‘The Onion’ reveals Trump’s February 21 intelligence briefing on Kim Jong-Un and Iranian missile technology.

Shakespeare plays as Onion headlines

Hamlet: 

Twelfth Night:

Macbeth:

Julius Caesar:

Titus Andronicus: 

Henry IV Part 1:

Two Gentlemen of Verona:

Measure for Measure:

Coriolanus:

Othello:

The Tempest:

The Winter’s Tale:

Me oh my god

BOSTON—Tallying various efforts to act natural and pretend everything was fine, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Boston University found that the average American hopes no one saw that 12 times per day. “Over the course of a 24-hour period, a typical American prays to God about a dozen times that nobody noticed what just happened,” said the report’s lead author, Dr. Sheryl Rasmussen, adding that such events might be evenly dispersed among one’s waking hours or concentrated in a shorter, intensely mortifying time span. “Approximately every other hour, the average American will worriedly look over their shoulder and dart their eyes to make sure that no one caught a glimpse of what just took place, although it’s not uncommon for people to casually pull out their phone like nothing whatsoever occurred or simply stare straight ahead.” The study confirmed, however, that in all such instances, everyone saw and was savagely judging the person involved.

Senator From Troubled Home State Repeatedly Acting Out In Congress

Expressing concern over his increasingly combative behavior and refusal to cooperate with others, sources confirmed this week that Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL), who comes from a troubled home state, has been frequently acting out in Congress. “His home state must be a very unhealthy environment, given all the unsettling and sometimes outright hostile things he says,” said Senate Sergeant at Arms Frank J. Larkin, suggesting that perhaps a lack of financial stability or positive mental stimulation in his home state had left him with considerable cognitive and emotional deficits.

More.

the force awakens + onion headlines

The Case For And Against Prayer In Public Schools

As it continues to be a hot-button issue for lawmakers, here are the cases for and against allowing prayer in public schools:

FOR: Students’ vocabulary expanded to include “tresspasses,” “apostolic,” “prodigal,” “fiery wrath”

AGAINST: Mandated prayer creates hostile environment for the hellbound

Read more

Teachers Misinform Students On Climate Change 

A recent survey found that many teachers are inadvertently instilling climate change denial in students by suggesting global warming is equally the result of human activities and natural causes. 

What do you think?

Pirates of the Caribbean + The Onion headlines [insp.]

Top: The Onion two weeks ago.

Bottom: A real thing Ben Carson actually said today.

Congress Members Spend Afternoon Drawing Pictures Of Their Dream Capitols 

WASHINGTON—Sitting Indian-style on the Senate floor surrounded by Magic Markers, crayons, and construction paper, members of Congress spent the afternoon in a special session Monday drawing pictures of their dream Capitols, sources reported.

The drawings—which variously featured huge missile launchers affixed to the Capitol dome, a moat filled with crocodiles and sharks, and a robot version of Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) that can vote on bills when the senator himself is absent—were reportedly part of an activity devised by congressional aides to alleviate some of the stress caused by rancorous bipartisan squabbling and to keep the lawmakers occupied until recess.

“That’s the rotunda, this is the dirt bike track, and here’s the room where you can get ice cream whenever you want and put whatever you want on top of it!” said 73-year-old Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), excitedly pointing out the different features of his imaginary seat of the U.S. legislature. “And this part right here is a big cage thing where we can round up all the people who aren’t supposed to be in America. Then here’s where some big trucks can drive in to take them all back to Mexico.”

“And this is the waterslide!” continued McConnell.

More.

Victoria’s Secret Introduces 3-Inch Patch Of Satin To Place Anywhere On Body 

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Does anyone have that headline from The Onion, “Clean energy ready to go whenever?”

You mean this one? :)

parks and rec + the onion headlines (insp)

Obama Follows White Stallion Into Moonlit Rose Garden  

WASHINGTON—After waking to a faint rustle of hooves upon fallen leaves and peering out his window to glimpse a silvery mane in the distant mist, President Barack Obama reportedly followed a white stallion through the White House Rose Garden in the early moonlit hours of Thursday morning.

The commander-in-chief, who had dozed off at his desk while working late to prepare for summit talks with South Korean president Park Geun-hye, was said to be transfixed by the noble creature’s elegant bearing. Wandering out the Oval Office’s east door toward where it stood grazing in the dew-covered grass, he found himself frozen in place as the wild horse lifted its head and briefly returned his gaze.

“Oh my,” whispered a breathless Obama, who stepped forward into the night just in time to see the flash of a brilliant white tail disappearing into the swirling fog. “Wait—come back!”

More.