Journal Dec. 14, 2023- June 29, 2024
(From Notes App)
14.12
- [ ] Also, Dad telling me comparing me to my siblings every time I made a mistake made me scared to ever make a mistake again. This has contributed to my all or nothing thinking and perfectionism. I’m so afraid to try so much in my life for fear of making a mistake and being a “failure.” I got in trouble for and was judged by my dad for making mistakes, instead of my mistakes being accepted as human.
18.12.23
- [ ] This year I made it, and that’s huge.
- [ ] My mom is bad at providing emotional validation- we have to emotionally validate her all of the time.
19.12
- [ ] I moved abroad because something inside wanted to move, to get out. I kept feeling the pull of something different than my life in the States. There was some magnetic force driving me towards a life abroad.
01.01.24
- [ ] You already have all you need inside of you.
02.01.24
- [ ] “Some mistake take us to the right places”- Master’s degree, moving to Karlsruhe, etc.
09.01
- [ ] Diego- where does his motivation to work hard come from? As far as him mentioning (in September) not wanting to be in a relationship with me- is it self-sabotage? Does he think he’s not good enough? Does he fear failure (yes, black/white thinking)
09.01
- [ ] I am resilient (water damage in my apartment) and maybe a bit delusional (using almost no energy to worry about it and believing everything will work out just fine.)
17.01
- [ ] Being in “survival mode” and being detached from my body sensations like not being able to tell that I was hungry or only a faint idea that I had to pee
22.01
- [ ] Sometimes I expect Diego to show a bit more emotional depth but I was talking with a coworker and maybe he hasn’t had the opportunity to really show that. I act closed off and don’t share too many emotional details about my life because I’m scared of being perceived as weak or flawed. Sometimes I just expect people to know how I’m feeling and be ready to take care of me emotionally without me explicitly expressing how I feel. And then I get disappointed when people aren’t sensitive to my needs, which is nonsense/unfair. I act like I’m open, but it’s hard for me to open up.
23.01
- [ ] Maybe I was so concerned with following the rules and being “good” and “nice” and “obedient” as a kid because my mom expected us tobe quiet and sit still and not make noises as a kid or she would yell at us.
24.01
- [ ] The rooster in the mirror is yourself
26.01
- [ ] Does Diego ask me questions about me/my life?
- [ ] Don’t try to live someone else’s life
28.01
- [ ] “Nothing changes if nothing changes”
31.01
- [ ] I told Jos I loved Freiburg and he said “everyone loves Freiburg,” like it was a bad thing. He couldn’t like anything that anyone else liked. He had a fucking car and never offered to take me there or anything. He just ignored it because he was above liking anything that was popular. Where’s the fun in that? Freiburg is so much better than the shithole town he stayed in: Germersheim.
05.02
- [ ] Since the Winter of 2022 at one of the lowest points of my life, I have tried to play a more active role in my life- prioritizing what makes me feel happy and at peace. Nature and friends
- [ ] Realized that sometimes I don’t feel calm/safe enough to take a shower. Other times I just can’t face the fact that I have body that needs to be taken care off because I am so overwhelmed/sad trying to survive every day.
- [ ] My mom is very resentful and a lot of what she does seems to be in her framing of spiting others
06.02
- [ ] I think I’ve been avoiding creative jobs/a creative because they feel very exposing. Behind my art, there is me. But behind a random spreadsheet, I can hide/there is no part of me in it (which only adds to its feeling of “meaninglessness”)
07.02
- [ ] I think I’ve taken some of these past jobs (besides for eventual financial independence) to avoid doing really anything at all. Hiding behind doing nothing felt safe. I didn’t have to expect anything of myself in these jobs. I didn’t have to be vulnerable in these jobs. Working on my own projects will force vulnerability, which is terrifying but hopefully relieving as well.
08.02
- [ ] Maybe I can take myself more seriously and trust myself 🤷🏻♀️ quit my job today.
09.02
- [ ] Maybe I repeat myself and it’s hard for me to explain myself and feel listened to and understood because I didn’t feel like my mom actually listened to what I said and showed empathy towards what I was saying as a child (and still now). She would always question it or just go into how she felt about something. She didn’t allow me space to feel how I felt. And as an adult I’ve realized that I’m barely in tune with my emotions (I’m working on it) and I’ve had to suppress so many emotions throughout my life (growing up, in order to avoid huge backlash/responses from my mom and dad and in oder to “keep the peace”) and still continue to do so.
