Coda to 13x21

Sam could feel Lucifer’s eyes boring into the back of his head. He didn’t want to know what everyone else was thinking, seeing Sam walking into camp alongside Lucifer. Most of them knew their history. Not for the first time since he’d been resurrected, Sam wished he were dead. 

“Well, Sammy,” Lucifer walked forward until he stood beside him, and though Sam towered over him, he’d never felt smaller. Lucifer turned his gaze upon him. Sam felt himself cower backward, trying to escape Lucifer’s stare, and he hated himself for it. “Are you going to tell them or will I?” Lucifer’s voice had grown hard now, tinged with annoyance, and a millennia in the Cage with him had taught Sam that this was never a good sign, so he began to speak.

“He–he–he…He…” His voice was barely a whisper. He was going to fall apart. He couldn’t get the words out. He was trembling, he was shaking. 

It seemed Lucifer wanted him to get it out with. His eyes glowed angrily, and Sam was terrified, because he knew that stare, he knew what it meant, so he did little more than flinch when Lucifer shoved him to the ground.

Dean and Mary moved angrily forward at this, but Lucifer held up a finger. “Relax. I’m just showing you something,” he growled. 

Sam closed his eyes and shook but didn’t move as Lucifer roughly shoved his shirt to the side, pulling it down on the shoulder enough to show it…the handprint. Sam had never felt more disgusted with himself in his life, with his body, his soul…there was no part of him that was free from the Devil, no part of him that Lucifer hadn’t touched.

“I resurrected him,” Sam felt himself let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding as Lucifer stopped touching him. “I resurrected Sam Winchester, and I have brought him to you.”

He could feel mutterings amongst those who didn’t know him, could feel Jack’s shock, and Dean’s, Mom’s, and Cas’s horrified stares. 

“Stand on up, Sammy,” Lucifer said, eyes still on Jack, and Sam felt himself obey, getting to his feet shakily. But just before he’d reached full height, he felt Lucifer’s cold breath in his ear. “You’re still mine, Sammy. You still belong to me. You will vouch for me. You will do what I say. And if I need you for anything else…If I have to pop the million-dollar question…you will say yes. You know you will, Sammy.” Sam froze completely at this, feeling his heart beat wildly in his chest. “So go on to see big brother and Mommy. Just know that you’re still mine.” Lucifer straightened up and spoke loudly now, “I’m going to meet my son.”

Sam finally stretched himself to full height, and, ignoring the fact that he felt like he might pass out, ignoring the fact that were tears running down his face, he ran and threw himself into Dean’s arms, wrapping him in a hug and shaking. Before long, Mary joined them, and even though he’d found a temporary respite in his mother’s and brother’s arms, Lucifer was still standing in the clearing.

Lucifer had resurrected him. Lucifer had given him life. Lucifer had tortured him for thousands of years. Lucifer had possessed him. Lucifer had broken him. Lucifer had violated him in every way imaginable.

Sam would never be free.

13x21 // 12x02 This scene in 13x21 immediately reminded me of 12x02 and I think the reason has to do with shame. Both Sam and Dean carry a lot of guilt but this particular sort of self-disgusted humiliation seems to me much more characteristic of Sam. That makes a lot of sense in both of these contexts - it’s closely related to his experiences of sexual assault. Toni is gloating not because she’s tricked Sam into (something like) sexual activity, but because she’s tricked him into enjoying it. Similarly, Lucifer’s double-edged ‘gift’ of life puts Sam in the position of owing a debt to his abuser. In both cases, that translates into feelings of culpability and shame. Sam feels responsible - maybe he did want it. I find this really difficult to watch!

#it would be very nice if he could get some of this off his chest #and have someone tell him #that it is not actually his fault #he didn't ask for it #he's not to blame #this feels like a very real emotion #Jared plays it perfectly 

Yes, Sam’s interactions with Lucifer and his violations in general are more often than not rape-coded.

“so marco slipped something in your drink”

sam, *having flashbacks of when toni drugged and r*ped him*: you don’t say???

