what I wrote when I posted it.
I know that "ignorance is bliss" but they don't have to be synonymous. You can know the score and live to tell the tale. Not exist, not survive, live.
/random self-aware philosophizing.
