Journal 25.05.23-27.07.23
(from Notes App)
“Do you really want to go through life, giving people exactly what’s expected of you?”- antoni on queer eye, on (not) embracing your queerness
“It’s not fair for you to be living in a corner, while other people are running free” - Karamo on queer eye, on conbating internalized homophobia and being comfortable being yourself and taking up space with your queerness
24.05.23
- [ ] Cried a bit at yoga- light next, to me light above me, light under me, light in me- at the end of the session
- [ ] Yoga helping me express my emotions is probs a good thing! Hehe
- [ ] “Can begin dreaming of a world where your soul bursts with aliveness? Can you begin dreaming that world into being”- squirrel dialogues, tiktok, on motivation, feeling stuck, and overwhelm
- [ ] ^ i picture fireworks of my soul exploding out from me into the world
- [ ] “(Cis) Women are raised under patriarchy to be incredibly codependent, and have a thermometer up the butt of everyone around us, especially men”- Melanie Hamlett on tiktok, for dealing with king babies/anticipating king babies’ moods, people pleasing
- [ ] It’s hard for me to decide in what direction I want to go right now because I feel a to make a career decision that would make my parents happy, because they are the ones currently paying for my expenses. But i guess no matter what job I have, I will hopefully be able to pay all of my expenses myself. Also through my relationship with Justin and through years of people pleasing, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self and what I value or even like or dislike. I feel like it’s very hard for me to tell how I feel about things. I takes time for me to process my emotions, if at all. I’m working to better this by starting doing more activities I like, such as Ultimate Frisbee and Yoga.
29.05.23
i want wonder
I want independence
I want community
I want excitement
I want passion
I want intrigue
I want exploration
I want doing
I want being
“Is what I’m holding on to also holding on to me?”
01.06.2023
- [ ] Having friends is not the same as caring about your friends
- [ ] Not asking questions is “not disinterest, it’s disdain”
- [ ] My mom trauma-dumps on me and my siblings all of the time
03.06
- [ ] Is it selfish to not have kids? Or was my mom selfish to have kids so she could use them to feel loved/use them emotionally?
05.06
- [ ] I don’t have to get everything done all at once. I can start one thing at a time, and this is okay.
- [ ] I think I would dissociate when my parents fought when I was growing up because I was scared I was going to get hurt, with the yelling, slamming cupboards/doors, etc. It felt like a real threat. I guess that’s when I learned the anxiety response to dissociate. Now that I’ve been feeling dissociative almost every day for over a month- May 3 at the piercing shop is when I really noticed it- I’m wondering what triggered it and why am I still dissociating. I think my dissociation is depersonalization, because I feel like I’m just in my head and my body and what I do doesn’t feel real. Kind of like a dreamlike state where I don’t have control. It’s pretty damn uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to deal with it right now.
08.06
- [ ] I overexplain myself to men because my didn’t really listen to me/engage with thoughts and opinions growing up
- [ ] Jos would literally just suggest to me to start any of his hobbies/things he was obsessed with. Even though he knew I had no interest in extreme sports, harvesting and selling catci, etc. He was only concerned about himself and centered himself- didn’t give a shit about my interests
13.6
- [ ] I think I give people(current partner and past partners) excuses/the benefit of the doubt to A. not acknowledge what I’m feeling and B. Because I’m super interested in the “why” of everything in the world so I keep hope that there’s a “why” that I can use as an excuse
15.06
- [ ] I’m buying myself a camera as a graduation gift. I deserve a graduation gift for first of all graduating, second of all not killing myself, and third of all for dealing with all that shit in the past year.
- [ ] Dad said I shouldn’t take out my invested money for it and instead I could take out a loan from him. But I don’t want to be dependent on him. I want to buy this for myself now, so I can start creating a portfolio for myself. It’s my money and I can do what I want with it.
15.06
- [ ] My mom rarely says encouraging words about me being in Germany and generally just tells me to come back and how it’s better im the USA. That gets old, and it’s tiring. I made my decision to move here and made my decision to stay here. Would be nice to hear some encouragement about that once and a while. Cause it probably contributes to my constant feel of guilt- her always telling me to come back.