Spell

Sam’s memories of Cuthbert Sinclair weren’t fond ones; they really weren’t, but he was grateful for the man’s spell work this evening, all the same: half an hour with the obliterati records and another hour’s worth of casting, and there was a web of magical tripwires stretching a mile in every direction, from a bunker door that no longer recognized any Men of Letters’ keys besides their own. 

(Mary’s eyes had been worried, as she’d watched him—cross-legged on the floor, borrowed power crackling beneath his skin, between his hands, in the burning tripod in front of him—and Sam wondered, distantly, how many warlocks she had killed.) 

He lay quietly now in his room, damp-skinned and weary, the fan a relentless, soothing hum overhead. He’d scrubbed himself in the shower earlier until he’d been pink and stinging, but he could still feel Toni’s hands on his body, could feel the soft flutter of her tongue on his skin and the slick tight heat between her thighs, and he didn’t—he didn’t want—

Isn’t this much more pleasant, Sam? 

He rolled onto his side, wearily, scrubbed a tired hand across his face. There was a hard tight knot in his stomach still, nausea and rage and humiliation at once. He’d been wet when he’d woken from her spell in that basement, and the fact that she’d seen him like that, had been sitting there in her clean pretty clothes with her clean pretty face watching him come while he’d been chained to a chair unconscious and bloody, it—

Prettiest thing I ever fucked, Lucifer murmured, somewhere in his memory, and Sam squeezed his eyes shut and locked that voice back down tight behind his breastbone, with memories of vivisecting knives and cold, cold hands and Michael’s wild laughter as he screamed. 

What Toni had done to him hadn’t been a patch on hell. It hadn’t even been real, and he knew that; he did, knew too that he hadn’t chosen it, that without the spell he never would have wanted it, would have wanted her. 

But all the same, it had been a long while since he’d felt so unclean.

Wow sure is nice to see Sam feeling some good old fashioned shame about his sexuality (12x02)

Okay, but this made me so mad. Sam was basically forced into a sexual situation via mind control, meaning that he had his consent taken away yet again. Sam constantly gets kissed or verbally taunted in a sexual way by his female captors and it makes me want to punch something. You can just see it in his face, in the fourth gif especially, how uncomfortable and hurt and ashamed he is. God this boy deserves so much better.

12x2

12x2 the hallucation

Don’t worry. The dental hygienist in here? She wants it bad.

— 2.14

really fucking tired about the whole “if the devil had to ask permission before entering sam’s body so can you” discourse in spn fandom btw.

did yall ever watch season 5?!! for real?

lucifer fucking coerces consent out of sam’s mouth. every time they talk he is like “aw you’re just saying no now but you’re going to say yes to me in the end so why should i try to convince you” and it’s not cute nor respecting sam’s boundaries - it’s being a fucking pushy manipulative asshole who doesn’t even consider that sam saying no is an obstacle to him reaching his goal. if anyone tries that behavior with you, do yourself a favor and FUCKING RUN. IT’S NOT CUTE. IT’S NOT FUNNY.

lucifer disguised himself as jessica, sam’s dead lover and the woman he loved more than any other one in their first interaction and then had the fucking gall to pull the “i’d never lie to you” card!!! how fucked up is that. the guy is a creep and a manipulator since DAY FUCKING ONE.

consent is consent when it’s given freely, with everyone being conscious of their choice, with enthusiasm and with the possibility of SAYING NO AT ANY TIME - which lucifer doesn’t give. sam only says yes to lucifer because he doesn’t want everyone to DIE but if he had the tiniest glimpse of choice, honestly he would fuck off right away and exile himself far away from lucifer.

what lucifer gives is not consent. what lucifer gives is creepy manipulative behavior hiding itself behind the face of “true consent”. this is not the poster behavior for consent. if a person ever tries to do that to you, honestly run and protect yourself.

stop with romanticizing and rewarding rapey behavior 2kforever.

The same also applies to the Gadreel situation in season 9. Consent given under false pretenses and manipulation isn’t consent.