people who could have calmed down the hulk who were not natasha

1. Steve, our giant dorito of goodness, who was not the person the Hulk caught and saved from death in the first avengers, but who was the first person Hulk ever took an order from. 

Steve respects soldiers; and he respects people who hates bullies, and he was one of the first people to speak to the Hulk and not plead with him. When he tells Hulk, “Thank you,” he means it and even Hulk can tell. When he says, “You’re done, we’ve got it from here,” Hulk believes it. He’s safe. 

2. Tony, who was the falling body Hulk caught, who was one of the few acts of friendship and not destruction Hulk was given in Avengers, who has spent long nights and early mornings with Bruce in the lab now, sharing in something they both love. Tony either:

a. talks science in a soothing tone– “supernovas? the emissions on those things. and mechatronics! omg, let’s talk about nyquist plots, don’t you think they look like butts? they totally look like butts” – until Hulk makes a giant green enraged sigh, puts his hands over his face, and just lets Puny Bruce out to deal with Won’t-Shut-Up-Man.

OR

b. Tony touches down in the Ironman suit and circles Hulk like a particularly irritating gnat. “Hey hey hey Hulk, man, go to sleep. go to sleep okay? go to sleep. go to sleep go to sleep gotosleepgotosleepGOTOSLEEPokaycmonhulkgotosleep” until Hulk finally swats him and does.

(because Tony’s affection always filters through annoyance)

3. Thor, who blasts down and with jovial seriousness begins a brotherly brawl of joint camaraderie. Thor’s one of the few Hulk can’t hurt too easy, and Hulk’s one of the few Thor can’t hurt. 

There are so many frustrations in their lives, these two boys who belong best to simpler worlds and keep getting pulled into machinations and schemes of others–but this, here, is simple. This is just bodies in an empty war zone, all the danger gone. They fight like kittens, like flop-eared puppy dogs, until they roll over panting in the rubble and gasp and laugh themselves to sleep. 

(Steve and Tony, who have finished all the requisite paperwork during this cooldown/beatdown period, come out and carry their snoring allies to the Quinjet– Steve with Bruce wrapped in a blanket, and the Ironman armor lugging Thor.)

4. Probably not Hawkeye, honestly. I love you, Clint, but no. 

5. But not Natasha, who is brave and slippery and terrifying, who is afraid more than almost anything of losing control, whose role on the team is the spy, the killer, the repenter, the manipulator, the blade in the dark, the smile that cuts, the dry wit, Hawkeye’s best friend and Cap’s dose of loyal reality– Natasha, whose role is not to be the girl, the mother, or other people’s peace. 

Clint probably COULD do it. He’d just dance around making hilarious snarky commentary until Hulk laughed ;)

But let’s face it, the absolute, 100% certainty, BEST OPTION?

BETTY. FUCKING. ROSS.

Even if it was only a goddamn video projection. Hawkeye fires an arrow, it lands at Hulk’s feet, and suddenly there’s a holographic Betty Ross standing there.

BETTY ROSS.

Thank you.  Yes.  Yes.  YES.  YES!!!  Why not Betty?  Seriously.  SERIOUSLY.   AH!  I want to scream every time I think of it.   Betty HAS calmed down Hulk in the past.  She loves him.  She loves Bruce.  Like…I was dying, hoping for a freaking after credits scene of like…Bruce walking up to someone’s door, ringing the bell, and it’s Betty, in her robe holding a cup of coffee and she just…drops the cup and you hear her say…”Bruce…”  And my little heart would have been healed.  (Somewhat healed, because Pietro still…*sniff*)  

I seriously wish that Betty Ross would have returned in MCU, like she could have stayed hidden with Clint’s family in AOU. Like I feel like he could have used her comfort after Wanda’s hex.

Let’s not forget that fact that everyone else was terrified of the Hulk, but Betty Fricking Ross slammed him down on his back, sat on his middle, and yelled at him to get him to focus on her, and when he did, she kept him calm enough to get back under control.

None of this ‘lullaby’ BS. Because wow, misogynistic much when you have the sterile woman having a code that is basically a word for songs that mothers/female caregivers traditionally sang to children. Yeah, romantic. Faux mommying your not-boyfriend. Gorgeous.