round and round the winchesters go

I have never related to a quote more in my life than I do this one right here, right now.  (via kbfoto)

A lot of the advice I got about learning to enforce my boundaries was framed as an adversarial thing. Like, ‘yes, it might upset and disappoint the people around you, but you have to learn to tell them ‘no’ anyway.’ At best, ‘good people will still like you if you enforce your boundaries’.

What I wish I’d been told is that good people will think it’s awesome that you enforce your boundaries, that there are people who will respect the hell out of you for it, that there are people who will admire you not despite you telling them no, but because of it. That most people don’t want to make you do something you don’t enjoy,and so they’ll actively be happier and more relaxed around you if they know they can trust you to decline to do things you don’t enjoy and to ask them to stop things that bother you.

It helped me a lot, personally, to stop thinking of ‘enforcing my boundaries’ as something I did for me and more as something I did to empower the people I was close with, to build a situation where they and I felt sure everything that was going on was something we all wanted.

Most advice isn’t good for everyone and this advice seems maybe bad for people in abusive situations, because sometimes you do need to learn to enforce boundaries against people who will try to violate them. But if there are other brains like me out there: your partner will be really happy you can say no to them. your friend will be really happy you change the subject when you hate it. your roommate will really appreciate that you tell them to turn down the music. most people will feel safer and more comfortable around you if they know you’ll reliably express your needs, AND they’ll feel better about voicing theirs.

"To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." - Clara Ortega

LIKE

okay I get that celebrations and ceremony is not everyone’s jam and I’ve had bad valentines’ and bad christmasses and bad every type of holiday but I am enormously attached to this idea that every year, we set aside a couple days to actively celebrate the important people in our lives.

mother’s day, father’s day, valentines, birthdays—these are not just meaningless distinctions they’re not ploys to sell things these are days when we are meant to take time out of the monotony and self-involvement of our daily lives and lift our gaze and remind other people that they are vital to us, remind ourselves that we are not alone in this

it is so easy in this world to treat other people as though they come with the whole “breathing and having a pulse” package, but the people you love, the people who are good to you, they are an immense privilege, and sometimes that gets lost, goes uncommunicated, is forgotten. Having holidays reminds us.

and no, chocolates or flowers or whatever material item we’re railing against can never repay that debt. It’s not meant to. It’s a token, it’s a recognition of the way this person has wound themselves through your life, something to anchor all that immense gratitude and love to, so it cannot go unseen and forgotten. ceremonies anchor our lives to greater things, and goddamn that is fucking important.

I feel like mainstream society’s perceptions of “healthy” relationships are so dangerous, toxic, and, ultimately, responsible for many missed opportunities.

For the most part, things are pretty much grouped into three extremely rigid areas: familial relationships, which must consist of strong, timeless bonds; friendships, which are viewed as necessary yet only healthy in certain amounts and to certain degrees; and sexual-romantic relationships, which are prized above all else as the golden tickets of relationships. 

Maybe I just like to throw a wrench into things, but I feel that by following these guidelines some people are missing chances for meaningful relationships. 

Think about what you might miss when forced to comply to Relationship Standards and Terms of Agreement: 

It’s limiting how much you can love your friends, yet demanding you love your family. Concurrently, it’s telling you that if you care too much about your friends you’re weird, but if you don’t care enough you’re emotionless. If you don’t eventually end up with a partner you’re missing out, but if you date someone on the internet you’re lacking the quintessence of a relationship. Sex* is necessary, but so is romance*, and you must get both from the same person, at the same time. (*Footnote: while absolutely necessary, both are only healthy in moderation.)

All family members are on this level, all friends are on this level, your romantic-sexual relationship at the tippy top. There is no variation. This relationship must meet this criteria. It must. No mixing and matching with other relationships. No half-way points. No passing go. Do not collect $200. No, your happiness does not matter.

Doesn’t this seem ridiculous? I’m exhausted just thinking about it. 

Here’s a different way of thinking about things: If someone makes you feel fulfilled, in any way that vacillates a positive state of being, your relationship with them is good. Likewise, if someone makes you feel shitty, you are under no obligations to care for them.

You shouldn’t be worrying about whether or not you’re too close to a person, or care about them too much. Different people have different emotional and sexual needs, in different capacities, and how those needs are satisfied are equally as varied. If everyone involved is satisfied with the situation, go for it. Don’t worry if your best friend is crossing into romantic territory. Who is to say what is romantic and non-romantic territory? You wanna hold your best friend’s hand? Hold your best friend’s hand. Do it. 

Don’t miss an opportunity to connect with people because of preconceived notions. Don’t feel obligated to care. Forget the hierarchy, forget the rules. It’s too exhausting to remember them all, anyway. 

you know, if anything turns me into a spazing puddle on the floor, it’s castiel acting bratty.  maybe bratty isn’t the right word for it.  castiel being determinedly obtuse over dean’s jokes, castiel deliberately being a little shit to dean or sam.  

here the thing: when you deliberately go out of your way to be a crank, a grump, a grouch, it’s sometimes because you’re trying out this bid for attention.  a little childish - yeah.  kids do that all the time.  kids don’t do that when they’re feeling scared, worried, sad.  that’s something else entirely.  but when you’re maybe feeling a little needy, maybe you just want someone to look at you and pay you some attention, maybe you want them to make an effort to sweet-talk you out of your bad mood, you might do bratty things, like messing with their stuff, or walk around sighing dramatically until someone asks you what’s wrong.  it’s a way of saying, please give me some reassurance that you still like me even when i’m being a brat to you. it’s when people don’t look at you, when people don’t respond, when you’re ignored - that’s the worst thing of all, because they don’t care.

you don’t act like a brat around people you don’t know well.  you don’t act like a brat around people that make you anxious or scared.  you don’t act like a brat around people you don’t feel some level of intimate friendship with.  as strange as it may sound, you don’t act like a brat around people you don’t really, really like.  you might be a jerk to some stranger you take an instant dislike to or cut off at an intersection, but being a brat? that’s something specially reserved for being around your family.

and it makes my heart flutter every time cas does something bratty in canon or in fic because of all that.  cas is stiff when he’s feeling insecure and wants his dignity to remain intact, he can be ruthless and cunning and determined in his actions, he can be a cutie pie who smiles at strangers and rescues kittens out of trees, and he can be an obnoxious little shit to the people he feels most comfortable with, the ones he knows aren’t going to push him away just because he’s in a bad mood and being a grump, and, heaven help me, the ones who might even find him pretty damn lovable despite it.

in my family i’m the ‘computer whiz’ cause i understand that when u open a new window the previous one isn’t gone 

why are parents allowed to yell and scream at their children and call them names and just make them feel like shit in general…

but when kids try to defend themselves…. its disrespectful?

BULLYING IS BULLYING NO MATTER WHO IT COMES FROM.

IT JUST HURTS A FUCKLOAD A LOT MORE WHEN ITS COMING FROM PEOPLE YOU TRUST

FUCK OFF.