- [ ] Very happy that my dad has been so supportive of me knowing my decision to quit my current job. He really was empathetic to me feeling unsafe and upset by my boss and him saying that he wouldn’t he disappointed if I quit meant a lot (even if I am trying to distance myself more from the expectations of my parents and live life for me).
11.02
- [ ] I try to make sure everyone is okay in social situations because as a kid I was used by my mom for her to feel okay/she threw so many of her problems and emotions onto us as kids and it was our job to comfort her. Totally inappropriate.
14.02
- [ ] As a kid my mom would ask me “why are you crying?” Kinda in a judgmental tone instead of just comforting me when I cried. She didn’t validate my emotions
- [ ] Surely we were “well-behaved” as kids, but where has that gotten us now? Keeping ourselves from expressing ourselves and tiptoeing around others
15.02
- [ ] Been noticing my dissociation a lot more recently
16.02
- [ ] I couldn’t shower for a full week (Friday to Thursday) because I was so stressed about work. Sometimes I think I can’t shower cause I can’t let myself relax and actually recognize I have a body for any period of time. I get so stuck in my head sometimes that I’m in a survival mode, and somehow don’t feel safe to let my guard down and shower.
20.02
- [ ] I act like I’m an inconvenience to myself- oof. I think it makes it easier for me to justify to myself not caring for myself (basic care, etc.)
21.02
- [ ] Last day of my stupidass job who the fuck goes to their employee’s home uninvited and rings their doorbell???? Like what the fuck is wrong with that man I am livid now that I feel safe to be what the actual fuck.
- [ ] I felt like I was holding my breath in that office for the last month.
23.02
- [ ] I did have the mental space to focus on my apartment and arranging it and decorating it and now I have time to focus on that which is nice. I would come home from work most days and nap for hours.
27.02
- [ ] I’m a people pleaser because I was used by my mom to fulfill her emotional needs my entire life and I had to suppress my emotional needs.
- [ ] I dissociated so hard today that I printed out 100 extra copies of what I was printing at a copy shop. €50 worth of copies. I’ve been in a state of overwhelm since I’ve thought that I had another hernia two days ago. The thought of needing surgery has sent me into a spiral.
03.03
- [ ] I don’t need any extra pressure in my life right now. I can’t handle any extra pressure (from my parents) in my life right now. That’s why I’ll be financing myself for the next couple of months until I find a job.
- [ ] It may realistically take months. The people who graduated with me with the strongest resumes took 6 months to find a job. Some were even German.
- [ ] I don’t see any other option than to finance myself in order to maintain my cool during the job searching process
04.03
- [ ] In constantly comparing me to my grandma, my mom has told me who I am my entire life. I struggle with finding my own identity and being proud and loving of myself.
05.03
- [ ] Trying to work through my people pleasing but I have felt responsible for other people’s happiness and comfort and moods my whole life and that’s because my mom made me and my siblings responsible for her emotions. Like I have really thought it was my job to make others feel happy and comfortable my whole life. And if I can’t manage that, I’ve fucked up. It is so much pressure I’ve put on myself and absolutely unrealistic. It is up to others to manage their own moods and feelings.
- [ ] I have been incredibly dissociative the past couple of days since my dad called me for two minutes to tell me to get a boring job and that I can’t use my money to fund myself. I felt dizzy yesterday and today and had brain zaps today plus an overwhelming buzz/static feeling in my head come over me.
- [ ] When I talk to my mom I don’t feel heard or understood.
- [ ] I think I started pulling out my pubic and leg hair as a child as a way to dissociate and numb myself from my feelings.
- [ ] We had no outlet to work through our grief caused by familial deaths in our (my siblings’ and my) childhoods
08.03
- [ ] A lot of times I feel like I need permission from outside sources to do things but I could just grant myself permission to make decisions for myself.
15.03
- [ ] My parents have different perspectives and opinions than me on how I should live my life and I want to learn to accept that while also following the path I want to take and supporting my opinions on my life.
20.03
- [ ] Told Helen that Germany was culturally autistic: the rule-following, the taking things too seriously/struggling with sarcasm/not immediately understanding nuisance, etc.
