No… It’s my 60s spy thriller film franchise AU and I’ve decided they’re Very Gay and in Love.
It’s all very corny and true to the spirit of the beloved genre:
Aziraphale is sent by heaven to seduce Crowley and lure him to his death, but after several scenes of homoerotic tension thick enough to cut with a knife, ‘Angel’ realizes there’s more to his hereditary enemy than he’s been led to believe, and so begins to question heaven’s agenda.
There are a lot of gratuitous shots of Aziraphale rolling up his sleeves to reveal his muscular forearms, and hunching over several books with his bowtie/cravat undone– immediately after which we see Crowley become unbearably flustered, because let’s be honest: ’Angel’ is a goddamned Full Course Meal.
Crowley gets to make several very dashing rescues (which involve elaborate, high-speed car chases and explosions in which no one actually gets hurt) and every time, they share increasingly, scorchingly meaningful looks only to be interrupted before they can confess their feelings and share a Big Damn Kiss. (Also one of these high-speed chases is actually a boat chase or submarine battle, so that Crowley has an opportunity to show off his pen that works underwater. Aziraphale is Very Impressed and Crowley gives it to him as a gift afterward. In doing so, they brush hands and it is Very Tender.)
Heaven catches wind of their growing allegiance to each other and sends the archangels down to earth to 'remind’ Aziraphale of what’s at stake in the conflict between Heaven and Hell. It’s in their next scene together that Crowley finally reveals his hand, making his, “anywhere you want to go” offer. But conflicted after his encounter with the archangels, Aziraphale delivers his gut-punching, “you go too fast for me, Crowley,” and leaves.
Cue a montage of each of them drinking in heart- broken solitude, until Aziraphale stumbles upon a clue in one of his books that he has previously missed because of Plot Reasons™. He calls Crowley, but when the demon doesn’t answer, he frantically hires a cab to go to him. Also it’s raining at this point because we need a reason for 'Angel’ to be Very Sexy and wet when he finds Crowley and explains his discovery to him.
But of course, now is not the time for declarations of love, and so the romantic/sexual tension between them remains unresolved until the very end of the film, after the armies of Heaven and Hell have retreated from Earth. Crowley asks Aziraphale if he’d like a ride again, anywhere he’d like to go, he promises not to go too fast. Aziraphale smiles and simply answers, “with you” or something equally cheesy like that. They go back to Crowley’s flat, confess their love, and the film fades to black as they kiss Very Passionately– the implication being that they spend the rest of the night doing the Horizontal Wahoo.