- [ ] My strengths- I’m very adaptable
17.06
- [ ] “When we stop fearing laziness, we can find time to reflect and recharge, to reconnect with the people and hobbies that we love, and to move through the world at a more intentional, peaceful pace. “Wasting time” is a basic human need.”
19.06
- [ ] I need someone who validates me. I can’t say that Patrice really does. My mom almost never does, and my dad almost never does. That’s very frustrating for me to feel heard. So I think I’ve just stopped expressing the worst of my experiences (for example, with depression) because A. I don’t want to feel like a burden and B. I feel I won’t get the validation I desire.
22.06
- [ ] I’m happy I’ve made a decision for myself, my worth, and my happiness (i.e. breaking up with Patrice).
22.06
- [ ] “Leipzig ist das kleine Paris”
- [ ] Leipzig- has a bit of a bug city feeling- some place loud, traffic, can’t see anything other than the city- can’t see mountains or something- sometimes I feel trapped in places like this. Because size so big, maybe overwhelming for me? Like traveling far distances and stuff? Idk
- [ ] Pretty architecture, punk style everywhere, the rivers/streams are nice. Tons of people kayaking but idk where you can swim here- probs the lakes nearby. It doesn’t feel crowded like Berlin, which is nice. Some streets felt completely deserted from people. Very few people of color
25.06
- [ ] “Fuck figuring out who you’re meant to be. Stay lost as long as you can.”- Do Revenge
03.07
- [ ] “Don’t date just to date, just cause you’re alone, just because you’re avoiding yourself or your trauma, or just because you’re afraid”- Melanie Hamlett
05.07
- [ ] Since about the middle of May, about a month and a half, I felt like I was constantly dissociating. It fucking sucked. I didn’t feel real, I felt like I was playing a character in a video game. I think it has been because of my increased anxiety. I also started to blink a lot during this time. Since this past weekend I have felt way less dissociative and I really appreciate that. The numbness feels a little less bad. I can process things a bit more clearly. I feel more alive.
- [ ] My body has taken on a very strong freeze response after being suicidal this past winter, adjusting to being back in Germany, and feeling pressure from my parents to get a job. The job search has had ups and downs, but I’m starting to figure out what I want/what job would work best for me during this time. During an interview in Heidelberg last week, the interviewer straight up asked why I’m applying for this office job while I have a Master’s degree. And that really hit me hard. I’m hoping to find a job where I only have to work 75% and can use my free time to do photography and travel. I’m also looking for a job that pays well enough and to the level of someone with a Master’s degree. And hopefully the job isn’t all computer work- that is way too boring for me and I will literally fall asleep.
17.07
It would be so cool if…
- [ ] I photographed friends ans made a portfolio with my view camera (!)
- [ ] I became a freelancer
- [ ] I started choosing myself, not men I could date, first
20.07
- [ ] Don’t date someone who’s not interested in me. Don’t chase people. Don’t date someone who is immediately too excited/overinterested in me- they might just like me for superficial reasons, they need to get to know me (and I them)
21.07
- [ ] Watering can as purse
27.07
- [ ] Sometimes I feel like I can’t do shit for myself because I’m the one I’m upset with. I’m the one I’m ashamed of. I leave my kitchen dirty- flies, mold, smells, and all for weeks without cleaning it up. Not a clean bowl in sight- I can’t cook because nothing is clean and I can’t clean because I don’t have the energy and I hate the feeling of cleaning. And am I doing this just to spite myself? Just to wallow in self-pity? I’m not sure. I really just think my depression doesn’t allow me to have the energy (mentally, physically) to keep up with tasks. It’s hard enough to shower a couple of times a week. It’s hard enough to take Ruby out for walks. It’s hard enough to sit myself down and read one of the books I’ve been trying to read. I spend hours on my phone on social media to numb the pain, to numb myself, to quiet the thoughts that are constantly running through my head. It’s just a lot.
