He stabbed himself

I'm sorry I know this is wrong of me I know I need to fight the urge, but I'm gonna be honest........ the muzzle is kinda hot

When the hood’s down and you can see the strap in the back… woof woof

Feral McGee™

It starts with the Joker. 

His goons picked up Tim Drake. Not specifically because it was Tim Drake, he just so happened to be in the Joker’s neighborhood, and we'll, he can't pass up that opportunity now can he? 

Except Tim Drake is watching, along with the rest of Gotham, at the Batcomputer. He’s nursing a broken foot and has been put on monitor duty until he's cleared for field work again. 

The guy looks enough like him, though. Black hair, blue eyes, and bags under his eyes for days. He's also got the same lean sort of build like he does. 

It happens like this. 

The Joker is doing his monologue thing where he explains whatever twisted game he's come up with this time. He takes up the majority of the screen, so nobody can see Not-Tim behind him, not until the big reveal. Then he covers the screen again, getting up close and personal, before stepping back. In those quick few seconds, Not-Tim is no longer sitting there tied to the chair. 

Someone off camera lets the Joker know, and he whirls around, confused as the rest of Gotham. 

And then Not-Tim comes in with the steel chair. 

Or, well, a crowbar, but the reference holds up. 

He takes out one of Joker’s knees before punching him in the face. The Joker drops like a bag of stones, out cold. 

Then he looks towards the camera. 

Tangential, but the idea of Danny getting everyone's autograph gave me the thought of Danny sneakily getting Batman's "autograph" on his adoption papers.

Not Bruce's mind you. Batman's.

I don't think it would be legally binding— but when brandished smugly at arms length as proof of who this feral child ought to be returned to, I'm just imagining Jim Gordon's face when confronted with that 😂

So, it's implied (at least in BtAS and possibly in other runs too) that Jim knows.

So Jim isn't going to have a face at this. His face is going on a journey. A moment of WTF, then processing, trying to figure out if Bruce got another one somehow without Jim knowing, realizing and reorienting his thoughts around how the papers the kid is waving are signed by-not Bruce- Batman, processing some more, realizing he can use thisto mess with Bruce, a flash of wicked glee at this new idea, and finally schooling back into stern police commisioner face.

"Alright kid, let's go call him then to pick you up."

"Oh.. Oh, that's really not necessary. I can make my own way home, Mr..."

"Gordon. And I'm sorry, kid, but you're a minor and who was just caught up in a Scarecrow attack. I cannot just let you leave without a legal guardian. Besides, as many attacks as you've been in lately, I need to have a word with him anyway. Now come on, kid. And don't worry. I got your Dad's number. He always picks up when I call."

By 'I got your Dad's number, let's go call him to pick you up,' what Jim actually means is this:

We're gonna go up to the roof, flick on the Batsignal, and wait for Batman to show up. Then I can pass you off and spend a few minutes scolding him about letting the kid he took in wander Gotham without supervision, getting caught up in all these attacks. Maybe throw in a 'never had this problem with Wayne' just for the kicks.

Jim is gonna have so much fun. So will Danny when he realizes Mr. Gordon is just fucking with Batman.

Tim froze. "Huh?"

"I mean, you're definitely cute. But I don't feel comfortable with strangers? And I don't want there to be any misunderstandings."

Danny Nightingale looked flustered, nervous, and far too pretty with his cheeks flushing red under the glow of the nearby lamp fixtures. Tim wondered when his brain would finally come back online. Right now it was far too interested in putting everything else on the backburner.

On one hand, he had been trying to get information out of Danny on his connection to Vlad Masters- a connection that had seemed more tenuous with each passing minute of the evening. On the other, Tim could admit it had sounded a bit like he was inviting Danny for something more.

And if he was honest with himself, it was only mostly unintentional.

"It's not even you, I just get attached really easily and don't want something casual. Sorry."

Tim hadn't even realized boundary setting could be so attractive.

"No. Yeah, that's- fine." Smooth. The Drake-Wayne charm at its finest. Tim could hear Jason snickering on the comms.

