#jemily – @scorpsik on Tumblr

Uhm, I am very new to Tumblr and I am an old lady and don't know how to work it properly LMAO But as well as painting, I also write. Here is an angsty Emily/JJ Paris fic. Also on A03 https://archiveofourown.org/works/43893136

Don't Leave Me Alone

The drive here was quiet. After their easy conversation in the jet, anxiety had begun to flood Emily as soon as the wheels hit the tarmac here in Paris. The driver – one of Clyde’s guys, no doubt – ferried them from the airport and JJ tried to make conversation, noting the sights that were new to her, but Emily just couldn’t force words from her throat. It wasn’t until they were inside her new home that she managed to speak.

“Hey, it’s not bad.” JJ nodded as she set their bags in the hall and regarded the small but modern flat. “What do you think, Em?”

Emily nodded, then realised she hadn’t spoken. She cleared her throat, her voice a little croaky. “Yeah. Clyde did good.”

JJ ushered Emily into the sitting room and sat her down. “Coffee? I think Clyde would have made sure there’d be some here for you.”

Emily laughed softly. “Cigarettes too if he knows me well enough.”

“Since when do you smoke?” JJ asked.

“Since forever off and on. Besides, we’re in Paris: it’s rude not to.”

JJ fixed them both a coffee and sat beside Emily. “You lived in Paris before, right?”

Emily nodded. “A couple of times – with my mom’s job.”

“Did you like it?”

A shrug. “Kinda. Everywhere – every country – they’re pretty much the same for diplomatic circles – same sort of homes; same functions; same fat old assholes to mix with.” She looked up at JJ and decided to try harder to be upbeat. For JJ’s sake. She really didn’t want to have JJ fretting about her when she leaves. “Uh…when I got the chance to sneak out by myself and look around, it was pretty cool. I like the language and the people here.”

JJ offered a half smile. “It won’t be forever.” She said softly.

Emily didn’t answer, she just took a sip of her coffee. ‘Forever’. Things had already changed ‘forever’. Her body… her mind. Her friendships. “How are the others? Reid? Morgan? Everyone?” she asked. She asked on the jet too, but found herself needing to know again, needing to hear their names so she could picture them in her mind, needing to say their names aloud so that they felt like they were with her.

“Still hurting.” JJ replied honestly. “You know that, Em. Don’t think about it.”

“Hard not to, y’know? I..It’s only been a couple of weeks and I miss them, JJ. I really miss them.” She paused and chewed at her lip. “Have you… seen my mom? Or my dad?”

JJ nodded. “Yeah. They’re pretty broken up.”

Emily nodded and stared into her coffee mug. “We never were close – you know that. I used to think they hated me, y’’know, when I was a kid. I still figured they don’t exactly like me. They’re proud of what I’ve achieved, I know that, but…I never was what they wanted in a kid. But… if they’re that upset, then maybe I was wrong. I…I really didn’t want them to be upset. To have to grieve.” She shook her head. “Shit Jayje… what the Hell do I say when I come back? IF I come back. How do I apologise to them for this?”

JJ shook her head. “I …I don’t know, Em.”

“What a fucking mess.” Emily breathed, wincing as a pain shot across her stomach.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just a pain.”

“You should try and rest. Relax.” JJ said.

Emily snorted. “Right.” She sighed at the sarcastic way that sounded. “Sorry. I know you’re just trying to help. And I’m a lousy patient. Sorry.”

“Don’t sweat it.” JJ smiled. “Look…I’m gonna go out and get you some things. Clyde’s provided the basics, but a girl needs more than that, right?” She paused. “Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

Emily scoffed. “How much trouble can I get into here?”

JJ raised a brow. “YOU Emily Prentiss? You really want me to answer that?” She watched Emily’s face – there was a smile! It was strained and weak, but it was a smile! “I’ll be back in an hour.” JJ assured her.

Emily nodded. “I’ll be fine. Really.”

“Clothes, food, a few toiletries… hair dye, right?”

