O C4PTOR! MY C4PTOR!

First stanza by urbanAnchorite, second and third stanzas by me. Apologies to Walt Whitman, Andrew Hussie, and everybody else.

O C4PTOR! MY C4PTOR! OUR F34RFUL FL1GHT 1S DON3 TH3 M3T3OR GOT S4F3LY TO TH1S SM3LLY L1M3Y SUN OUR HUM4NS N34R TH3 B1G GR33N SPH3R3 W1TH K4RK4T ST1LL UPCHUCK1NG 1 WORRY TH4T, THROUGH L4CK OF COOL, OUR M33T1NG 3NDS UP SUCK1NG; BUT O SN1FF! SN1FF! SN1FF! L1K3 B4N4N4 P13 OFFLO4D3D, UPON TH1S ROCK MY C4PTOR L13S, 4 MUST4RD POT 3XPLOD3D >:[

O C4PTOR! MY C4PTOR! R1S3 UP 4ND SN1FF TH3 SC3N3 TH3 COOLK1D SM3LLS L1K3 STR4WB3RR13S, H1S S1ST3R’S T4NG3R1N3 TH3 HUM4NS DON’T KNOW WHO YOU 4R3, YOU ST4Y3D OFF P3ST3RCHUM BUT S1NC3 YOU JUST SAV3D 4LL OUR BUTTS TH4T S33MS UNF41R 4ND DUMB - O C4PTOR! YOU 4SSHOL3! STOP LOLL1NG ON TH3 FLOOR! 1 H3R3 D3CL4R3 TH4T B31NG D34D 1S NOW 4G41NST TH3 L4W >:]

MY C4PTOR DO3S NOT 4NSW3R, H3 W1LL NOT MOCK OR SCOFF 1 DRUB H1M BUT H3 M4K3S NO MOV3, NOR T3LLS M3 TO FUCK OFF TH3 SUN 1S GR33N 4S 4C1D POPS, 1T T1NGL3S 1N MY SNOUT, K4N4Y4 BLUSH3S GR33N3R Y3T, 4ND K4RK4T’S FR34K1NG OUT; SO FL1RT, O BRO4DS, 4ND HONK, O CLOWNS! BUT 1, W1TH DROOP1NG H34D, ST4ND S3NTRY WH3R3 MY C4PTOR L13S, F4LL3N COLD 4ND D34D.