Journal 7/27/2023-12/13/2023
(from Notes app)
27.07
- [ ] I can create my world of flowers, trees, love and happiness. I can be anything- I just need to do it.
31.07
- [ ] My mom holds onto everything. She doesn’t get over things
01.08
- [ ] I feel like I’ve been feeling burnt out lately because I’ve been processing decisions (like doing my Master’s degree that I didn’t care about and moving to a random city), relationships, etc. recently and it’s been exhausting but I’m learning a lot. I’m really trying to listen to myself and what I’m feeling and trying to figure out what I want now more than ever, instead of letting things just slide by/not considering my needs in my decision-making process. I’m working on trying to be more connected with myself and putting my voice first, not expectations of how I should be first.
- [ ] And with that work I’m tired, I’m low energy and I’m feeling a lot more than before. I still feel like I’m not feeling every single thing, but I definitely have opened up to feeling more. And with that, I have to process more.
03.08
- [ ] I think I’m too tied up in what my parents think of me and what I’m doing. For that reason, I think I will lesson my contact with them maybe once I start a job just so I can have space from their (sometimes just perceived) expectations. I got a Management degree thinking it would impress them and I fully regret getting that degree now. Wasn’t something I was really interested in.
03.08
- [ ] “I am enough to fight for. I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of fighting for the good things in my life.”
06.08
- [ ] DPDR- Depersonalization-Derealization disorder: what I’ve been struggling with for the past couple of months (and before that, in Fall/Winter of last year). It has been ebbing and flowing but overall I think it’s getting better. (Or I’m just getting used to it) but I think it’s getting better because I’m not getting upset by it as much.
13.08
- [ ] I like that I’m impressionable and keep myself open to new ideas and experiences.
14,08
- [ ] I’m trying to figure out who I am- my needs, my wants, my values- because I feel like I did my Master’s degree to make my parents happy/for their approval and I don’t feel fulfilled with that decision and am trying to figure out what to do with my life and consider what I want, the most.
- [ ] I’m trying to connect with myself because I haven’t for so long.
- [ ] I need to center my wants and needs.
14.08
- [ ] “A mind too active is no mind at all.”- Theodore Roethke
- [ ] I have been overthinking/having racing thoughts from the moment I wake up til I finally fall asleep for the past few weeks. I really do feel like my mind doesn’t work anymore/I feel out of it from all the overthinking and dissociating.
22.08
- [ ] “Do what intrigues you, explore what interests you; think mystery, not mastery.” - the Artist’s Way- for filling the artistic well
- [ ] I think I go into a freeze response because when I was a kid and my parents were fighting, I needed to react as little as possible and hide my discomfort so that I could protect myself and feel like I was staying safe.
- [ ] Maybe I felt lonely in high school when my siblings were off at college, etc. and I was the only kid in the house.
24.08
- [ ] I had so many good cat neighbors in Freiburg. Lots of cats to pet
- [ ] I think it’s so easy for me to he in a relationship with someone/to have fallen into so many relationships because I love people as a whole so much. And I want people to feel heard and appreciated. But I just haven’t set standards for myself, until now, where I’m currently trying to figure out my standards. But like I think so many people deserve to feel seen and heard and I felt like I could provide that and I did provide that- but not always for people with whom I was compatible or who I really liked or who really liked me. I have given way too many people chances rather getting to the root of what I want and need. I have wasted time and energy on so many men. I’m trying to focus on giving experiences to myself and spending time with myself and loving myself now.
- [ ] “Tell your friends the things you want to hold back from telling about your romantic relationships. Your friends will help you protect yourself and are there for you. Your friends will hold a microphone to your intuition.” - Mel. Also about listening to your intuition about things you think aren’t right about your relationship that you feel to scared to tell your friends but you need to tell your friends. A good friend will fight for you and support you.
- [ ] I didn’t say so much of what toxic shit Justin was telling me and how poorly (and sometimes scary) he was acting towards our relationship. I held that all in and it ate me up inside. But I should’ve told my friends. Instead, I would try to justify it. But really, my friends would’ve been there for me and would’ve helped me see how toxic and unhealthy the relationship was. Of course, Justin isolating me from my friends due to his jealousy and deep insecurity preventing me from spending a lot of time with my friends and maintaining my friendships well.
26.08
- [ ] Mom says “family is everything” and yet she eroded any relationship my siblings and I had with our father growing up by badmouthing him, giving us negative details about their marriage, and generally making dad seem like the horrible person, and me, in-turn, thinking my mom was a basically perfect parent until I went to therapy in Freiburg and my therapist said my mom manipulated her kids and emotionally abused us so that she felt loved by us, since she didn’t (and doesn’t) feel loved by my father. That’s so fucking sad.