“Don’t forget the wine.”

JJ chuckled. “With your meds? Uh-uh, Prentiss.”

“Trouble-fete.” Emily muttered.

JJ frowned. “Hey, no fair… what did you say?”

“Spoilsport.”

JJ grinned and squeezed Emily’s arm and placed a soft kiss on her cheek. “Be back soon, hon.”

Emily watched her go, her heart beginning to race as soon as the blonde was out of sight. She could feel her chest tightening and her breathing getting faster and she willed herself to calm down. She closed her eyes and focussed on her breathing. Three fucking seconds. That’s how long she was alone before the panic started to rise. Three fucking seconds.

“Christ Prentiss, you gotta get a grip.” She hissed at herself. “In 48 hours you’re gonna be alone for a lot longer than three damn seconds.” She sighed sadly. “A lot longer.” She wandered across to the little kitchenette, poured a glass of water and threw a painkiller down her throat. She was trying to wean herself off them, but the tightening of her chest seemed to be making her stomach wound tug and …shit, it wasn’t that it was particularly painful anymore, but… it was nice to be able to blur the edges of everything for a few hours.

She padded to the bedroom and sat heavily on the edge of the bed. It was quiet. She couldn’t ever remember a silence like this. In the hospital, there was always noise – monitors, footfalls, doors opening and closing, nurses on rounds. And on the jet here, there was the sound of the engine… JJ’s voice. But here, now, she was truly alone. She closed her eyes and listened to the faint murmur of life from outside on the street – but it was getting late now and this was a quiet part of the city.

She licked her lips and stood before the mirror, shedding her shirt and removing the bandage around her middle. Her eyes stared at her stomach, deliberately avoiding rising higher to her breast and the hateful mark that Ian left her with. She let the bandage fall away and moved closer to the mirror, tilting it slightly so she could see the wound more clearly.

“Ugh.” She groaned. It was ugly and large and red. It distorted her shape, leaving small lumps and crevices where the flesh was once smooth and pale and perfect. “Fuck.” She sighed, poking it distastefully. Scars weren’t a new thing for her – she had more than a few already… but they were faded and fine and…this THING was monstrous. Her rebellious eyes moved defiantly to her breast, to the healed brand. The light caught the edges of its shape and her stomach turned over in revulsion at the memory of how it felt… how it smelled… to have that clover burned into her.

She could feel sweat on her brow and upper lip just from looking at those damn wounds. She didn’t want to look at them, let alone touch them and clean them. She stared at herself for a long time. “Hello body.” She said absently to her reflection. “This is you now. Me now.” She ran her hands over the breast that was still in tact and unsullied, then trailed her hand across to the other, her fingers stuttering as they reached the brand. “Still me.” She breathed, the pads of her fingers brushing over the scar.

Taking a deep breath, she let her hands drift down her abdomen and to the big wound. Part of it was completely numb to the touch and would probably be numb forever… and parts were tender and made her stomach flip unpleasantly when she touched there. “I guess those bikini days are over.” She said to her reflection, before bursting out laughing - and almost immediately the laugh became a wailing sob.

Emily swallowed her cry down and wiped quickly at her eyes. “Don’t you cry, Prentiss.” She whispered, pulling her shirt back on and hastily refastening the buttons. She heard the front door close and she wiped her eyes once more.

“I’m back.” JJ called from down the hall.

“Yeah. Be there in a sec.” Emily called back to her, exhaling and checking her face in the mirror. Her eyes were a little red, but she figured JJ wouldn’t make a ‘thing’ of it. She found JJ in the kitchen unloading bags of groceries.

“I got plenty of meat and veg – you need vitamins and fibre and protein, so there’s beef and chicken and pasta…” she paused and regarded her friend. “I just… I bought a lot of stuff.” She held up a box of hair dye. “Deep red. I thought it’d suit you and I can help you with it.” She found herself rambling, trying to fill the flat with chatter. “I bought some flowers too to brighten the place up and… here, have a smell.”

