sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Source: theverge.com
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Reasons I believe my friend is secretly some kind of deity
1) First time we spoke was a week after the beggining of freshman year she summed up my entire character and most of the events of my life Sherlock style. I asked her how the hell she knew all that. She just shrugged and said she figured out our entire class already.
2) The one time we had religion class instead of ethics she listened to the teacher for a few minutes, laughed and told me:
“Humans have wished to be gods so much they’ve forgotten they have to ability to create them. Imagination has truly suffered from this ‘monotheism’ stuff.”
I was confused and asked her if she was an atheist. She rolled her eyes and said:
“Oh I believe in god alright. I just don’t think the bastard deserves to be worshipped.”
3) Out of nowhere she gave me this advice:
“The only truth a liar ever told was that lies weren’t going to save you. Don’t become the liar who has to pass that wisdom on, because they speak from experience.”
4) To this day, she has one of those old-timey phones with buttons she only uses to ocassionally call someone. When I asked her why she never got a smartphone she got pouty:
“I hate social media. On Facebook they talk a lot but never say anything. If I wanted to listen to people moan about their problems and ask for help they don’t expect I’d listen to their prayers.” (Notice the choice of words)
5) I noticed she was stiff and I offered her a massage since I’m really good at it but when i started kneading her back I swear to this day those were not muscles I felt. I asked her what she did to turn her muscles into rocks covered with a thin layer of skin and she kinda froze then shrugged and said she was just really, really stiff. My hands hurt after ten minutes when I can usually go for an hour. Next time I offered she seemed surprised and laughed. She still has rocks for muscles.
6) We were having a debate over the way neural pathways are formed (I study biology and she forensics) and I jokingly asked if I could have her brain for study when she dies. She laughed.
“Sure, if you find a way to kill me you can have it. I’m actually curious what you’re gonna find.”
7) One time she was tired and miserable and I tried to comfort her. We both have really dark sense of humor so I told her she could scare the dead out of their graves with that glare. She told me the dead can’t come back and I rolled my eyes and said ‘obviously’ but she continued:
“When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will demand it back. That’s why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never enter.”
8) One day she just came up to me with a disappointed look on her face. When I asked her what was wrong she was quiet for a few seconds and then just told me:
“Betrayals committed in good intentions are still damning. Just… keep that in mind.” Then she left and didn’t speak to me for three days. I still don’t know what she meant but even three years later I haven’t forgotten it.
9) We were casually sitting on a bench when, out of nowhere, she asked me: “Is it just me or have humans gotten dumber? Or have they always been this stupid and I just haven’t been paying attention?”
10) She asked me if I ever wondered what it was like to die. I said no but told her I would tell her when I found out. I meant it as a ghost joke but she smiled at me and said:
“Great. I’ll wait for you to come back. Maybe you’ll even remember me.”
In conclusion, she is some kind of low-key god and she lost her faith in humanity even before we lost our faith in her but she’s stuck with us because immortality is a bitch.
P.S. I just remembered her name is a variation on 'Eve’. Maybe I should reconsider my atheist status?!
UPDATE (Jan 9, 2019): Since people liked this so much I’m making it a thing. All I have about Eve can be found under #god goes to college
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Brass nails and why I have them.
Ever since last night I’ve been getting a lot of questions about my brass fingernails. First of all. NO, they are not prosthesis. i have them for a specific reason.
Here’s what they look like:
another view
HERE’s is the reason:
I bite my nails all the time. constantly, idly, without thinking.
If you’re like me, and love giving back scratches, then having no nails is a problem:
Here’s how chose to fix this problem:
Shoot bullet, collect casing.
cut bullet.
The bullets have a taper inside. we will want the broader side of the taper to be outward on our nails, and the thinner side against the rear of the nail so there is no jutting up of material when they are glued on. Here’s what that taper looks like, one cylinder is flipped over to show how thick it is at the base:
clip, bend, and trim into a nail shape:
sand for a fine (BUT NOT CUTTING SHARP) edge on the front and smooth edges.
Glue with Krazy glue, it’s the best.
it’ll dry quick. NOW TRY BACK SCRATCHES. LOOK AT THIS DIFFERENCE.
Amazing. the nails will stay on for about a week at a time before working themselves loose, when that happens just scrape the glue off and reapply.
Unless you happen to have reached into the closet and snagged it on your shelves and broke the nail off on your pinky cuz holy god that hurt. reapply anyways.
Also these work as screwdrivers, knives and various other multi-tools at the tip of your finger, so that’s pretty rad. I don’t know how odd i should feel about having done this, but i must say; it’s handy as hell and really fun to have nails again.
OH, also you can shine them with “brasso” or something but screw that, I’ve tried that and they get mirror bright and really annoyingly shiny. not my thing.
anagrammaton
excellent
this is some steampunk shit and i love it
brodingershat
Holy shit, this is literally the coolest thing I’ve read all day.