23.03
- [ ] I’ve been feeling anhedonia (lacking of feeling any pleasure) for the past couple of weeks since the week/right before Helen came to visit, and that has really sucked. It’s one of those experiences where I feel like I’m underwater and I can’t get to the surface to feel any joy about anything. It’s absolutely devastating to know you normally like enjoying certain things and you’re completely numb to feeling any happiness from then. And from there I question whether it’s worth living if I can’t feel any joy. It had been weeks of anhedonia and it’s slowly starting to lift. I was at Linus’s for the weekend and I just noticed how I couldn’t feel excitement for anything- hanging out with him, a board game night, fun foods, etc. And this evening those clouds lifted a little and I think I’m getting back to feeling, which is a huge relief.
26.03
- [ ] Should I study forestry? Ecology? Biology?
27.03
- [ ] I’m still hurt and uoset about the whole thing with my old boss. I don’t feel safe in my apartment sometimes and think he’s going to try to find me here again. Mom said I should look for other apartments and I agree.
- [ ] I need to keep moving forward. I keep thinking about what happened with my boss and keep retraumitizing myself. I need to love myself. Can see in 6 months from now once I have a job/something more figured out if I still want to move, etc
- [ ] I‘m disappointed in myself for having to quit my last job but I know I shouldn’t be because it’s not my fault what my boss did. But I still feel so much guilt for never formally complaining and hopefully helping the other mostly young, foreign women working there. But I had to get out because my mental health was plummeting and I didn’t feel safe working there anymore. I need to accept that fact that I quit and that I am currently paying for an apartment with way too high of rent that I feel guilty about. I need to let myself accept my decisions and look for better options in my future.
30.03
- [ ] Told Diego I don’t have the ability to relax fully for the most part when I’m hanging out with him because I still feel like I have to impress him in some way (seeking his approval because we are not a stable or official thing). Which he said he appreciates knowing. He hangs out with me and thinks oh this and nice and fun, and he wanted to know how I feel about it. He said he hasn’t met someone yet where he wants to be in a relationship with them. And of course, I need to take that by face value. He said he didn’t know at what point he will want to be in a relationship again or how he will know he does. He said he fears starting a relationship with someone and then staying in too long (I imagine he did this with his ex because they were together for 7 years). I told him how I’m always the one to leave relationships/break up with people, and that I’ve chosen non-compatible people to be with and have jumped into relationships too soon. He said he wants to be able to explore his freedom right now, especially after his long relationship. I said I feared the point and the sadness when we stop seeing each other, and when I see him in the future with someone else. And that I’m not really interested in going through the effort of dating people right now, and in a way, it’s just convenient to see Diego because I know him and already like him.
31.03
- [ ] “If you don’t try, you can’t fail, but you also can’t succeed”
- [ ] To Diego: I like you too much to keep seeing you as more than a friend because it hurts.
- [ ] - : thank you again for starting the conversation- it helped me confront how I’ve been feeling.
- [ ] Diego listened to me without shame or judgement. It just sucks to consider losing hanging out with him this way, I really have enjoyed our time together and getting closer and getting to know each other. Maybe in a friendship in the future that can continue, but I will most likely need time/space until then.
- [ ] I need a sense of security and I can’t get that in what we currently have.
- [ ] Diego explained that he fears if he gets into a relationship he’ll just hide in his room all the time and dating gives him a reason to go out and socialize. That may be the case but also being in a relationship doesn’t need to be the reason why someone holes up in the their room/a relationship can give someone the opportunity to do more things out and about than they usually do.
- [ ] I like him a lot and I want a sense of security with him, which I’m not sure how I can get without being in a/starting a relationship with him. I want to be with him.
What I sent him:
Hey you, I thought about everything and I think we should stop seeing each other as more than friends :/ Our conversation Saturday made me confront my feelings that I’ve kinda been pushing down for some time: I like you too much to see you as more than a friend (but not be in a relationship with you) because it hurts. I need a sense of security and I can’t get that in what we currently have.
Still really happy you checked in with me on Saturday and initiated that conversation. I don’t hate you and I’m fine to chill with you in a group in a future 😊 I just need some time until I could chill with you one-on-one again and could pursue a “normal” friendship, if that’s an option for you.
I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you better and having fun with you 😊
Thanks for your patience and care the other day.