I've been playing with a no-one-knows AU where Danny has been married to Jason for years but hasn't told him his secret. Jason knows that Danny isn't human, but hasn't pressed because Danny is so terrified when he approaches the topic. The Batfamily do not know.

Presently, the GIW are in Gotham and closing in, and the Box Ghost has come to Danny seeking help.

----

“You’re a ghost,” Jason said gently, pulling one of Danny’s hands away from his face to wrap it in his own. Danny let him. “Aren’t you?”

Danny’s breath hitched again.

Surprisingly, the Box Ghost looked almost as horrified as Danny.

“What? NO! I, the BOX GHOST, would not out Danny Fenton to his human family! For he is as human as I once was!” He flailed his arms in blatant panic. “There is nothing to reveal, for Danny Fenton is most certainly NOT a ghost!”

“What’s wrong with Danny being a ghost?” Box Lunch wanted to know, tilting her head up to peer up at her father in confusion. “Is it a secret?”

“BOX LUNCH!” the Box Ghost wailed, every inch a mortified parent.

i'm fucking choking

wires crossed in summoning

the fact that welcome to the black parade was recorded in a haunted mansion called the paramour and they recorded it in the middle of the night in the ballroom and the bass player had to go live with a therapist and the lead singer would have night terrors of being strangled and the guitarist would see a woman in white walking the halls. who is doing it like my chemical romance. fucking no one

the fact that in a video shoot the singer broke his ankle and kept performing screaming in agony and the drummer caught on fire and kept playing anyway and sustained third degree burns that become gangrenous. who is doing it like my chemical romance. fucking no one

i feel like i should point out that not even my chemical romance is doing it like my chemical romance these days because those guys figured out they want to live

No one does it like MCR, which is good because no one should be doing that!

Danny: I wrote a book

Jazz: You what?!

Danny: I wrote a book. It's a gay romance novel about the Spirit of Halloween falling in love with a boy who celebrates Christmas too early.

Jazz: That's.....actually adorable.

Danny: thank you. I want you to help sell it while I go hide in Gotham

Jazz: What Why?

Danny: Fright Knight did not like me turning him into the protagonist of a gay Hallmark book. I'm hiding before he catch me.

Jazz: Why Gotham?

Danny: Fright Knight is scared of Batman. Luckily, Batman pre-order my book for his son Tim, who is also in the mafia alphabet, so I'm using that as an excuse.

Jazz: I-

Danny: By the way, Batman is Bruce Wayne. Now that you know that you are no longer safe and need to make sure I don't get caught either.

Jazz: You son of a-!

Kara, in a moment of desperation, grabs an empty out-of-control spaceship destined to hit a highly populated area and crashes with it in the biggest, emptiest field she can find.

When she shoved it off of her and stands up to brush the dirt off of her clothes, there's a tween girl floating above her, teary eyed.

"This!" The girl cries, and Kara freezes. Did...did she hit the kid's dog or something?

"This is just like how the Farmy Lady said she got her kid! This is how parents get kids! I'm a mom now!" The girl continues, ecstatic and bobbing in the air.

...

Farmy lady? Got her kid through a spaceship?

"...Have you been to Kansas, by any chance?"

"Yes! That's where I met the Farmy Lady, and she wanted me to stay but I cannot be chained down because adults are all losers. Except for you. Who is my daughter."

Introducing her to the Fenton's is Crazy Situation tho :

Dani : TEMPLATE! DANNY! I GOT A DAUGHTER!!

Danny , Sleep Deprived, Probably Ghost King, Very Bleary Eyed : Uh-huh what's her name.

Dani : KARA!

Danny : Uh-huh

Danny finally turns his head to face Kara and Dani, Dan who was staying quiet finally looked up from his magazine and both men just frozen in place.

Danny : DANI! THAT'S AN ADULT?!

Dani : AND SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!

Dan : Dani you're 10.

Dani : AND SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!! I ADOPTED HER BECAUSE FARMY LADY ADOPTED HER SON THE WAY SHE APPEARED TOO!