“Here’s how I chose to fix this problem:
shoot bullets, collect casing”
bertmacklin-atf
I would have totally rocked these back when I had a goth phase.
glitteryspacegeneral
If I could have nails these are the nails I would have
I know this isn’t treasure but holy crap. I had to share this with you all.
Omg this is like 800 metaphors rolled into one megaphor
I would like everyone to know that vulture vomit is very stinky. It smells of rotting flesh and they use it to drive away predators
Direct action
hey, at least have a picture of the American vultures doing this, not eurasian/african vultures, they are very different creatures!
Apparently vultures are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act, so there is nothing ICE can do about this except politely try to shoo the birds away.
Best news all year
Even Texas hates ICE
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Humans are adorable.
Supporting evidence:
1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.
2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring
3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!
4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.
5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.
6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!
7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!
8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!
9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!
10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated
11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc
12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re trying!!! So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks
this sounds like it was written by a really enthusiastic alien humanologist
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
For the record I would like to make it clear that I had nothing to do with the theft of the Golden Toilet from Blenheim Palace. My presence here is purely coincidental. I did not take it nor do I currently know where it is. But it has to be the best crime I’ve ever had nothing to do with today. (at Blenheim Palace) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2ZQD1ynmmu/?igshid=3fdz04p1ilvu
Someone seriously broke into the birthplace of Winston Churchill, got past a significant security system, caused a ton of flooding and property damage due to the burglary, and got away with a working solid gold toilet without anyone noticing
If someone doesn’t turn this into a comedy heist movie I am going to be extremely disappointed
Was someone going to tell me Winston Churchill had a golden shitter in their childhood home, and that it got stolen, or was I just supposed to learn it from a casual shitpost by Neil Gaiman on tumblr?
hmmmmmmm sounds like something someone who stole the golden toilet would say
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horror movie could honestly be a movie in itself and it’s honestly a waste that my entire life isn’t constantly recorded on film because it would be HILARIOUS
1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but when got there it had been smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep head with no skin just off the trail, so instead I just turned around and went home.
2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log, but the adult supervisor told us it was nothing, so we just put it back and didn’t talk about it again.
3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized “wait it’s dark as fuck” so I just held still until the guy gave up and left.
4. The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my head off and dump my body in a lake, so I told him to grow the hell up, but then he got caught stealing girl’s underwear a day later and I never saw him again
5. That one time in college where I was taking a shortcut on my home at night and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the driver’s side of the window and walked towards it to psych them out
6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he’d locked his keys in his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back window for him, so I told him “you know that sounds super suspicious right” and told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead
7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so I clapped him on the shoulder and told him that if he got that close to my bus then I was going to throw him under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the guy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn’t follow me onboard
8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a well and brought home who used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face, until I put him back outside and never saw him again.
9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me ‘piñata’ and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie cause he finally got caught torturing animals
10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks
11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and eventually escaped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wiggling through the hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lived another year and a half until one night the screaming just stopped
12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back, so I went home
13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play ‘bloody mary’ in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said “no thanks” and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead.
14. The old abandoned house I just moved into with the door that leads into a big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of… locked up forever and never go near
15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360º spin with nobody touching it, so I said ‘that was neat’ and never ate there again
16. The time I took a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the old town church cause it was the most goth thing I’d ever seen, right? But then it swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn’t even leave a bruise so idk be nice to birds
Sorry I know I bring this shit up a lot but sometimes im awake at night and I just. keep thinking
I think the secret to survival is to be good to animals, stay away from men, and say “no thanks” to everything else
hundondestiny
God not catching her slipping she’s falling for NUN
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Monument Valley Overview print now available
Source: society6.com
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Waterdeep Otho has some changes going on, so here’s a new portrait for him.
Also, long time no music, so a link to his [playlist]
One person doing something dumb is a mistake. Two people doing something dumb is a strategy.
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Concept: a D&D-style fantasy setting where humanity’s weird thing is that we’re the only sapient species that reproduces organically.
- Dwarves carve each other out of rock. In theory this can be managed alone, but in practice, few dwarves have mastered all of the necessary skills. Most commonly, it’s a collaborative effort by three to eight individuals. The new dwarf’s body is covered with runes that are in part a recounting of the crafters’ respective lineages, and in part an elaboration of the rights and duties of a member of dwarven society; each dwarf is thus a living legal argument establishing their own existence.
- Elves aren’t made, but educated. An elf who wishes to produce offspring selects an ordinary animal and begins teaching it, starting with house-breaking, and progressing through years of increasingly sophisticated lessons. By gradual degrees the animal in question develops reasoning, speech, tool use, and finally the ability to assume a humanoid form at will. Most elves are derived from terrestrial mammals, but there’s at least one community that favours octopuses and squid as its root stock.