Hope your duolingo Sunday was a success 💪
01.04
- [ ] I can feel myself being upset with breaking things off with Diego, and not “waiting it out” but I think I’ve been “waiting it out” for months now, and his opinion on whether or not he wanted a relationship wasn’t going to change. It was never my job to change it. I was chasing fantasy. I was falling in love with a fantasy: a fantasy of what could’ve been. But it wasn’t a full fletch relationship. We weren’t even together like a relationship. It was definitely situationship and I need to remind myself that. There’s nothing beneficial me being upset with myself. It’s better that I’ve listened to my needs, and not drag this out in the risk of developing even stronger feelings, and being even more hurt in the future because Diego was clear from the beginning, but he didn’t necessarily want a relationship. And his thoughts didn’t change after we had started seeing each other. It’s gonna be a tough next couple of weeks I imagine, but I hope I can get over him in the fantasy of him soon and comfort myself along the way.
02.04
- [ ] I’m not very upset with myself for choosing to see Diego in the first place last fall because I got to pursue my years long crush and see how it would play out being more than friends with him. I’m glad I got to experience that.
06.04
- [ ] Dating Diego made me so insecure because I never felt secure in what we had. It was never a defined relationship, definitely a situationship. I have never felt more jealous of other women in my whole life, judging my own body and thinking about what I “lacked”, etc. I just imagined him choosing other girls other than me because they had “better” bodies. Which is absolutely wild because other than wanting to gain back some weight, I usually am super confident about my body. But he said weird shit like how my body is a “niche” that some are into (without him specifying that he was into it) and when I came back to Europe from xmas at home he said I “gained weight in all the right places” which really and truly made me feel so fucking objectified. I lost weight when I first started seeing him in the fall because I developed stomach problems due to stress after starting my then job and initially thinking he didn’t wanted to see me at all (this wrecked me emotionally). I became “too” skinny cause I kept having diarrhea no matter what I ate, for like a month. And he would only ever call me “hot” which like I know I am but that wasn’t enough. I just hate how low my self-esteem got while seeing him because he would just breadcrumb me compliments and I felt unhinged thinking about the other girls he was talking to and seeing (I would see tinder and bumble notifications on his phone- he had every right to see other people because we weren’t exclusive nor anything defined but holy crap did that hurt). Excited to get my feeling or self-worth and self-esteem back after ending things with him.
11.04
- [ ] I can ”wait for the right conditions to come into my life” and trust that everything is going to be okay, and apply for jobs based on my values and what I want my day-to-day life to look like.
- [ ] I rarely felt wanted as a child by my dad growing up. Like he didn’t want to have kids.
12.04
- [ ] Sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe when I leave my apartment. Like I’m holding my breath when I’m walking Ruby over to the grass patch outside my place. I think it has to do with my former boss coming to my place uninvited. It’s hard for me to feel safe here because I re-think about that instance almost every time I leave my apartment and pass by the hookah bar downstairs. He suggested multiple times that we smoke hookah there together. What a fucker. My mom said I keep re-traumatizing myself and I fear I really am, and the only thing that will stop that from happening on a daily basis is if I move out of this apartment.
14.04
- [ ] “I will not be an afterthought to my own consciousness”- Gendersauce on self-care
15.04
- [ ] “I am always more in love with the person I could be than the person I am and that is an exhausting way to live” - Joshuaspoetry (instagram)
16.04
- [ ] I was giving more energy to Diego than I was giving to myself. I was stuck in limerence, and thought of him more often than I’d care to admit. I’m still working to get out of limerence- most days are much better and manageable- and trying to stay in reality, instead of letting my imagination go wild.
- [ ] My mom complains to and seeks validation from us kids and she used us to emotionally regulate herself growing up and continues to
17.04
- [ ] Most days when I got outside in public I dissociate. It’s so discouraging for me to go outside- sometimes it dampens my mood when I notice that I’m starting to dissociate when I’m getting ready to leave my apartment.
18.04
- [ ] Mom would always shame other women for getting their nails done, going to the spa, being “high maintenance”, etc. and I think I really internalized that, and feel undeserving of self-care and doing things for myself because of that. She acted like a martyr because she didn’t get her nails done.