Emily closed her eyes and inhaled the scent. “Thanks JJ. You shouldn’t have gone to that much trouble.”

“No trouble, Em. Are you hungry? I’ll fix us a bite if you like..?”

The last thing Emily felt like doing was eating, but she nodded. JJ was probably starving. “Sure.”

JJ smiled and nodded. “What would you like to eat?”

Emily shrugged, feeling useless. “Whatever. Whatever you like.” She said, trying not to sound too disinterested. She never was a big eater. Dave used to nag her about eating properly and – Dave. God she missed him. He’d make her eat pasta. “Pasta.” Emily said softly. “Just a little for me, though.”

JJ’s smile grew in relief. “That’s good.”

“Want some help?” Emily offered.

“You good in the kitchen?”

“Lousy. I can boil water if it’s a good day.”

JJ chuckled. “Okay – you’re on tomato and onion chopping duty.”

“Yes ma’am.”

The time in the kitchen felt almost like old times for Emily. For that time, she forgot her wounds and even that they were holed up in Paris. It felt safe and familiar and she had to stop herself from throwing her arms around JJ and sobbing in gratitude. They ate in an easy atmosphere: comfortable silences and gentle talk about TV shows and JJ’s kids, and Emily found herself cleaning her plate – small portion as it was. JJ watched her eat like a proud mother hen.

“Ice cream?” JJ asked softly.

“Nah, I’m good.” Emily sighed. “I can’t believe you bought ice cream, Jen. I’ll be twenty stones when I get back.”

Get back.

The thought stopped her and she swallowed down the sadness that washed over her like grief. JJ didn’t need to see it, didn’t need to know how close to the edge of breaking she was. It wasn’t fair to dump that on her friend.

“So what is French TV like?” JJ asked once the dishes were soaking in the sink.

“Like most TV: full of those dreadful American shows.”

JJ grinned. Hearing Emily making a joke was a big step forward, she figured. It helped reignite the hope that maybe, just maybe, this might have been, well maybe not the ‘right’ decision, but definitely the ‘best’ decision. Maybe. Hopefully. God, she prayed it was. They sat close together on the couch and watched a few old US reruns of Cheers and whatever other English language or subtitled crap they could find until JJ realised that Emily had fallen asleep, her head resting against JJ’s shoulder.

JJ watched her, listened to her slow, sleeping breaths, and she gently smoothed Emily’s hair away from her eyes. After another ten minutes or so, Emily sighed softly and stirred.

Lifting her head and rubbing at her eyes, Emily apologised. “Sorry, Jen. I guess I’m more tired than I thought.” She yawned.

“Let’s hit the hay, then huh?” JJ suggested. “Do you… need any help getting ready?” JJ asked.

“No, I’ll be okay. I’ll yell if I need anything.”

JJ watched Emily heading to the bathroom and she sighed heavily and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. It had been a hard day – a hard few weeks – but today was stressful and emotionally draining, and JJ’s head was pounding from trying to tiptoe around the situation…. From trying to block out the knowledge that she’d be leaving tomorrow night. Abandoning her friend to… to what? Loneliness. She chewed at her lip, trying to think of a way that she could stay in touch with Emily. A way that no one – Ian Doyle in particular – would be able to pick up on. She racked her brain over it as she threw a pillow and some blankets over the couch and began to make up a bed for the night there.

JJ busied herself loading the dishwasher and putting the last of the groceries away until Emily emerged from the bathroom in sweatpants and a thin, baggy jumper.

Emily’s eyes noted the couch made up as a bed. “What’s that Jayje? You can’t sleep on the couch – your back would never forgive me.”

“There’s just the one bed, Em.”

“Yeah, I…” Emily sighed and dropped her eyes. “I thought, maybe... it’s a big bed.” She shrugged. “Would you share it with me tonight?” She blushed and shook her head. “Sorry, Jayje… I don’t want to make anything awkward. I just… I just want your company a little bit longer.” She shuffled her feet and whispered “Shit. Sorry.”

