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Schmerg The Impaler's Secret Laboratory

@schmergo / schmergo.tumblr.com

Schmergo, Washington DC denizen, lover of literature, fan of fluffy cravats and falafel. This blog is a garbage disposal of corny jokes, memes, Shakespeare, classic lit, Les Miserables, musical theatre, pop culture, history, and assorted other hijinks!
I’m literally 32 years old
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I hear the new Broadway production of The Music Man has updated the lyrics of the song "Shipoopi" to be less sexist. Some fans are apparently a bit riled up by this, though I personally don't have an opinion on it one way or other

.But if I were a writer for SNL (which, luckily for the entire country, I am not), I would create a "Weekend Update" segment about, like, the one person who cares really deeply about this, because I have a really strong mental image of how it would go.

This extremely intense looking dude rolls up wearing a Music Man t-shirt and begins an increasingly unhinged rant about how you can't "cancel Shipoopi" and how Shipoopi is an important piece of the American songbook AND American culture, and if you're going to "cancel Shipoopi," you might as well replace the Statue of Liberty's torch with a GOSH DARN FLASH LIGHT, and how his father died in the WAR defending this country and he'd be rolling in his GRAVE to hear they canceled Shipoopi, and if they cancel Shipoopi, they might as well change Hugh Jackman's name to Hugh JackWOMAN so as not to offend anyone, yadda yadda yadda.

But 100% of the humor depends on him using the word "Shipoopi" like every 5 seconds, spitting it out with increasing volume and vitriol every time until he's SCREAMING "SHIPOOPI"  with a totally straight face and veins sticking out of his neck and spit flying while the host is trying not to crack up.

And the "Shipoopi" guy would be played by Adam Driver. That's it.

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I know literally nothing about One Direction (except that they're all murderous warlocks), but I just watched their performance from last night's SNL and can safely make these highly accurate observation about them:

  • They are very boring to listen to
  • Zayn thinks he's at least a thousand times cooler than everyone else on stage and would pretend he didn't know the rest of them if he wasn't famous solely for knowing them
  • Louis may actually be the reanimated corpse of a lonely werewolf who starved to death because he was too shy to approach people and eat them.
  • Niall is eight years old
  • Harry Styles is a pixie that wandered in from a faraway magical land where buttons don't exist, and beguiled his way into the group with cupcake magic
  • Liam is by far the most talented of the bunch, but he seems like someone's dad that accidentally ended up onstage and just went with it.
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I'm so frustrated... I REALLY want to see this most recent episode of SNL, but I'm in England for the semester, and I can't watch any NBC videos, on TV or online. What's up with that? (Ooooo-eeee! Waddap with dat?)

I especially wanted to see Mumford & Sons on there.

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