- [ ] “pursue activities because they give you satisfaction, rather than gratification. “ - on living a purposeful life
19.04
- [ ] I stifled myself and made myself smaller as a kid because my mom would compare me to her mom and tell me how I was bossy like her and too much and so I tried to push down my true self to make her and others feel comfortable. And I felt so ashamed about the person I am. And still do feel this shame.
- [ ] It was great not being in the advanced class in 7th/8th grade because everyone wasn’t so full of themselves. Loved the talisman assignment we did.
19.04
- [ ] My dad slapped me in the face as a child when I rolled my eyes at him. I still remember it and that’s absolutely fucking unacceptable. No wonder I was terrified of him and his anger growing up.
- [ ] Felt happy and relieved and more positive today after submitting a job application. I do wonder if the timing has to do with ending my period soon, since my mood also lifted last month at the end of my period. Checked and it was on the 5th day this month and the 5th day last month oof.
20.04
- [ ] I get to decide what jobs I apply to. I can apply to ones that sound exciting and interesting to me. I don’t have to apply to ones that don’t sound interesting to me.
21.04
- [ ] During my birthday party that I was hosting at my place in 2020 with a bunch of people, Ben decided to sit me down in my room and express his worries about our relationship, which then made me cry. He took a big day for me where I was doing a lot of work hosting my friends and wanting to have fun and celebrate my birthday and he made it about him. Wtf
03.05
- [ ] It’s not fair to grow up with a dad whose anger terrifies you and paralyzes you. That was my experience. It was selfish of my mom to stay with him because we (the kids) suffered.
05.03
- [ ] Mom would triangulate us siblings between her and Dad. She doesn’t communicate directly with Dad nor us siblings, so Landes and I oftentimes have to assume a peacekeeping role.
06.05
- [ ] Being told who you take after or who you’re similar to as a child (for example my mom saying I was similar to my grandma) prevents you from discovering yourself and allowing yourself to express yourself individually.
13.05
- [ ] On limerence “thinking about him is you leaving your life”- on the fantasizing and escapism of obsessing over a person
- [ ] ^ “cut ties with the ideas that are torturing you”
14.05
- [ ] “Use jealousy to point you in the direction… to be the north star of what you want” Mel Hamlett
15.05
- [ ] The other night I went out with some friends to a club and then afterwards I hosted as friends and a couple of friends of friends at my place. There was a guy there who is Teo‘s friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend, and I’ve always found him to be cute. at the after party at my place he started to sit closer and closer to me and even at the club actually, he asked me where I live and if I live alone, which I think is like a. creepy and b. just way too forward. Like we had hung out in group for we never really talked but anyways when he was at the after party, he kept like making it obvious that I don’t know he was into me and at one point Teo and Konstantinos just kinda said hey we’re gonna try to go soon like Konstantinos can stay at Teo‘s place but I expected Konstantinos to stay at mine. And the dude Philipp just wouldn’t stop staring at me and I wasn’t really giving him signs that I wouldn’t anything, but the way that you acted it made me feel like I was a piece of meat being fed to the wolves like she didn’t ask me, are you trying to see Philipp or do you want us to leave or anything like it really made me feel gross and like an object and like I’d no decision making power at the party that I was fucking hosting. Made me feel really disgusting and I’m super happy that I just like whispered to tail that I don’t want anything with Philipp tonight. But I really hate that she assumed that and it didn’t make me feel safe or supported was just it felt wrong like there was an expectation from my friends as well for me to sleep with some dude. When I was in my early 20s, it would’ve been that easy for me to just sleep with someone and I do imagine myself having one night stands in the future and things like that. But right now I’m still so fucked up from the situation relationship with Diego and I really need space for men and dating men and I don’t even really feel safe in my apartment or like around my apartment like everything concerning social stuff with strangers is too much right now. I’m really trying to decenter men I know that Teo doesn’t do that at all, but I need to stop wasting my time on energy on men right now like I really just wanna focus on what the fuck I’m doing with my life and where I wanna be focusing of my love and affection on myself.
16.05
- [ ] Diego always thought he was right, which was incredibly frustrating. There’s a certain type of elitism and distrust (if not total disregard) for other people’s experiences and knowledge that comes with that.
- [ ] Pretentiousness also comes to mind…
19.05
- [ ] Justin made me feel like a slut for having partners in the past.
