Schmerg The Impaler's Secret Laboratory

Aging is just a series of leveling up to increasingly obscure types of yogurt. After a childhood surrounded by trendy “kids” yogurt snacks like Trix and Gogurt, Dannon and Yoplait yogurt cups in my lunchboxes, a brief teenage dalliance with those whipped yogurt mousses, and the fro-yo craze of my college days, I spent my 20s mainlining Greek yogurts and have now in my 30s finally hit the Icelandic skyr tier.

I haven’t seen the new Mufasa movie, but I kinda get the vibe from the trailer that they created this entire elaborate backstory just to explain why Scar has an English accent in The Lion King and Mufasa is American.

It pains me to say this as an American, but I saw the stage musical of The Lion King in London and in that, ALL of the lions have English accents (and Zazu), while the “commoner” characters sound American and it worked extremely well as a class indicator. I was mad at first when Simba sounded like the little berries and cream lad, but I got used to it, and it DID feel more cohesive that way— heck, I know I inherently associate English accents with royalty.

I gotta say, though, if we accept that Mufasa and Scar are brothers with different accents, with American being the default in the movies, I like to think that these explanations make more sense than whatever the Mufasa movie had going on:

* Mufasa was largely raised by their dad as the heir while Scar’s care and education was dumped on Zazu.

*Scar just studied abroad at an English university (maybe King’s College like me, yuk yuk yuk) and has been super pretentious about it ever since.

* Scar’s accent magically turned English (villain accent) when he turned evil.

Merry Christmas! (Okay, ya got me, this isn’t a real book! It was the gift box for my scarf!)

I don’t plan on writing my own adaptation of A Christmas Carol, but that’s probably a good thing because if I did, it would include this scene:

Jacob Marley: Scrooge, you will be visited by three spirits!

Ebenezer Scrooge: Now, ought that not be FOUR spirits, present company included?

Marley: I did say WILL be visited. I am already visiting you now, so I need hardly be included in that number.

Scrooge: But you WILL presumably still be visiting me in two seconds, which would therefore include you among the number of spirits who WILL visit me.

Marley: Scrooge, I have returned from beyond the veil of death to bring you this warning. Do you really wish to spend the precious few moments I have quibbling over this? What does it matter if it’s three or four?

Scrooge: What does it matter if it’s three or four? In the counting house, it matters a great deal! Fortunes are squandered that way! I cannot abide this imprecision of language.

Marley: Well then, assume that the precise definition of “visit” is “An act of coming or going to see a person or place.” I am neither coming nor going, and therefore the three spirits need only include those who you will meet in the FUTURE.

Scrooge: But wouldn’t that by necessity exclude those who represent the present or the past?

(Marley howls in frustration, pulls off his ghostly head, and hurls it out the window)

Scrooge: Now, there’s no need for that nonsense.

Every day on God’s green internet, I’m faced with the consequences of my actions