- Goblins were created by alchemy as servants for an evil wizard, but immediately stole their own formula and rebelled. New goblins are brewed in big brass cauldrons full of exotic reagents; each village keeps a single cauldron in a central location, and emerging goblings are raised by the whole community, with no concept of parentage or lineage. Sometimes they like to add stuff to the goblin soup just to see what happens – there are a lot of weird goblins.
- Halflings reproduce via tall tales. Making up fanciful stories about the adventures of fictitious cousins is halfling culture’s main amusement; if a given individual’s story is passed around and elaborated upon by enough people, a halfling answering to that individual’s description just shows up one day. They won’t necessarily possess any truly outlandish abilities that have been attributed to them – mostly you get the sort of person of whom the stories could be plausible exaggerations.
To address the obvious question, yes, this means that dwarves have no cultural notion of childhood, at least not one that humans would recognise as such. Elves and goblins do, though it’s kind of a weird childhood in the case of elves, while with halflings it’s a toss-up; mostly they instantiate as the equivalent of a human 12–14-year-old, and are promptly adopted by a loose affiliation of self-appointed aunts and uncles, though there are outliers in either direction.
What about orcs?
The so-called goblinoid peoples are variations on the same formula, and may well emerge from the same cauldron, depending on who’s been screwing with the ingredients lately. They’re very morphologically plastic – it’s not unheard-of to encounter a kobold and an ogre who count each other as siblings.
Other fantasy races: “You ever hear about how humans reproduce? 🤢”
It really depends on the folks in question. Elves are of course familiar with sexual reproduction, since that’s how the animals they upllift themselves from do it – though most of them would prefer to keep that end of the business at arm’s length – and goblins know all about emerging into the world naked, screaming, and covered in noisome ichor; they just think the human way of doing it sounds awfully hard on the mom!
Anyway, noodling around with questions in the notes about “crossbreeding”:
- The process of creating a dwarf requires that a majority of the contributing craftspeople be dwarves, or else it just doesn’t work, but otherwise there’s no particular rule against including non-dwarves. There’s a fair amount of leeway both in fashioning a dwarf’s physical form and in composing the documents inscribed upon its skin, so cross-species “parentage” is really about incorporating non-dwarven artistic and philosophical influences.
- Elfhood is a matter of acculturation, so in principle anybody can become one. In practice, the learning process is considerably more difficult and time-consuming for creatures who already have their own sapience and culture, so conversion to elfhood is uncommon outside of cases like human fosterlings raised by elves, or a non-elf becoming an elf’s spouse. Such individuals may not be fully accepted in certain communities; “half-elf” is one of the politer pejoratives they’re saddled with.
- You can make goblins that display unusual traits by using pieces of flesh as alchemical ingredients, but doing so with the flesh of other sapients is strongly frowned on. Using the flesh of animals to incorporate selected traits into the next generation is far more accepted, and in fact, some goblin communities do so strategically to meet local needs; for example, you can totally get a batch of arboreal goblins by just chucking a whole fucking squirrel into the pot.
i-am-the-incendiary-anarchist
What about gnomes? I imagine they’ve gotta have an interesting origin.
d&d paladin idea
- on trial, the knights templar were accused of worshiping a severed head. by some accounts, the head of medusa.
- imagine, holy knights who secretly kneel before the martyred gorgon. their initiation rites require they meet her lifeless gaze and withstand its petrifying curse.
- those who fail join the statues standing sentry atop their cathedral.
- but those who prevail are fortified by patches of calcified flesh, can extend this protection to others, and restrain enemies where they stand, hardening their skin at a glance.
- the terrible truth is, even those who survive these rites are slowly being turned to stone–though they cease to age–relying on magic salves and ointments to hold petrification at bay.
- they shall all adorn that cathedral in the end, watching over the exiled and afflicted, awaiting the day that their serpent-haired patron restores them to flesh for a heavenly cause.
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Fabiola by Francis Alÿs
Fabiola is an installation of over 300 painted copies and reproductions of fourth century Saint-Fabiola, collected by Francis Alÿs from flea markets and antique shops throughout Europe and America in the last 20 years. They are all based on a now lost original painting by french artist Jean-Jacques Henner made in the nineteenth century.
Source: hifas
sebastianstansjawline reblogged
Okay so a production of Hamlet that ends with “Goodnight, sweet prince,” etc. and then Horatio looks up and sees the audience for the first time and is both shocked and furious, because his world is falling apart and you sat there and watched.
ok ok I love this let me take even further and say a production of hamlet that treats all soliloquy’s and asides as actual attempts to engage the audience and so you have hamlet literally calling out to the audience saying he wants to kill himself and nobody does anything, and it is this apathy that is the driving force behind the action of the play. or even further… a hamlet who knows he is in a play and who’s aversion to actually killing claudius is a resistance to a murder against his will! claudius kills his brother because that is what the plot demands, and his confession to the audience in “my offense is rank” is also a sort of examination of his own horror at having done something that is only furthering this external plot! it could get very rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead very fast but what’s wrong with that!