“Hey Em.” JJ took a hold of Emily’s shoulders and smiled at her. “Which side of the bed do you want?”

Emily couldn’t help the smile that broke out on her face. “Thank you.”

When the bathroom was free and JJ stepped inside, she noted the regimented order that Emily had her medicines arranged in – pills; creams; dressings etc. They took up more than half of the cabinet. The hair dye and scissors sat on the shelf ready for tomorrow… the shower and toilet had a rail attached to the wall – that would be Clyde guesstimating her mobility, ensuring that Emily could move around if she was less mobile. JJ was relieved that those things would likely be unnecessary, but it showed her the level of caring that Clyde had for his former colleague. She wondered absently whether Emily and Clyde were ever more than teammates?

She cleaned her teeth, washed her face and slipped into her nightwear. She was strangely nervous about tonight. She had shared a bed with Emily before on cases. There had been times when one of them needed the other’s company, or times when it was just too damn cold to sleep alone. But tonight? Tonight felt different. JJ had never seen Emily like this. It had always been JJ needing comfort on hard cases, and Emily needing warmth on cold nights. But this was the other way around: Emily needed comfort and JJ wasn’t exactly sure of the best way to do that. Tomorrow Emily would be alone, and JJ didn’t want to make that harder. She took a breath, aware of how long she’d been in the bathroom. When she emerged, Emily was sat up in the bed looking just as anxious. Seeing that anxiety made JJ cave. Emily needed her. “You okay, Em?” JJ asked softly, slipping under the covers next to Emily. “Your feet are cold.” JJ noted when Emily hadn’t answered.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry – you’ll warm up.”

Emily shook her head. “No. I mean… this. I don’t want you to feel awkward.”

JJ slid her arm around Emily’s shoulders and drew her close. “It isn’t awkward. We’re friends.”

“Thanks.” Emily husked. “I just… I just need someone.”

“You’ve got me.” JJ whispered as Emily’s arms wrapped around her waist and held on tightly.

“I felt so alone in the hospital. And… before when Ian reared his ugly head.”

“You’re not alone tonight.” JJ reminded her. “I’m here. I’m right here.” She felt Emily’s shoulders shake softly and tightened her grip, rubbing Emily’s back gently as she quietly cried.

When Emily’s eyes opened, they snapped open sharply, a scream caught in her throat. She sat up, bolt upright, her drowsy brain taking a moment to figure out where she was. Her jumper was stuck to her body with sweat and she wiped at her brow. She had dreamt about Ian. Again. About that awful night in the basement. She could feel the coldness and smell the dampness. She could hear his voice and feel his breath, his hands. She exhaled slowly and glanced to her right. JJ was curled up, sleeping soundly. She stirred slightly - and Emily held her breath – but JJ did not wake.

Emily slipped carefully from the bed and clutched at her stomach. The wound was aching, the internal bruising from the surgery still not completely healed. Her breast felt heavy and sore and she cursed at her brain for conjuring that. The brand was HEALED. It DIDN’T hurt. But still her breast still seemed to be tender. “Psychosomatic.” She hissed quietly to herself.

She wandered out into the sitting room and sunk her weight onto the couch. She fought the urge to grab a painkiller. She didn’t actually need one and she was afraid of letting herself fall into a routine of using them as some kind of release from reality. She knew all too well how habit could become addiction – and she had to stay alert. Just in case HE came to find her.

She shuddered at the thought, wondering how she could fight him off in her condition. She knew Clyde left her a gun – she found it in the bathroom while JJ was shopping. It was hidden carefully, but she knew where to look. At Interpol there were always certain places that notes or supplies… weapons… information… were hidden. Taped under sinks or behind mirrors. The first thing she’d done on arriving was surreptitiously check those places – and Clyde hadn’t let her down.

Tomorrow. No. She looked at the clock. Later today JJ would be out arranging her paperwork and new passport and identity. And then... then JJ would be gone.

“There you are.”