31.08
- [ ] “Are you letting yourself down?” -Queer Eye
- [ ] It took me three months to finally write and send an email to my former employer’s HR person asking for my job reference (and providing bullet points of tasks I did in the role). If that doesn’t show the state of my summer…I was stressed out (still am) convinced that this person hates me and most people who worked with me at the Karls hated me. I thought about writing that email almost every day for 3 months, never being able to convince myself to do it. Doubt and fear have really had tight grips on me recently:
3.09
- [ ] Create a life that you would be happy living
- [ ] “You can savor anything you find pleasant…all you have to do is approach it with slow, mindful gratitude, rather than seeing it as an item on a to-do list that you have to check off.”- Laziness Does Not Exist
- [ ] - even taking Ruby to the park to chill and read a bit is stressful to move myself to get myself out of the house to do. Then once I’m there, I really appreciate it. I need to work on taking a more mindful approach to nice nature chill moments like this
- [ ] “Savoring is the process of deeply and presently enjoying a positive experience” - Dr. Devon Price recommends savoring to find joy and meaning in life
- [ ] Oof, I do a lot of these
15.09
- [ ] On moving out of Karlsruhe and to Freiburg: I want more for myself
- [ ] “Breathing and being” - TikTok squirrel
- [ ] I feel like I’m holding myself back. From trying new things/doing things that scare me (starting tiktok/insta for castles, developing my film and diving deeper into my photography, applying for jobs -especially in Freiburg-, etc.)
21.09
- [ ] After getting through wanting to kill myself at the end of 2022, I decided that I need to prioritize my friendships and time spent with loved ones. They’re one of the most valuable parts of life. I wanted to develop my friendships and embrace the love I give and receive in them. Literally, life is nothing without friends. I’ve also wanted to prioritize my time out in nature, because being in nature makes life worth living for me. I want to work more on that prioritization from now on.
28.09
- [ ] “A lovely gate provided”
01.10
- [ ] Teo is enabling Julien by being his friend- he’s a fucking misogynistic asshole and she knows that. I judge her for the company she keeps.
13.10
- [ ] In the past, I’ve dated men I’ve felt sorry for. I’ve pitied them
- [ ] Anna Linemann has put a microphone up to my intuition calling me out when I was upset because I thought Diego didn’t want to date me and she said “you just told me a couple of months ago you didn’t want to be in a relationship for a while” - and this is so true and I’m very happy she spoke up and supported me that way. I am not in a position to be in a relationship right now (I am hoping to see Diego casually, but don’t necessarily have to become his partner- although I think I might want to) and so I want to express that to Diego and it really is okay if we just date casually right now/in the near future.
24.10
- [ ] One of those days where I feel like I’m underwater and I can’t access happiness.
- [ ] Went to a secondhand shop and it was hard for me to interact with the “real” world. It didn’t feel real/there was a wall between me and it.
30.10
- [ ] Good prescribed iron last week after a bloodtest revealing low iron levels which is means for an anemia diagnosis. It feels really good to have that confirmed- especially because of the extreme tiredness I’ve been feeling the past few months. Fatigue is a top symptom of anemia and I feel like fatigue has been preventing me from doing so much recently. I have felt absolutely plagued by it. I really really hope the iron supplements help out with that. It’s exhausting to feel tired all the time. I also have been having heart palpitations while I’m just sitting chilling which can be a symptom of anemia.
31.10
- [ ] Mom would vent to us about dad as we were kids (and still does) and that was unfair to us.
04.11
- [ ] The universe of you
05.11
- [ ] Yesterday Diego and I had our picture taken at the dino ride at Europa Park and I made peace signs with my hands and he said “It’s like that photo of us at the chalet (the one from my first trip there and we’re on the couch together), except this time I leaned in 🥺” (cause I made fun of him for looking like he was keeping as much space from me as possible in the original pic- he had a gf at the time). It was so cute of him
- [ ] He thought it was cute how nervous I was going up the big coaster with him
13.11
- [ ] What is a life that I don’t feel like I have to run away from? - Self Experimenting, tiktok- in brainstorming how I want my life to look like in 6 months
- [ ] “The world is your stage but no one is watching. Make mistakes…they don’t mind!”
- [ ] Diego put his arm around my shoulder and held me and I leaned my head into his chest and he rested his head on mine and I rested my hand on his thigh as we watched Portlandia together on the train from Zürich to Basel
20.11
- [ ] I’m sick of the apathy (depression)
- [ ] I can’t access happiness again and I fucking hate that
23.11
- [ ] My mom lives in the past with the things she talks about. She doesn’t express excitement for the future, just anxiety and frustration.