Dan : It's hard to win arguments with stupid people.

Dani : WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Danny : I so fucking give up.

With the Other Fentons :

Jazz Happy and Accepting Kara immediately without questioning Dani, and if the Fenton Parents are good they'll feed her. A l o t.

Danny picked up some traits from his parents. He got his mom’s flexibility and reflexes, his dad’s love of anything chocolate flavored and abnormally great cardiovascular health. The trait they both passed on (to Danny AND Jazz) is an intense need to learn everything they can about what they don’t like.

Jazz remembers what it was like when Uncle Hammond passed and Aunt Alicia got different. She’s terrified of her own emotions effecting her like that some day, so studies psychology like there’s no tomorrow.

Jack and Maddie bonded over their shared fear and death and resulting desire to learn everything they could about it.

Danny can’t stand clowns. They’re dishonest and hide who they are behind heavy makeup and outlandish costumes. Freak show kicks that dislike into a full-on phobia though, so he goes all in on learning everything he can. How does clown school work? What are the requirements to be a clown? What rules do they have to follow? If he knows their limitations, he knows their weaknesses. He will not be caught off guard again.

That knowledge sits in the back of his mind like a comfort blanket. Every so often he’ll dip back in and research if there’s anything that’s changed. He wants to keep on top of any information about his greatest enemies.

Finally, he manages to graduate high school with a 2.7 GPA and 31 on the ACT thanks to his Math and Science scores (and a carefully managed brawling schedule with his rogues). Thanks to those, he managed to get a partial scholarship to Gotham U for Physics and Engineering. He still isn’t sure how he managed that, but he’ll happily take it.

What he won’t take is this FALSE Clown trying to cause trouble right before finals! He’d kept on top of his shit all semester and wasn’t gonna let anyone kidnapping him and some other people off the street get in his way.

Later, the Bats manage to find where the hostages were held because one of them waved down Robin. As in, all the captives had gotten free and when they found the right warehouse, it was to one young man berating the Joker.

“You’re nothing but a modern rendition of the town fool!”

I read an AITA post a few weeks back about a woman who liked having snacks in the bath when she's had a long day (a result of residual trauma iirc - the bath was her safe space). Her brand new husband of three weeks, a man twice her age who had no job, made her pay all of his bills and do all housework, and spent all day every day gaming because he wanted to make it as a Twitch streamer, had always been fine with this; but, on the day in question, had whisked her bath snacks out of her hands as she was on her way to the bathroom and tried to bin them, telling her it was time to 'break her of that filthy habit in his home'. She told him if he ever actually paid anything towards the house she owns outright he might get a say, took her snacks back, and had her lovely bath. He was since giving her the silent treatment.

(Obviously the judgement was an avalanche of 'NTA and also he's abusing you', which she agreed with, and decided to kick him out, so happy ending.)

Anyway I told my husband about this and he was outraged. "I would never do that!" he told me, furious. "I would find it adorable if you had bath snacks!"

Since then, every time I try to have a bath (which I only do as a rare treat) after about ten minutes there has been an anxious scrabbling at the bathroom door.

"Elanor!" he says. "Do you have bath snacks? Do you need anything?"

My answer is irrelevant. He brings me wine and poptarts. Now I have bath snacks. I'm a bath snacks person. Last time he was literally sleeping on the sofa when I went for the bath. Somehow this still happened. I now have an eager bathroom butler. How did this happen. I have never been so decadent yet bewildered.

some asshole: tries to control his wife by withholding bath snacks

op's husband:

I (inexplicably third culture kid at times) grew up eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch every day because my mother is normal, and all my English friends were rude about them despite literally never having tried one because "ough it just sounds gross." Anyway I want to see if this is a trend beyond children from southern England.

NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO MAY NOT KNOW - JELLY IN THIS CASE MEANS JAM, NOT JELLO-TYPE FOOD - MANY OF MY PEERS WERE NOT AWARE OF THAT.