Emily jumped at the sound of JJ’s soft voice. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”

JJ shook her head. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Nightmare?”

Emily nodded. “I’ve had worse.”

“Are you coming back to bed?” She extended her hand.

Emily took it and let JJ lead her back to the bedroom. “I’m sorry I woke you. Worried you.” Emily said softly.

“Don’t apologise. That’s why I’m here – for when you need me.”

“What if I need you tomorrow, or next week, or next month or…next year.” The thought of spending a year (or more, her brain furnished) stuck here under an assumed name, having to pretend, was a very daunting one.

“I’ve been thinking about that.” JJ nodded. “Online scrabble.”

Emily laughed loudly. “Scrabble? Are you nuts?”

“Hear me out!” JJ laughed, slipping into bed beside Emily. “We can play, and we can have stupid handles and no one will know it’s us.”

“Stupid handles, huh? Like what?”

JJ sighed and shrugged.

“Cheetoz Breath.” Emily nodded.

JJ gaped. “Are you trying to tell me something, Emily Prentiss.”

Emily grinned at her.

“Okay smart ass – what’s yours?”

“Goth Zombie.”

“That was fast!”

“Yeah. You should see me play scrabble.” Emily deadpanned.

“Am I locked into that name now, huh?” JJ asked.

“Yep.”

“Fine.” JJ folded her arms and pretended to pout.

Emily chuckled and kissed her cheek. “Thanks JJ. For everything. I know it’s been tough on you, with the team and all, but…I really do appreciate it.”

JJ smiled softly. “I wish I could do more.”

Emily nodded. “I wish I could’ve said goodbye to them – the team, I mean. And my parents. I feel so guilty. They think I’m dead and I’m not, I’m sat here in Paris of all places eating and drinking and breathing. But…I still feel dead. I’m dead because apart from you, Hotch and Clyde, I don’t exist anymore. I’m someone else now: new name, new personality. Pretending again. Lying again. I’m so scared what might happen if you get Doyle and take me back there. They know about the lies from my Interpol days and now… they’ll just see more lies. How can I look them in the eyes, JJ? How will they ever be able to trust me again?”

JJ shook her head. “I don’t know. But I trust that they will see why we had to do this. I trust that they’ll just be happy to have you back. I trust that their friendship is deeper than you think it is, Em. I hope you trust in those things too.”

Emily said nothing.

“Em?”

Still nothing.

“I know you’re thinking about something. What is it? Come on.”

Emily sighed heavily. “If I just…disappeared then you wouldn’t have to keep up that lie anymore. You could just make my death real and I’d go somewhere, start again. I could make sure Ian never found me.”

“He found you before.” JJ reminded her gently.

“So what? I won’t have anyone close for him to target. He could just do what he always wanted to do and just kill me. And it wouldn’t matter, because I’m already dead to everyone I care about. But now? What is this, JJ? You lying to your friends – to your husband, for God’s sake; Hotch lying to his bosses; me stuck here and Ian – Christ knows where he is. He could be on the fucking metro right now, just waiting for you to leave so he can finish me off and if he does that then this whole fucking charade is for NOTHING! You will have alienated the team for fucking NOTHING!”

JJ stared at Emily in shock, the anger and hurt stunning her into silence. Emily was out of bed again and pacing the other side of the room.

“I need a fucking cigarette.” She muttered half to herself. “GOD!” She stopped her pacing and turned to JJ. “Jesus JJ…I’m sorry.” She hissed at herself. She seemed to spend her whole fake life apologising. “I didn’t mean most of that.” She conceded reluctantly.

JJ scoffed. “I think that’s the most honest you’ve been for a while.”

Emily shot her a scathing glance.

“I mean, shit Em… you should have told us sooner about Doyle! As soon as you knew, you should have come to us.” JJ’s own anger was rising. She’d had hardly any sleep since Hotch came up with this crazy ass plan and the stress of lying to the team at work, and Will at home and watching Emily recovering from her wounds in hospital had been eating away at her.

