meh gar kyrayc, shuk bah ni

some words of wisdom from @robotforest

inspo under the cut. thanks to @spacerocksarethebestrocks for the big brain connections

Every time I think about, “Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend.” I start laughing because IT HAPPENED LIKE TWELVE YEARS AGO and THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE WERE SIDIOUS AND PLAGUEIS like there’s no way for the Jedi to even know this story existed, it’s not a millennia old tale, it was INCREDIBLY RECENT and they were Sith Lords IN HIDING, yet Palpatine just says that entire story with his whole chest like Anakin’s never going to go go the Jedi and say, “Hey, what’s up with never telling me about that Sith Legend Darth Plagueis?” so the Jedi can go “who the fuck is Darth Plagueis????” and Palpatine is RIGHT, Anakin’s brain is just like a hamster on a squeaky wheel, “oh okay I don’t know enough to tell if that’s true or not but I’m just gonna believe it”.  ABOUT A STORY THAT HAPPENED A DECADE AGO, NOT SOME ANCIENT HISTORY.  The absolute gall of Sheev Palpatine, there will never be another villain like him, he’s the bestworst.

#the funniest part about it for me is that it’s probably not even that uncommon of a story with the Sith#say Anakin did go demand the Jedi tell him about this#they’d tell him they’ve never heard of a Plagueis but sure lots of Sith were convinced they’d found the secrets of immortality#never worked out for them#and getting murdered in their sleep by their apprentice? a dime a dozen with the Sith#“the chancellor is probably just conflating various stories about historical Sith…wait why was he talking about Sith legends anyway?” (via @jedi-order-apologist) I am crying at the idea that Jocasta Nu, after being asked by a manic Anakin Skywalker about the Darth Plagueis legend, says she doesn’t know anything about that name, but she does have a dozen other stories about various elements that sound halfway familiar, so perhaps this is an amalgamation of various other stories, and she dumps like TWENTY VOLUMES of encyclopedias about the Sith in Anakin’s lap and says, okay, everything you need to know is in these books.  And Anakin is saved from diving face first into the dark side through the power of him falling asleep in the third volume in the middle of the Jedi Archives because a) he hasn’t slept in a week and b) they’re not nearly as exciting as he thought they’d be.  Jocasta just drapes a cloak over his shoulders and leaves him be with a soft pat to his back, he looks like he needed the rest.

#the idea of jocasta being like ‘hmm yes im afraid the chancellor only has a layman’s understanding of sith legends’ is soooo funny (via @gil-estel) Jocasta’s reaction to hearing about Sheev’s story being, “Those citations sound like complete shit.” is absolutely sending me.  If you can’t properly cite your sources, Jocasta Nu isn’t buying your bullshit, Sidious.

it would have been really funny if palpatine enacted order 66 only to be immediately killed by one of his own clone guards who doesn’t really understand the difference between the sith and jedi and just sees palpatine with a lightsaber and goes “oh a jedi!” And point blank shoots him without hesitation

hot take: the relationship between Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader and Sheev Palpatine is one of the most hideously abusive relationships ever realized in fiction, and the effect Palpatine’s abuse had on Anakin/Darth Vader is criminally overlooked in 99% of Star Wars critical analyses. 

It’s also probably the most substantial depiction of grooming I’ve ever seen in the PG-13 action/sci-fi blockbuster genre. 

Are there AUs as good as Darth Vader inexplicably showing up during TCW and immediately hunting down Palpatine for Murder Purposes without explaining a goddamn thing to anyone about who he is or where he came from or why he's doing this? Yes. But this particular subgenre of a subgenre owns my heart on a regular basis. He's a nightmare and he's here to make it Sheev's problem and none of you are going to stop him because he somehow got close enough to force Sidious to fight back before you could get in the way and now there are two (two) Sith having a bitchfight in the middle of the Senate. Rule of Two who? There's three and two-thirds Sith running around right now and the most competently Sith-ish ones hate each other beyond reason despite Palpatine apparently not know what the fuck this guy's deal is???

(740): I have a surprise for you guys

(937): What is it?

(740): A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON’T ASK QUESTIONS

i know its supposed to be serious but i cant stop thinking of Palps going about it like the bagel vine

sheev palpatine genuinely looked at this nine year old chosen one and then spent the next fourteen years being insane about it, it’s hilarious in a deeply disturbing way. what age do you think he picked the name “darth vader” out by, did he wait until anakin hit puberty or did he wait longer to consider his options? because of course he’d have to spend his glorious sith empire saying that name, it might as well have a good amount of drama. can you imagine palpatine kindly listening to anakin, aged thirteen, prattle on about his problems but in his head he’s just picking out sith names? anakin’s talking about sitting alone at jedi lunch in the jedi cafeteria and palpatine’s planning his future career like one of those micromanaging parents except palpatine’s just way worse than that on every level. anakin’s talking about feeling lonely in jedi gym class and palpatine’s like “darth cairn? is that anything? is that a name that will strike fear into the hearts of every living sentient?”

there’s no way he didn’t have at least the designs for vader’s helmet drawn up beforehand, either, but it’s my undying headcanon that once palpatine realized anakin was afflicted by perpetual hayden christensen babyface he started trying to invent reasons to lock him in a suit of armor and throw away the key. anakin’s on leave and visiting his good friend the chancellor, talking about how nervous he is to be training a padawan, and palpatine’s not even listening because he’s trying to figure out how he can talk this dude into wearing sith armor and never taking it off. palpatine wondering if he has the kind of time to plant appearance-based insecurities, maybe get dooku to maul anakin a bit, and anakin’s just talking about his bright and happy little padawan completely heedless to the fact that palpatine’s toying with having him maimed for aesthetic reasons. did palpatine decide beforehand that he wanted his apprentice to be seven feet tall, or was that an opportunity he saw while vader was getting operated on and he just took the shot. fuck him up. add some vertebrae. palpatine was clearly planning a specific aesthetic for vader and as disturbing as that is, i just can’t get over the fact that it’s funny

actually palpatine is so fucking funny. like his backstory is literally Politican Even More Evil Than Previously Thought he doesnt have like a tragic upbringing he wasnt raised by like a cult or anything hes just a rich dude from naboo who decided to be the most evil guy ever for kicks