American. I just don’t like jelly

Same! Peanut butter sandwiches, though? With no jelly? I could eat those all day every day.

the version of excel i'm using came preloaded with a bunch of icon/emoji thingies so i spend my free time making fucking cave art

this is called "guy who gets abducted by aliens but he's super into it"

part 2 of ??: alien abductee gets arrested for arson

part 3: "it was aliens" is deemed an unacceptable defense for leaving your campfire untended; the jailbird has a visitor

part 4: a touching serenade

part 5: some of the aliens help the prisoners escape...

part 6: ...while the others help the officers evacuate

I’ve gone insane and started writing a cliche fantasy novel

why did nobody tell me that writing is the adult equivalent of playing with dolls

AND WHAT A LONG WAY WE’VE COME!

Ok i need to know are these still the chapter titles

oh those aren’t the chapter titles, those are the first lines in each chapter.

this is a chapter title:

I like to think that whenever anyone is sick at Wayne Manor, they are put on lockdown

Not for their own well being, but for the sake of poor spleenless Tim

And it has probably led to a scenario like this:

Jason: It’s just a cold there is no reason to lock me in my room Tim isn’t even here

Dick: Did you get your flu shot?

Jason: Well no not yet but the doc-

Dick: *absolutely messing with him* I can’t believe that you didn’t get your flu shot day one of flu season how inconsiderate of you. Your poor baby brother, I bet your plan was to get “the replacement” off of duty for a bit all along huh?

Jason: I-

Tim: *playing along over the phone, is actively across the country* Wow dude can’t believe you’d try to get me sick is this because I sent Roy that pic of you on patrol the other day because this is low even for you bro tsk tsk

Clockwork: Alfred! You're calling me! Hi!

Alfred: Yes, hello, Clockwork. I know it's been a while since we last spoke-

Clockwork: It's been fifty years, three months, five days, and four hours since our last conversation.

Alfred: Have you been counting?

Clockwork: *Hiding his time staff behind his back* No.

Alfred: Right, because that would be silly of you. We broke up ages ago.

Clockwork: Yes, quite silly. It's not like I broke a law of order to extend your lifetime or that I made it so age does not have a hold of you, allowing you to keep the mobile abilities of a twenty-seven year old.

Alfred: That's true. Most of my acquaintances near my age are always complaining of the aches in their bones. I appreciate it.

Clockwork: Of course. Anything for you.

Alfred: I still age though?

Clockwork: Yes but very slowly. You'll outlive Bruce Wayne.

Alfred: ....you made me immortal.

Clockwork: Yes! :D

Alfred: Can I trade my immortality to turn back time for twenty four hours?

Clockwork: What?

Alfred: The reason I called you was because my grandson Jason Todd died earlier today. I was hoping you would do me a favor and allow me to go back to yesterday and save the lad. I was going to offer my soul for this favor, but if I can trade my immortality, that would be fine too.

Clockwork: But - without a soul, you would suffer a punishment worse than death, and without your immortality, time would catch up to you, leaving you in extreme pain!

Alfred: I'm fine with that. All I want is to save my dear boy.

Clockwork: How....how about a counter offer!? I'll have one of my men save your boy by turning back time, and you won't have to give up either!

Alfred: What of the price? We both know that for all your power a price must be paid for alternating fate.

Clockwork: Don't worry about that. You see fate has already fortold this path. Remember I see all.

Alfred: *Smiling* Thank you

Clockwork: *Flustered* O-of course.

Two hours later

Danny: So I'm going back in time to save a boy from getting beaten to death by Joker

Clockwork: Yes.

Danny: Is he someone important?

Clockwork: Why yes, he is. Congratulations, you're engaged.

Danny: WHAT?!

Clockwork: Look Fate only allows for changes if it's in the name of true love.

Danny: True love!? I don't even know him?!

Clockwork: No, my true love.

Danny: Are you talking about the English Butler that dumped you!? He's never coming back Clockwork!

Clockwork: You don't know that!

Danny: I seriously do!

Clockwork: Just go save your fience! I have to pretty myself up when we deliver him to Alfred. I'm getting my man back.

Danny: You're delusional!