- [ ] Today on the bus a lady asked me if my hair color is natural, to which I responded “no”, to which she responded “it would be better if it was natural” *rolls eyes*
22.05
- [ ] Maybe Landes and I turned to leg/skin picking as a kid (and have continued as adults) because it was a less “disruptive” or obvious stim than movijg around too much or making noise ir stimming in a way that would’ve annoyed mom. We could hide it better, too.
- [ ] I have let myself be dragged down by men (especially those I’ve dated) time and time again.
23.05
- [ ] You can feel invisible and resentful if you have a parent who is constantly saying things at you without trying to have a conversation with you. That can make you feel not respected and not seen- Mel Hamlett
- [ ] My mom monologues all the time and takes up all of the air in a room. As a kid, we couldn’t even close our bedroom door and lock it because my mom constantly needed an audience
- [ ] Mom berating my dad/making fun of him and his inability to wake up early on weekends and her always talking about “being up since 6am” made me feel so ashamed for feeling tired a lot of the time and needing to sleep in as well. She would make fun of me for not waking up during “single digits” when clearly I was just fucking depressed. And that furthered my shame which of course is not great for depression.
06.06
- [ ] Has skin picking/hair pulling been a way for me to dissociate since I was a kid to avoid my discomfort/anxiety?
14.06
- [ ] “I learned about gender through shame” - Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary
- [ ] Germans are so fucking untrusting and it’s super frustrating sometimes.
18.06
- [ ] “Your future self matters, but so does your present self” - Task Accountability
22.06.24
- [ ] Saw a therapist on Thursday for an initial talk “Erstgespräch” and she diagnosed me with agoraphobia. It’s so upsetting to hear but not surprising at all based on my general fear of leaving my apartment and feeling like I can’t breathe when I go outside and walk Ruby, for instance. And the therapist asked if I feel safe at home right now and I said that I don’t. I’ve had loud tinnitus for weeks now and I can’t relax at home. I’m so upset by the sounds of cars that I can hear. I felt like absolute shit the past couple of days. The therapist suggested I go to an intake program at the psych hospital here to ask for help. I went and they were closed but luckily I still got to talk to a doctor. I just feel like I can barely escape my anxiety right now and I feel trapped. Ruby peed on my bed Thursday morning and I have been sleeping on the couch since then because I can’t deal with it. I know that the pee soaked into the mattress and idk what to do because I don’t feel like I can use my parents’ money to buy a new one. I just feel so tired and weak. Granted my period started yesterday but like I must have PMDD because I just feel like absolute shit until it comes. I feel like any next bad thing to happen could me over the edge right now and I don’t want that to happen. That’s part of the reason why I went to the psych intake place. But they couldn’t set up an appointment with me they only gave me two anxiety pills. I will call on Monday to see if they can fit me in. I also noticed I was pretty shaky the past couple of days and idk if that’s because I haven’t eaten enough or because of anxiety or both. I can’t even think to plan food. I barely feel hunger.
- [ ] I feel like the past few days have been a blur because of my anxiety.
- [ ] I feel like I’m constantly forced into the situation of feeling extreme anxiety because I have to walk Ruby out in a very public space (next to full cafes and a four-lane stoplight) every day multiple times a day. I can’t ease into exposure; I am constantly being thrown right into my triggers multiple times daily and it’s driving me insane. It’s just so much
27.06
- [ ] Many cismen can’t just face themselves and their lives and aren’t introspective.
29.06
- [ ] Two of my friends moved into a beautiful apartment today and I’m so jealous and upset that I’m crying. I’m really upset that my dad said that he would visit for my graduation and then he said he would visit to help me move and then he didn’t visit me because he couldn’t handle that. He was so stressed out that I didn’t have a job yet, and then he didn’t come and help me. And my friend’s dad help with the move and came all the way down from Denmark to Southern Germany to help him move and I feel like I’m stuck in the place where I am and I can’t get out of the apartment where my former boss tried to visit me and it’s been six months and I fucking hate it. Six fucking years since I moved to Germany and my parents haven’t visited me yet and it will be seven years until they visit me because they’re not visiting me until next year Taylor within a couple years of him moving and they visited him multiple times and they had to fly to get to him And make me feel it makes me feel like I can’t impress them. It makes me feel like I’m a burden. It makes me feel like shit.
