Val’s Chill Out Space

I fucking hate my middle zone of being too sex repulsed to ever be with someone who needs sex from their romantic partner but also being a hopeless romantic who would actually kill someone for sensual touch right now, and there for needs a romantic partner, while also being masc so everyone woman I talk to wants/expects me to top them.

I like, almost never use tumblr to vent but tonight I am going to.

I had a break up two years ago, with the only person I’ve ever been really attracted to, the only person I’ve loved romantically. Our mental health issues were the catalyst, (I have depression, she’s bipolar) but eventually we realized she’s poly and I’m monogamous, she’s hypersexual and I’m ace. It could never work. But two years later she’s moved on and I feel like a drug addict, begging for her affection and approval. I breath and it feels like her name.

And it was love at first sight. I delayed it for a year before I gave in because I was scared of how much I liked her. She said the moment she saw me she thought I was the prettiest girl in the universe. It was all so fairytale. Every day memories bubble up to the surface of how in love we were. And it burns and it aches. I can still feel her touch and her breath and her warmth and I hear her voice giving me advice and laughing at the jokes I make in my head.

I finally told her today we can’t still be friends, at least until I can move on. And so I’ve been bawling all day. How do people do it? How does anyone move on when they’ve loved and been loved like this?

And I’m so jealous that she has new partners, who she probably says all the same things to. Those words, that love was mine, and now I have no right to it. And the feeling that I could never be enough for her? I know that’s not how poly works, but that’s how it feels.

And I’m mad? Because she would love bomb me during our relationship. One week would be sunshine and rainbows, she’d worship me and buy me gifts and act like I was an angel sent just for her. And then she’d flip, and she’d have trouble saying she loved me? And so since the breakup I feel like I’ve just been waiting for her to flip back.

It’s all like narcotic withdrawal. One touch, one hug, one text of “I luv u”, one kiss on the bridge of my nose like she loved to do, and I’d be on my knees for her.

I want to stop hurting, I want to let go. I want to have an open heart to love again. But her name is always on my lips when I breathe.

Life sucks y’all

Looking or asexual mutuals?? I’m newly out and I could really use friends who have similar experiences, please don’t be afraid to hit me up if my blog looks like we have stuff in common❤️❤️