“It wasn’t your problem.”

“Well it sure as shit is now!”

“Well I didn’t exactly ASK you for any of this did I?” Emily yelled. “I was in a FUCKING COMA when you decided to kill me off.”

The room fell into silence.

Emily turned her back and stared out of the window into the darkness outside, her hands gripping the window sill. She heard the bed creak and soft footsteps padding towards her.

“We didn’t know what else to do.” JJ whispered. “Yeah, it’s a shitty plan, but… we had no time to think. All we wanted was to keep you safe.”

“I’m not made of glass.” Emily hissed angrily, pulling away from JJ’s reaching hand. She turned her back to her friend. “I’m not really angry at you.” She said, although her tone was still sharp. “It’s Ian. God… Ian. You know… there was a time I thought I loved him.” She admitted.

JJ frowned. “For real?”

Emily nodded, her head dropping. “It was probably five months into the job, maybe six, I’m not sure. He took us – Declan and I – away to Vienna. For a weekend there was no business, no guns… just the three of us.” She laughed softly. “Declan was three at the time and God, he loved to cuddle up to me and have me read to him. And Ian was so gentle and… it’d been so long, JJ, living Lauren’s life and… I let myself fall for him. I’ve never been in love, you know? And… it was nice to….to let myself be in love.”

“Oh Em.” JJ sighed, reaching out again to Emily. This time Emily didn’t shrug her away, she accepted the embrace and they held one another, all anger forgotten.

“It’s nearly dawn.” JJ noted softly. “Are you tired?”

Emily shook her head.

“Coffee?”

“Please.” Emily watched her friend head through to the kitchen. Today was the day. The day the JJ would leave.

The day when she would have to start afresh. The last day of Emily Prentiss and the first day of whoever would be printed on the documents that JJ would collect this evening. Who would she be? Who had Clyde crafted for her? The two women sat in the kitchen in silence as the sun rose fully. There was really nothing more to say. Emily was already mentally starting to distance herself from JJ – JJ could feel it. She could see it – the way that Emily seemed to be holding herself: more restrained, more formal. JJ guessed it was the start of the new person that Emily would have to be here in Paris.

“Will you cut my hair?” Emily asked.

“Are you sure?”

A nod. “I need it to be different. The colour you picked? That’s good.” she said.

“Are you ready now?”

“Yeah.”

JJ spent almost the next hour cutting and dyeing Emily’s hair. They were slight changes – a little length taken off and a dark, rusty red dye… but the difference in Emily was quite startling. JJ could truly see a new person emerging in front of her.

“I’ll be gone most of the day.” JJ said softly, her eyes still adjusting to the new Emily. “I need to sort everything with the bank and Clyde’s contacts… get your paperwork and finances ready. Collect your personal papers and background. Will you be alright?”

“Fine.” Emily nodded.

JJ eyed her closely. “Okay. I’ll head out after breakfast.”

Emily nodded, not letting JJ see her anxiety. Not letting herself feel it. In fact, she decided to get some supplies herself while JJ was out: wine; cigarettes; some more clothes; a knife. Just essentials.

“I shouldn’t come back here tonight with your papers.” JJ said softly after they finished a light breakfast of eggs and toast.

“There’s a café near here. Quiet. Le Peleton. We could meet there.”

JJ nodded. “Seven?”

“Seven.”

“And… Thursdays, right? Online?”

Emily offered a smile. “Thursdays.”

JJ took Emily’s hand. “Take care. Please.”

“You too. He’s still out there.”

JJ returned her smile. “We’ll get him. We will.”

The smile that Emily produced didn’t fool either of them. She was more scared of having to go back and face everyone who believe her to be dead than she was of facing Ian.

JJ’s eyes held hers as she stepped to the door. Her soft “Bye.” was almost lost.

Emily pressed her hands to the door as it closed. “Don’t go, Jen.” She whispered to the wood. “Don’t leave me alone.”

#jemily #emily prentiss #friendship

ScorpSik

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