Goodbye message from Miss Usagi

I can't think of anything anymore. I feel like I've given all the advice and wisdom I have to give, and like nothing more I do or say will help. It will just be repetitive. I keep getting messages and requests, and I appreciate them all, but I never know what to say anymore. I'm sorry. I'm just don't think I can keep doing this. Every time. I think of something, all I can think of is the criticism or potential backlash that could come with it, and then I become petrified. I'm glad this blog helped people, and I'm grateful for the mods, those who post and those who no longer do, for their contributions as well. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep going. I've been quietly fading away from everything I love. I just felt like I owed you guys an explanation from before I was really gone. You're all very strong. I know you will stay that way. -Miss Usagi

Tw: death mention, Orlando mention, negative

I apologize for the silence and lack of pictures or anything. Since I started my job, my life has changed a lot. Some of it is good, but. My car broke down twice, the shooting happened, an acquaintance was killed in it, and I found out a friend of mine who had been trying to reach out was found dead of a drug overdose. She was my age. She came to my Pokemon and Harry Potter birthday parties when I was little and was one of my oldest friends. She loved Sailor Moon. I can't sleep anymore. I'm having a hard time finding positivity. I've been trying to think of something to say to you guys other than that I'm here, and even if things will never be the same, they will improve, but everything I can think of sounds wrong. Anyway I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. -Miss Usagi

My first day at work went incredibly well, actually. I had fun. Everyone was nice to me. We made each other laugh.

It’s a company I love and can believe in. I’m very happy. They’re buying us all lunch every day this week and part of my job now is helping design their training program.

Thank you for wishing me luck! Knowing I had people rooting for me and people who would be there even if I failed was wonderful!

-Miss Usagi

Miss Usagi life update:

A couple weeks ago, a company called me to ask if I could come in for an interview for a technical writing position. I said yes, even though I was terrified. I’ve never worked full time, or had a job like that. (Plus, it’s a bit of a commute.)

Anyway, I was able to overcome my nervousness, and I felt pretty good about the interview. I just told myself to pretend like I was going to visit some friends I haven’t seen in awhile, a trick my dad taught me.

They called me a couple days after the interview and offered me a job. I accepted.

Monday, I start. I’ve had many a panic attack thinking about the first day. It’s for quite a bit of money, at least, more than I’ve ever made, and I like them. I really do. I want to do well.

My mom took me shopping for job clothes. I’m insecure about my looks, so I was worried, but she soothed me and told me, “Dress how you want. Show them your best, most comfortable self. I promise they’ll see the beauty in you, even if you don’t.”

She also took me for a new haircut, with the hairdresser I’ve been seeing since I was 12. She told me: “Everyone gets nervous when they do something new. I’m in my 60′s, and I still do. Just know that the people in charge will know how you feel, it’s healthy. You’re nervous because you care.”

I decided to tell my dad when I got the job offer, and he was incredibly discouraging, (”Are you sure they’ll like you? It probably won’t work out. Oh by the way your stepgrandfather died today. Just so you know.”) which hurt me a lot, but I’m going to be okay.

In the middle of all this, my wonderful partner also got a job.

I’m very nervous, but I think my life might actually be...working out?

A couple weeks ago, I was sobbing and thinking I wanted to die. Now, I’m blissful.

Your entire life can turn around so easily. Please remember that. I want you to be around to see it.

-Miss Usagi

Sorry. Tumblr mobile glitched. Again. It reblogged stuff here that was meant for my personal blog. (At least my personal blog is mostly for just silly things.) I will respond to all the amazing positive messages I have gotten today. I didn't expect to get such a large amount, so it might take a little while. Thank you for being there for me. 💖💖 -Miss Usagi

I had to delete the donation post for personal reasons. I am sorry to do so, it can still be reblogged and I will not ask anyone who reblogged it to remove it. :)

Thank you to those who donated so far, I am incredibly grateful and it has helped out a lot! <3

There is still a link to the Paypal on my personal blog for those who would like to donate.

-Miss Usagi

Let your health be a top priority.

(TW for emeotophobia and blood mention)

Around my birthday a few months ago, I started throwing up for no reason. I figured it was stress. I changed my diet a bit, and went on anti-anxiety medication. It got worse. I ignored it and continued on with my life, finally getting to drive, getting a car, getting a job. I even ignored it when I started feeling dizzy all the time.I even to the doctor and they put me on medication, but it didn’t help. I kept assuming I was okay. I ignored how bad it got and didn’t tell anyone I was suffering.

I got worse after the physical stress of the job. Then, yesterday, I blacked out for a few seconds at work.I went out to my car and called my doctor during my lunch break, and told them what had happened. They were stunned and said, “You need to go to the hospital right NOW! You should not be working!”

I was reluctant. I didn’t think it would do any good. But I finally listened to my body, and decided to put my health first. I hadn’t been able to keep food down for days, but I thought, again, it was stress.

I drove myself to the hospital alone. I was shocked by how worried the doctor seemed, by how many tests they did. They even stuck a tube down my throat and put me on an IV!

Turns out I’m bleeding internally. Quite a bit. They don’t know why or where from. They do know I’m sicker than I’ve ever been, and that it’s lucky I went when I did. I’m home for now, but I have to have a lot more tests done soon and can’t work for awhile. I have to be kept under observation, and cared for. Both things I’m bad at.

Knowing that I put my health aside for some time, I worried about you guys, too. It’s so easy to put your health aside in the way of life, and to ignore your body or brain’s calls for help. Your health and happiness is tied to everything else in your life. Please, please take care of yourselves, Scouts. I’m thinking of you. <3

-Miss Usagi

Sailor Moon Says: It’s okay to feel hopeless. (Warning: Suicide and murder mention. Also sad.)

Not long ago, a friend of mine was murdered a few blocks from my old house, and she was murdered for being trans. (In fact, I met her when she read a remembrance speech for a trans friend of mine who committed suicide)

There was nothing I could do to help those who were grieving her loss quite harshly, and it was sad to watch her murder get swept under the rug rather quickly.

It also reminded me of all the friends I have who are trans, and the followers I have who are as well. I have lost a lot of people in my life to suicide, and a few to murder. Even more people I know have attempted suicide, myself included. I began to feel like it would never stop, I would constantly be losing the people I love. There’s not much I can do to stop it.

I lost hope in helping others. I felt like I could not really prevent anyone from hurting themselves again, much less cope with the possibility that someone else could hurt them.

I contemplated quitting the blog altogether, but then I channelled my inner Sailor Moon back, and thought about what she would say to me. I realized she would never want me to quit, and would point out all the messages I’ve gotten in the past, and all the people I have tried my best to help.

I know there will be many people who I cannot help. I know I will likely lose more friends, and I will grieve for them terribly, but I know it’s okay to feel hopeless.

And I know now, that even feeling hopeless, I have to try. I have to keep going. Sailor Scouts always do.

Your inner Sailor Scout will always be there to help you, and I will always try my best to do so as well.

-Miss Usagi