- [ ] “Do little things to make you proud of yourself. Those things build on each other.” - Melanie Hamlett
- [ ] I changed for the worse when I was with Justin.
- [ ] “Replace scrolling with learning”
24.11
- [ ] My mom used us to regulate her own emotions, instead of her partner or her friends, and still does.
- [ ] It’s hard for me to fully enjoy visiting home because every time I have to reenter the toxic hellfire that is my parents’ relationship and it’s hard to stay calm.
27.11
27.11
- [ ] Diego said we don’t have to beat around the bush referring to us showing that we’re seeing each other at the chalet this year. Excited to cuddle with him and kiss him there 😊
29.11
- [ ] My mom mentioned that she doesn’t leave my dad because he would be alone. A. Maybe he would be; maybe he wouldn’t be- she can’t predict that. And B. It’s not her fucking responsibility to “make sure” he’s not alone. That’s such a cop-out and it puts her in the position of making herself a martyr. It’s so frustrating. I think she’s projecting, because she fears being alone if she left him.
01.12
- [ ] I felt abandoned the night I went to Freiburg to get support from Teo in September
- [ ] I wish someone would’ve asked younger me how I was feeling after my aunt and grandparents dies. Absolutely no one was there to support us emotionally during that time. My mom was overwhelmed herself and both of my parents don’t know how to handle their emotions.
- [ ] Me pushing down my feelings/not expressing my opinions on things when I’m in people-pleasing mode might come from my dad telling me that “others have it worse” and “there are kids around the world suffering” whenever I would be upset as a kid. And now I absolutely loathe and try not to show being upset in front of anyone a lot, except when I’m with my close friends and I’m so upset that it’s dire.
04.11
- [ ] What does future Anna need from me today?
09.12
- [ ] I wanna have my own back instead of being upset with myself/disliking myself
- [ ] I’m not sure my mom was able to emotionally support us kids ever.
10.12.23
- [ ] I wonder if my concern and OCD obsession with whether or not my mom will be safe/die is because my mom made it our job as kids to be concerned for her and to support her emotionally.
- [ ] I want to work on self-advocacy
11.12
- [ ] The other night about a month ago I had gone to a little game night after frisbee practice that was in way too brightly lit room in some random building with. I ended up sitting with only Germans at my table, which I think was a mistake. And that night I don’t think I had ever felt so foreign in Germany as I had in a long time I approached the games differently. Someone made fun of me for miss hearing something in German, and I just overall couldn’t connect with the people I was playing with, and I felt like such a fucking outsider and it was so weird because one of the coaches was surprised that I was German, I mentioned that English was my first language and they were like oh I didn’t know like where are you from and it’s just weird to be at a point where in some cases like at a game night or like when maybe there’s not too deep of conversation or too complicated conversation. I can disguise myself as maybe being German, and that’s wild, but that happened the night that I just felt like such a fucking foreigner, who didn’t belong, and I just couldn’t integrate myself with these people playing the games and I love boardgames, but after I left the party, I just cried it -really hurt me.
- [ ] There’s just such a profound loneliness with living abroad and having to put so much extra effort into every relationship and friendship you have in every way of interacting with people and I know that shows this I completely chose this, but sometimes I forget how hard it is, and those reminders can be very painful.
- [ ] I think it also felt extra bad because I had joined ultimate frisbee. Not only to do something with my body is a good distraction for my thoughts, but also to feel sense of community and to make some friends and although I have made some quasi friends through frisbee that was during the first course. And the second course I really didn’t make new contacts and everyone felt more serious about the way they took the sport versus the first course felt more like people were just trying out something new is less competitive and so it just hurt because this was me pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do a sport with mostly Germans in a sport that I’m not necessarily good at. I’m just trying out And I just didn’t feel motivated anymore to keep going to practice after that night cause I didn’t want to see the people again.
12.12
- [ ] This past weekend I kissed Diego in the woods in the middle of the night in each other’s arms standing under the stars and it was so sweet
13.12
- [ ] It is so stressful being around my parents because they so clearly loathe each other and are so disrespectful to one another.
- [ ] My dad would compare me to my siblings when I would do something wrong, saying “your siblings never did anything like this,” which in turn made me always feel like there was something wrong with me. I still carry a lot of shame about myself to this day and hide my true self from a lot of people for fear of judgement or being seen as weird. My feelings of shame about myself also contribute to my low self-esteem.
